My Crazy Life

Middle of the Line

2009-05-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have a knack...

A knack for playing the devil's advocate. For seeing both sides of the story.

So many times I have had someone come in to me and give a story full of hurt or anger all blamed on an opposing party. After they unleash their anger, I calmly say to them...but can you see their side of it? Walk a mile in their shoes?

People are so quick to jump to a single conclusion without looking at the entire picture.

I know a girl...we will call her Angel. Angel is a young sweet girl that found herself pregnant. She was trying to get along with the father. The father helped her out with a place to live and a vehicle etc. She got mad at him over a few things and was ready to zip him out of her life. She was even going to not let the baby have his last name. I got her to think about how much that would hurt him and how much the child would want to know why she locked daddy out of their lives. After talking for an hour, she thanked me for giving her a bunch of stuff to think about. She said she had not stopped to to think about his side of the situation. All her family had done was egg her on to cut this man out of her life. She was happy to have a friend that was open to both sides of the story.

I think that being this way just mean that you have to be open minded. Look at the other persons intentions. Many times we have great intentions they just get taken wrong. We cause hurt to others without meaning to.

So slow down to anger and take a minute to try and see both sides of the story.

To Be 4 Again

2009-05-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we told my Stepson4 we were going to take them camping next month. He got all excited at the moment and jumped up and down. We figured it was a momentary thing and would hae forgotten it and moved on to the next new and exciting adventure.

About 3 days later my fiance picked him up from preschool and Stepson4 started telling him that he needed to get his tent and his smores and learn the ghost stories for camping.

To our knowledge Stepson4 has never been camping and would have no reason to know anything about it. It was to cute that he was telling his dad he wanted to tell ghost stories around the camp fire.

So yes, in June we are taking the boys camping. We are going to go to the coast. We even got them their own tent. Big 5 had a GREAT sale and we got a tent for $26.00
We love showing the boys new things and getting their reaction to things like camping, playing in the snow, their first game of T-Ball....

Oh to be 4 again and have the fun of discovering new adventures....

Wednesday Blues!

2009-05-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

Its Wednesday....all day long...

I wish it were Friday already, yep...yep. This weekend we are getting away. From it all the city, the heat and work.

We are heading out to Monterey. We are going to enjoy the ocean, the cooler weather and not having to worry about home or work for a few days.

Sitting in my office

2009-05-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Each day I sit in my office. I can't see the front door to my office, but I can hear it opening.

Everytime it opens, I look up from my task or computer to see who is walking in the doors for a tour of the community.

Sometimes it is a vendor looking for more business. People are desperate to find more business and have taken going door to door with business cards in hand. I always feel bad for having to tell them that we already have a pest control guy, gardeners, and maid services. They always look so sad. Then I tell them that I will keep their card on file and if I find that I have a need in the future I can call on them. Most times I get rewarded with a smile.

Other times there comes in a desperate looking man or man with resume in hand. They tell me they need a job and are willing to do anything. These are the people that I feel the worst for. I have to tell them that we are not hiring at the moment, but that they can submit an application and we would be happy to look at it if something should come up....

Most of the time in walk people of every type of back ground, ethnicity and personality. I make it my goal to treat these people as if they were the most important people in the world to me. If someone comes in that is grumpy or upset, I try my heardest to calm them and get them to smile. It doesn't matter to me if they are dressed crazy, tattooed, peirced, angry or scary looking. They are a person that I have the potential to lease to and I want to make a difference to them.

I enjoy the job I have and its always interesting to see who may pop around the corner each time my door opens.

Mothers Day

2009-05-09T11:23:00.001-07:00

This has always been a tough day for me.

Growing up I had a mom that was not much of a mom, but I always made cards and did the little school gifts and tried to make a big deal out of it....

Now a days...I am a (step) mom. I have always wanted to be a MOM. It makes me kinda sad that I am not. I always make a big deal out of the boys making something special to give their mom. I would never want to take away the magic of it being her day.

And my sweet man always brings me flowers...he knows that its tough for me.

Tomorrow we are going to go over to my mom-in-laws house. We will bbq and have a nice time. She has become like a mom to me and I enjoy her company very much.

I want to wish all the moms out there a wonderful Mother's Day. All of you have a hard job and us kids don't always say enough Thank You's to you.

Death

2009-05-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Since I have been away from blogging, a friend of mine died. He was one of my best friends, we had known each other for about 7 years and he knew all there was to know about me and I thought I knew all there was to know about him..(key word here is "THOUGHT".)

He was on his way to work on his motorcycle. He was hit by a car in an intersection that said they didn't see him.

That morning I receieved a call from his then Fiance (we will call her S.) and through her broken heart and tears she told me Mike was gone. Over the next two weeks S. and I talked often sharing funny and touching stories of Mike and his love and his quirky personality.

One evening shortly there after I called S. to see how she was holding up and to get details on when the funeral would be.

We talked for a minute and I could tell there was something bothering her. I asked her what and she said she had something very difficult to tell me. Some of the things she began to tell me in regards to Mike were unbelieveable...unthinkable. I told her there was no way, that it must have been a mistake of some kind...a misunderstanding. My best friend MIKE would NOT have dont these things to S. No way in hell.

After that conversation, I thought about it again and again...my mind denied it.

We held his memorial service and S. and I leaned on each other for support and strength. It was a terribly hard day knowing I would never hang out with my friend again.

A few days later S. told me that it was time for her to start cleaning out and sorting his personal belongings to give to family, charity etc.

A day later she called me, and her heart was broken, crushed and bruised. All the things I had denied could be true about my dear friend had been realized. Going through his things there was proof. It was there in black and white...photos...emails...websites...disks.

This friend that I had known and trusted was a sex addict. Not the funny kind like a guy that loves beautiful women...but the kind that is ugly and scary and twisted.

This was really hard for me to deal with...I had trusted this guy...he knew things about he..he had slept on my couch when we had drunk a bit too much.

Since his death the anger has set in...I no longer miss him...

But this whole thing got me to thinking...what will be found out about us when we pass? I would hope that I have just enough naughtyness in my past that my friends will remember me with smiles on there faces, but more than anything I hope that I will be remember having touched someones life...

Spring Has Sprung

2009-05-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

Its great being back and writing again.

I have been gone for almost 2 years and what is great to me is that many of my favorite bloggers are still here and blogging away.

Another thing that thrilled my heart is that many of those same bloggers still had my link on their page. This small gesture of not deleting me warmed my lil heart and made me feel cherished by people I only know through this website...silly I know, but none the less made me feel good.

It is spring here in Visalia...we are getting the beautiful 80's weather, but we all know that right around the corner it will be creeping back up into the 90's and 100's. So, I am enjoying every minute of the breezy springy weather.

My lil porch has all my flowers blooming and looks beautiful. I am pulling out the dresses and cute lil spring things to wear and putting away all the sweaters and multi layered items.

Well I am going to go enjoy the beautiful weather and the spring day. See you all back here tomorrow.

Been A Long Time

2009-05-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

It has been SOOO long since I have sat here and and typed words onto this blank slate.

Life has changed since I last wrote. There have been fantastic times and sad times. I have wanted to throw my hands up and scream and I have wanted to crawl under the covers and hide. And there have been days that I wanted to dance in a circle from the sheer joy of just BEING.

Yet day by day I am continuing to put one foot in front of the other. There are so many things I want out of life and i have to pause now and then to make sure I am doing all I possibly can to achieve my goals and dreams.

Since I have last written, I moved to another town about an hour outside Fresno. I have a great job. I am still doing the same thing. I am an apartment manager. I live on site and have a WONDERFUL man to share my life and time with.

One of the things that I wish for myself is to get back to writing. It is cathartic for me. It also helps me to be able to write in full sentences and use actual language in this crazy world of short, quick text messages.

New Year

2007-12-31T10:15:00.000-08:00

I want to first wish all of you a great new year.

There are so many that have expressed that this past year was rough...

My wish for all of you is that 2008 brings normality, smiles, laughter, and some tears to keep it real. I hope that for another year, I get to share the lives and thoughts of all my blogger family.

May everyone be safe tonight and have a great New Years!

HUGS to all!

Work

2007-12-18T07:32:00.000-08:00

Work has a way of putting a real damper on the holidays.

In our employee handbook, I thought I had readthat we had the day after Christmas off...and I just found out yesterday we don't. Who in heck is going to go apartment hunting the day after Christmas!!!! Give me a break!

Out of Hiding

2007-12-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

Some of you will be shocked that I am actually typing words here on this page.

For the last few months, I have had no conviction or desire to write. Life has been going well and I have been keeping busy.

I think that this blog was very theraputic for me while I was going through some very rough personal things. You guys were my friends and someone could lean on.

I miss all my friends though...I have visited many of you and read your thoughts and stories.

I do want to continue to write and visit all of you...

SO you are warned, I am back around.

Trust

2007-10-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

To me this is one of the scariest words...

Once you have been burned a few times, this is very hard to do.

Someone looks at you and asks you to rely on them. Trust them...

Trust must be earned, the same way respect is.

I have a hard time trusting people. There comes a time though, when a person in your life wants you to trust them. They want to earn it....

To trust or not to trust...that is the question.

Odd and End thoughts

2007-10-21T13:10:00.001-07:00

Wow life has been a bit crazy these past few weeks.

I haven't even been around to blog much. Wish life would even out a bit. Once I get a new job things should calm down. By all means I love the money overtime brings, but I love my time at hoem even more.

In about a year I am going to be in a wedding. I am really excited about it. She is one of my dearest friends. We were roomies when we were both young, poor and silly. We have remained friends over the years and now she is marrying a great guy. She really deserves this in her life. She has had so many ups and downs. I can't wait to stand beside her and just feel so glad that she is finally with a man that loves her and wants her to be happy.

After so long of not being married, getting back out there and dating really sucks.
Its all about getting to know and finding out the new. Wish we could all just write a little book of all of our qualities, faults, pet peeves etc. and then when you meet someone hand over the book let them take a look. If it doesn't sound good, just hand the book back and go on to the next guy.

BUT!!! I am really lucky, the guy I am dating is GREAT! Taking things slow and really trying to take the time to just enjoy the pleasure of dating. (Maybe that is why I have less time to blog....hmmmmm, something to think about!)

Wonders Will Never Cease

2007-10-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

Things that make you go hummmmm.......

I was off on Wednesday and headed to an interview...and my bosses-boss called me and apologized for calling on my day off, but asked if I had a few minutes to talk.

She said that my name had been flying around the corporate office...and I thought OH SHIT!!!!

She went on to say that it was all good and that there were several people at the corporate office that asked her to call me and see if I might possibly be interested in a brand new complex that was coming available and needed a manager.

My mouth dropped open to say the least...as a fairly new employee of the company I am not supposed to be eligible for a management position for well over a year.

She went on to say that I have been noticed at the corporate and that there were many people who thought very highly of me and wanted to skip me ahead because they think I would do well in the position.

So all of that to say...I have an informal interview with the corporate office on Tuesday for the position. I shall keep you all updated on how that one goes.

I am so glad to have internet back and be able to stay connected with the world!

Have a happy Saturday....is anyone planning a big Halloween bash? I am looking to go to one, but will probably have to work...so I want to live vicariously through all my blog mates!

Dance puppet

2007-10-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

Gone are the days when it was easy to get a job. Gone are the days when you write a simple resume, go in for an interview dressed in a nice suit and are hired based on your qualifications and work history.

Now it is a song and dance. Your resume has to have something to catch their eye because they only look at it for 2.2 nanoseconds. Then you have to include the all important cover letter.

Then you have to follow up three times.

After you get the granted interview, then comes deciding what to wear.

And at the interview, you must mirror their body language and voice inflection. Laugh at their stupid jokes and ask certain questions and remember key phrases that all hiring managers want to hear.

ITS ALL A BUNCH OF BUNK!!! Why can't things go back to the simple times.

I....Have....Internet

2007-10-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

Only took me like FOREVER!!!!

Then they cam out today to install and said they couldn't! I almost lost my cool! But I kept it and we discussed further and we got it all figured out!

So...got all moved and settled with the new roomies and I am still looking for the new job. Just doing it slowly and trying to get what I really want.

So give me a day or two to catch back up with all of you!!!

Internet

2007-09-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

I have good news!! I should have internet in a day or so. Apparently I live in an area that is difficult to get high speed, but I am very persistant. And my persistance paid off.

So, give me a day or two and I will driving all my blogger buddies crazy.

Miss ME????

2007-09-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

I am alive and well, the move went as smoothe as a move can be expected to go.

I have no internet though, so bare with me...I will visit all of you when I can steal a computer from a friend.

Hopefully soon, I will get internet....

MISSS ALL of you!

Making a Move

2007-08-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

Literally!!!

I am getting ready to move and will be somewhat scare around here (yes, more than I already have been...)

But don't forget about me, PLEASE!!!

This move is a good, positive, healthy move. I am getting out of a situation I should have gotten out of long ago. (Part of those changes I was talking about.)

I am going into a situation that is where I want to be. With someone that makes me happy and laugh. Some say I am moving to quickly, but I also feel life is to short and sometimes decisions are made to just take care of things that need to be taken care of. I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds.

So anyways, I may not have much access to a computer for awhile as I am moving from A to B and I just don't want you guys to forget about me. I will blog and pop in for your blogs as often as I can.

Making Those Changes

2007-08-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I wrote a blog about making some changes in my life.

I am beginning to set some of those changes in place, a few of them have been hard, as I have had to make some changes in living arrangements, change a few people that have been in my life that have been bringing me down. I am not one to want to hurt anyones feelings...but it is time for me to start telling people what I want and what I want with my life.

One of the other changes I have decided to make is going ahead and looking for another job. So, as I am quietly at the one I have, I have started doing some networking and seeing what is out there. With my background, I know there has to be something out there that is better than the crap I have been dealing with.

I can see the changes in my life giving me more peace and happiness. Change is hard but well worth the price down the road.

There is a funny dynamic that changed in my life today that I do feel may bring some funny blog material down the road. I inherited an interesting roommate today...we will see how this turns out.

Sorry

2007-08-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

I owe all my blogger family a big SORRY!!!

I have not disappeared or gotten snatched by the boogey man...

I know many of you have emailed me wondering where my butt is,

I have been working insane hours and by the time I get home there is nothing but mush up there in my brain....

So this is short and sweet as I am getting ready for yet another day of work....

HUGS to all of you!

No help

2007-08-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

Ok guys!!! Where are you guys at when I really need you??

This morning at 4:45 I had the crap scared outta me!!

For the last week I have been house sitting for a couple that is vacationing in Washington.

They have a dog and a cat. (Dog is worthless, its afraid of its own shadow)

So there I was sound asleep on the couch with the cat sleeping with me.

And next thing I know there is loud crashing, banging noise. I jumped up and grabbed the phone and called 911, ran to the pantry area and grabbed a large stick that was there and waited for the police. They showed up and walked the perimeter, and the house. Whatever it was was long gone, but there was ZERO chance of me being to fall back to sleep....

I hate the feeling of wondering if there is someone going to break in!!! SCARY!!

My Friends

2007-08-15T06:51:00.001-07:00

Good Morning all my bloggerville buddies and new friends.

This is a quick note to let some of you know that I have not stopped visiting your blog or stopped commenting...

There are a few of your blogs that when I click on your link to go read whatever tasty tidbit you have written, my computer freezes up and I am unable to read, click back or do a damn thing. I end up having to CTL-ALT-DELETE...and it makes me GRRRRRR!!!

So I want all of you to know that I will continue to get to all my favorite peoples blogs, but if I am missing, just know I am still thinking about all of you and that I have not stopped visiting you all....

Change

2007-08-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

People are often terrified of having change in their lives. People get used to their comfort zones, and are resistant to the growth possibilities that change can bring.

But I view change as means to grow and continue to learn. New experiences bring new growth.

There are some changes I am making in my own personal life. There are changes that I am making that will better me as a person. Some of the changes are mental, they require me to start thinking in a different manner, to be more self disciplined.

Self discipline is one area that I really have always lacked and I am trying to teach myself to have a better self discipline and the mental ability to push through hard or tough situations.

I think half the battle to getting something you want in your life is the mental strength behind the persons motivation.

So all of this to say, I am starting to make some fresh, positive changes in my life that are good, positive and make me a happy girl.

Still Around

2007-08-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

Nope, I have not fallen off the face of the earth.

I am having a hard time balancing work, my few extra curricular activities and computer time....

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a friend, and I was telling her how much I miss it when I can't make my visits to my friends...and I ended up laughing because she is not a blogger and doesn't understand that my daily trip around bloggerville is like an addiction...

I miss Enemy, Spongy, Jay, Chucky, Echo, Queen Anne, Greg and I could go on and on...but you get my point.

Right now I am in a dilemma.

I am not necessarily happy in my new job. I love the actual work I do...I am a people person and get to deal with people on a daily basis and I have met some of the nicest most interesting people...but there are a few things that are really grating against my nerves at work...

At this point I am trying to decide, if I want to try to stick it out and see if I can bear these annoyances, or if I should start looking for something else.

I loved my other job that I got laid off of, I was there for over 2 years...and I want to be some place like that to be able to enjoy going to work...

What would you say?

2007-08-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

There are only two rules for this: 1. List (10) hard things you wish you could say to 10 people but you know you never will. 2. Don't say who it is about.

I read this on Echo's blog and I really liked the idea...

1. You are so special to me, and there are so many opportunities in life...you are the only one holding yourself back from them.

2. Life is so short and you have already had an accident...slow down and enjoy the small things in life, don't always be so intense about the small crap.

3. Thank you for being a part of my life, my thoughts that make me smile and laugh.

4. Its time to make changes in your life. I know you are set in yours ways and yours is the only "right" way...but its never to late to heal the hurt and for us to start some kind of relationship.

5. You are harder on yourself...lighten up, you are a fanstastic guy and I am so proud do have you as one of my dearest friends.

6. I am so sorry. I hurt you and didn't mean to...in hind sight if I could take back what happened...I would.

7. You are beautiful and so caring and yet you are so worried about what everyone else thinks...its most important to love yourself first.

8. Please take care of yourself...so often you push yourself to physical and mental limits and you are not taking time to just take care of yourself...that really scares me.

9. You make me so angry...you have hurt me a few times and now I have to hide those thoughts and continue to smile, even though I wish I could tell you how I feel...

10. I miss you so much...I wish there was a way to go see you. I would drive there and we would talk and catch up...we would laugh and spend time together.

Ever have those days?

2007-07-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

You wake up...you are in a great mood.

You get ready, and head off to work, and all feels right in the world.

You get to work and in a matter of 2.5 seconds that wonderful feeling changes to one of dour and sour.

Yep that seems to continue to happen.

I love when a manager starts a group meeting with, "now I don't want to have to write any of you up, but I will if I have to!"

It makes me want to ask, if she is threatening us. She comes and goes as she pleases (salaried position) and prefers not to go on tours...and will not work an ounce over her 8 hours.

I know when I was a salaried manager, I often was required to work well over 8 hours on a regular basis...OH!!! and she gets every weekend off, and I have not had one!!! and my other coworker has had 3 off since I started. I had to beg for a weekend off in August!

Ok folks, thank for listening to me moan and groan!

Can You Feel 'Em?

2007-07-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Can I feel what???

Am I supposed to feel something???

Barb says yep...feel the good vibes.

I was picked for a Good Vibrations meme by none other than the famous.....Em

So here, in no special order, are five things that get my good vibes going, that put a smile on my face, and make the day worthwhile.

1. My daily morning dose of all my favorite bloggers!!! My day starts with you and a great cup of coffee...I know what is going on in the neighborhood. Your blogs make me laugh and smile and worry about all of you.

2. My cat, he is spoiled rotten and loves me to death, if I am sick or down he comes and cuddles with me...animals have a way of worming into your heart and they really can make a difference.

3. Books...I love to read, it gives me an opportunity to block out the world for a few hours and I can sail away to a far away place....I also learn something new each time I pick up a new book.

4. The new special someone in my life....not really ready to expand on this one yet.

5. My job, as much as I complain about the long hours I work, I do love my job. I get to meet new people every day and if I can make one small difference in a persons life everyday...then I have full filled some small goal in my life.

Now I get to choose people to pass this meme on too...I am not going to choose just a few, I am picking everyone who reads this...why? because this is a great meme to tell about the positives in your life....and there is always a need for positives to be shared....

No title today!

2007-07-25T08:18:00.001-07:00

I had planned on posting a great meme blog that I was tagged for, but since all I wanna do is crawl back in bed....

I got hit with one of those mid summer head colds. Nothing like feeling like crap in 110 degree weather.

I promise to be back to normal posting when I feel more normal.

HUGS to all

Ouch, Owie...OHHHHHH!!!

2007-07-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

Yep, my feet hurt. Yes, they do.

Why you ask???

Because the silly girl that I am. I found a sale on a really cute pair of shoes and wore them to work yesterday.

Now Sundays are normally quiet and peaceful and I thought it would be a great way to break in the new shoes.

But wouldn't you know it...the day I wear new shoes it is SOOOO busy!!

By the end of the day I am hobbling along and today there are areas on both of my feet that are missing skin. OUCH!!

Chatting it up!

2007-07-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

My good friend, Miss Enemy, called me up one day out of the blue and said she wanted to kick back and have a few martinis and chat a little.

So one day when I had some free time, I headed over to Philly and she took me to her favorite place to have some martini's.

And we started to talk...

The first question she asked me is...

Why do you blog?

I blog because I can....joking! Joking! A few years ago I had never heard of blogging and one of my really good friends Chucky talked about his blog all the time and kept telling me to just try it.

The first year I had all of 2 readers and very sporadically blogged. I began to venture out a bit and read some of others peoples blogs and then found a few people that started creating a community atmosphere. So to be honest I keep coming back everyday because of the wonderful people I have had the opportunity to meet...
And NO I am not getting all mushy, I haven't had that many martinis yet.

Next she asked about my other blog, Poets Corner and said...

You love to write poetry. Explain what writing poetry does for you. What can this particular medium do for you creatively that others, be they language based or some other artistic expression, fail to achieve?

Wow that is a mouthful to bite off...I started writing poetry as a 14 year old to deal with some of the really dark, hurtful things in my life. My early poetry is filled with hurt and anguish. It was a way for me to pour my feelings out on paper and not keep it bottled up inside. Words are powerful, I love to take words and make them flow, dance and color a picture of a mood or feeling. In the past I used to draw a little, but the medium would not allow me to express my hurt very well and I grew frustrated. Writing truly allows me a vent for all my feelings and emotions. And thanks to all of you guys who have stuck with me for over a year now. You know I love you guys!!! (Awww those martinis are starting to get to me.)

Now when I drink I get silly and mushy, but my friend Enemy got more intense with her questions....

What are you most proud (the good kind) of in your life? Why? Toot your horn, friend!

Wow another biggie!! I have to say that with all the hardship and things that I have endure in my life, I still believe in smiling, love, friendship and I love being alive. I am proud that when people in my life told me that I would never amount to anything, I squared my shoulders and plunged on ahead. No I am not exactly where I want to be in life, but by no means am I completely unhappy where I am.

Think of one experience that you feel changed your life for the better and set you on a better path? Would you like to describe it?

I have had many experience that have shaped my life...I think the most significant one is having been dumped at 14 years old and made to grow up over night. I got a job and finished high school. I managed to not ever get involved in drugs and mostly kept out of trouble...but the part of my life truly defined much of who I am today.

You know that Jo (another friend) and I talk a lot about life journeys? Do you feel you are on one? What does it mean to you?

Yes I do feel like all of us are on a journey. I just don't know exactly what my purpose is or why I am here. I do know that this feeling makes me very well aware of how I live my life everyday. I look to make a difference everyday in someones life...somehow.

So now that my friend Enemy and I have bonded over martinis and shared a deep interview, this is where I get to ask if any of you want to be interviewed. I know most of you have already volunteered umpteen times, so no pressure!!

I love ya man!!!!

On the Road again.

2007-07-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I have gotten the ole Saturn back...to the tune of $800.00 in repairs with more needed.

I told them to just do what had to be done to get me back on the road again.

The one thing that was really hard on me was having NO ONE to call for help.

After the fact there were several people that siad I could have called, but I had never asked them for help before and didn't know I would even have been welcome to call.

On another note have you ever done something that seemed like a great idea and the time and then in retrospect you kick yourself for not thinking it through better. I can't tell you how many times I have done that lately.

Why am I so impatient for life to already hurry up and just happen? I want something now....I hate waiting.

Day From Hell

2007-07-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

Can today get any worse...and its only a quarter to 11.

Went out to get into my car to go to work this morning and nothing....absolutely nothing. The car won't start.

I call AAA and they come out and can't get it started either.

So the guy loads up my car and hauls it to the Saturn dealership. I have no idea what is wrong and I am stranded at home. I have no help and no one to turn to for a ride...I can't even get ahold of my freaking ex to see if he can help me.

I want to go back to sleep and start today all over.

So by the time today is over...I will either have a running Saturn or a new car...I have to have a car.

I hate days like today.

Can't live without us women!

2007-07-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

I am shamelessly stealing yet something else I read from another blogger....

Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

How many of you use these statements??? I know I do.

Things I love

2007-07-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am shamelessly stealing this from a fellow blogger...

Things that I love...

dark chocolate

a great song

dancing till it hurts

a glass of wine

new sheets on my bed

tattoos on men

a great smile

sexy eyes

banter with friends

a dinner out

a dinner in with candles....

Tell me the things you love

Cause I am a "Slacker"

2007-07-05T10:47:00.001-07:00

I FINALLY!!!!!!

Have a day off today and what do I do???

I drank too damn much last night and I have a freaking headache today.

But I am up and about and damn determined to enjoy my day, although it will be full of chores to catch up on....

But I wanted to leave some thoughts with y'all...a friend sent me this email and I love it...

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down
clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches.

I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at
Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.

To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written By Paul Harvey

What I want.

2007-07-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

This is where I am supposed to insert a witty...funny...ancedotal....story here!

I got nothing...

I used to work days and days straight, and could run on all cylinders...

Now I am tired...(yes, Spongy and feel a little old)

I want a glass of wine, a wonderful oil massage and a hot bubble bath...in that order

Oh and a freaking day off to enjoy the above mentioned items.

Anyone available to give that massage????

Mixed

2007-06-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

I got to meet my granddaughter today...

She is tiny...she has perfect toes and slate eyes...she was dressed in a lil pink dress and her dark hair has a little bow.

She furrows her brow, and smiles, she holds your gaze, like she is trying to understand.

I felt mixed emotions getting to see and hold her today.

I held her and breathed in her baby sweetness, I drank in the coos and the smiles...

I pinched back the tears as I finally handed her back to her mommy.

I was elated, sad, happy, wistful and crushed all at the same time.

Also for the first time in a long time, I was able to wrap my arms around Alyssa and give her a hug.

The whole thing leaves me feeling thoughtful and rather pensive.

Come Here my Little Pretty's!

2007-06-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

Come one, come all....

Please enter, it is warm and inviting in here....

Come take a seat, kick back, relax....drinks of your choice will be served momentarily...now close your eyes, and let your mind wander a little

we are going to take a ride in Barb's imaginary world.

In my imaginary world, I don't have to work 12 days straight without a day off...
In my imaginary world, I have enough money to take a road trip to go visit all my favorite blog people...
In my imaginary world, there is some sanity in my life...

By now all of you are thinking that your dear little blogger friend Barb has lost her lovin little mind....right???

Well all of you are right!! Barb is off her rocker...a few too many knocks to the 'ole noggin! Yep, dun gone and lost the little sanity I have left!

Society...Church

2007-06-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

Who named "society" the keeper of all that is right and moral?

Who made them the final judge of what is deemed right, wrong or immoral?

I don't care much for society, and all that it represents.

These are people like you and I who feel like they have a right to judge another man.

I don't care much for Christians either...and the saddest part is...I am one. There are many times I am embarrassed to call myself a christian, and for the fact that I too have done things that were wrong, but I didn't want to spout the Bible in someones face when I am not on the right path myself....there are just too many that have given God a bad rap.

Don't come calling me out, picking the splinter out of my eye, until you remove the forest growing out of your own.

I used to work with a man, who called himself a devout christian and was a deacon of the church and worked with the youth, and did sound for the services...on and on and on.

He was the first one to bash gay men...openly thought lesbians were hot and told me that he had a nasty dream about me, and would say out loud "look at the ass on that hottie, what I could do to that!"

I am sorry, but I don't think gay basing and talking nasty aligns with being a devout deacon of the church...Or am I just not hip with the way churches think now days?

Would someone care to enlighten me?

Some Pictures

2007-06-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

My favorite place in the world...wind in my hair...sand on my feet...not a care in the world.

Barb wants to go back to Europe...I loved Europe, went to Italy and fell in love with it...but now I want to see England, Ireland and Greece.

This lil cutie is my granddaughter. She is turning 2 months in 2 days. I still have never laid eyes on her....

This is my evil side...Only problem is the other side (my angel) part left me a note saying she was taking an extended vacation...

This lil guy is my main man....Can't tell he is spoiled rotten can you. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

TAGGED

2007-06-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

My brain twin Chalice tagged me to do the 8 weird things about me meme.

I am SO not that weird...Hush Chucky! I am not that weird.

I could cheat and just use my same answers from the last one, but I will behave and use new ones....

1. I am a terrible passenger (but a great driver)....The passenger side of the car needs to come equipped with a brake, because when I am riding with someone that is driving like a nut, my brake foot is trying to hit the brakes. But at the same time I am a speed demon when I am driving....Love feeling the speed. Yeah Baby!

2. I love music...and can't carry a tune for the life of me...But when I am alone (especially in the car - people probably think I am a lunatic), I turn the music up and sing at the top of my lungs...If I am at home cleaning, I dance while I sing and clean. (I can't believe I am sharing this.)

3. I have my own style...I do not dress, or do my hair in any manner of what any current style is...I am SO cheap, (only for myself, I hate spending money on me) I will go to buy myself something and by the time I get to the register, I have talked myself out of buying it. I am also an abnormal girl..I HATE SHOPPING! This is where all the guys say 'Hell ya! Love a girl that hates to shop!"

4. I am old school in the way I do my job. I am in the customer service industry, and I hate bad customer service. I make it my daily goal to give the best customer service I can. I say sir, Mme, Thank you, please, its my pleasure, I shake hands and look people in the eye. My pet peeve is when there are customers in our office and the other girls are having a personal conversation. Personal craps stops the minute you clock in for the shift. But when I am off work, there is a whole different side to me.

5. Geez, this is only #5....I am having to dig REALLY deep...I have a very vivid imagination...It has gotten me into trouble and also lots of fun...And we will leave it at that.

6. Me being a not so girlie girl, was a cheerleader in high school...just because there were people that said I never could do it and bet me. Never tell me I can't do something, that will make me prove I can.

7. Is everyone asleep yet? I have been on my own since I was 14 years old. I have been working since then also. Most of my jobs have been in new construction. I know quite a bit about everything there is to building a house...from what a stud is (not the male kind) to changing out windows, what a lode bearing wall is, to what a wax ring or a pea trap is used for. I can cut and lay tile, I have messed with plumbing and electrical...I can design kitchens...hang drywall, and inspect flooring. I also lay epoxy aggregate flooring. Wanna build a house with me?

8. OMG, I never thought I would get here...I am an absolute dork...I love to be happy and laugh and make others happy and laugh. So I will say and do things just to make someone smile or laugh. I love passing people on the streets and greeting them, just to see them smile. A smile is contagious, so pass one along.

BONUS weirdness about me...I love to play cards, any type of cards...poker, UNO, solitaire.

And I am not going to tag anyone...so if you want to do this meme, because I LOVE finding out more about my fellow bloggers, consider yourself tagged.

Muaaaahhhahahaha! (My Crazy Laugh)

2007-06-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Five very brave people volunteered for questions...

Well make that 4, but I refuse to accept one persons answer of no...so he gets questions anyways!

The brave people who volunteered are Enemy, Jay, Greg, Chalice, and the one who didn't volunteer but gets to anyways is Spongy. (ne, ner, ne, ner,) Yep, I sound like a two year old.

Enemy -
1. You are given one million dollars to plan a bloggers get together. Tell us where, when and what your party is all about.

2. In the last meme, you mentioned something about dead people....expound on that.

3. Name one thing that is your biggest pet peeve and one thing that makes you happy.

4. What is the single happiest memory you have.

5. You can choose bloggers to spend six months in a locked house with. Tell us who and why them.

Jay -
1. You are given one million dollars to plan a bloggers get together. Tell us where, when and what your party is all about.

2. Describe your dream wife.

3. If you could live anywhere in the entire world where would it be?

4. You love telling us stories from High School, tell us your favorite memory from high school.

5. You can choose bloggers to spend six months in a locked house with. Tell us who and why them.

Greg-
1.You are given one million dollars to plan a bloggers get together. Tell us where, when and what your party is all about.

2. Describe a perfect day in your life. What would you be doing? Where would you be?

3. What is the craziest thing you have ever done in your life.

4. If you could change one single thing in your life right now, what would it be?

5. You can choose bloggers to spend six months in a locked house with. Tell us who and why them.

Chalice-
1. You are given one million dollars to plan a bloggers get together. Tell us where, when and what your party is all about.

2. We all know you LOVE your man! Tell us where you met and how you fell in love.

3. Tell us the craziest story you have ever heard in your job.

4. Tell us what your dream vacation would be.

5. You can choose bloggers to spend six months in a locked house with. Tell us who and why them.

Spongy - Did you think I would forget?? Let you off the hook...NEVER!! Lets see if you have the guts to actually answer...Enemy and I challenge you!
1. You are given one million dollars to plan a bloggers get together. Tell us where, when and what your party is all about.

2. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why?

3. Name the single most embarrassing moment in your life.

4. Name the wildest thing you have ever done.

5. You can choose bloggers to spend six months in a locked house with. Tell us who and why them.

Y'all know how this works....you post your questions, answer them and then find out if anyone wants to be asked questions....and the saga continues!!!

HAVE FUN...and Spongy, I damn well better see some answers.

Answering my Luxie's Questions

2007-06-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

1. If....if...ever....by any wild...chance...you get to own a planet. How....would you design it?....Like..would it be a circle, square...triangle..planet??...in what color.....and....like...would it be WI FI ready?..and would there be cable?.....would there be bloggers???.....And..would there be taxes???

In all honesty my planet would be a place that all people (all races, religions, and walks of life) would be welcome to be. JUST BE...love, breathe, be at peace. I am really into the "community" atmosphere where everyone takes care of everyone. People provide for the poor, there is equality not superiority. Of course there would be blogging, I have met some of the BESTEST (yes, I know that is not a word) people in the world in our blogosphere. I doubt there would be cable, there are so many other ways to entertain people than prime time TV. The planet would be a circle, as a circle is unending and unbroken. It creates unity and ability to grow. The planet would have all color hues, in nature and diversity.

2. What would you name this planet and the creatures inhabiting it...and why that name???....

This question is hard to answer, name? Name? Name? Maybe my fellow bloggers can help me come up with a suitable name for this planet.

3. Now listen clearly....what...whaaat is the wiiiiiiildest ride you have ever ever taken???

Hummm, wildest ride??? What kind of ride? Amusment ride? Car ride? Life ride??? Hummmmm??? I will just answer that by saying life has thrown MANY curves in my direction that have felt like a wild ride and I am still here to tell about it.

4. Where would you rather be right now?

Oh I like this question, and I can answer it without hesitation. I would be at the beach. With my bare feet in the sand. Watching the sun as it dips into the sea.

5. What was the scariest thing you ever saw?????

I have seen many scary things in my life. I think the safest to share will be...
When I was a small child. My (horrible, evil, nasty, mean, did I mention evil) step-dad forced me to watch the Exorcist with him. That movie really, truly terrified me. With the strict religious upbringing I had and all the bullsh*t my mother fed me, I WAS TERRIFIED. and my step dad laughed his ass off. (Ya, I know really swell guy).

So I am supposed to ask if any ones wants me to write questions to them...If ya want questions let me know (I can come up with some good ones) and if not, oh well!

Music

2007-06-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

There is not a single genre of music that I am stuck in.

I love it all (almost)! I have an eclectic love of music...Sometimes there is a particular artist that has a sexy voice or the words of the song move me.

I love country music. Its great to swing dance and two -step.

I love alternative music. Much of the music, has the ability to make me think. People think I am weird, but I feel music...

I love rock. There is nothing in the world like a great rock 'n roll song to get you going.

I love Oldies! Just great music.

I have met so many people who are so closed minded. I always hear people say' "I hate ___________" whatever kind of music they think is horrible.

Most people fill that blank in with country music...BUT stop and listen to it for a while...YES there are songs that suck, and there are songs and artists I can't stand, but there is so much great music.

Age is Relative

2007-06-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

What makes a person old?

Is it the grey in your hair?

Or the laugh wrinkles around your mouth?

Or is it the way you mentally think?

I believe you are only as old as you make yourself.

I am very lucky, and do consider myself so. I am thirty one, and I still get carded in every bar I go into. If I go into a store to buy a bottle of wine the cashier always asks for ID. They are shocked to find I am not still in my early twenties. And I LOVE IT!!

I think half of my "youth" is I take care of myself. I love life, I love people. I know what I want out of life (I may be a long way off from achieveing it, but my eyes are on the goal).

I think age has made my life better, I would never want to go back to being younger again.

Ask Me!

2007-06-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days a few fellow bloggers and I have been having conversations about male and female relationships and the size of their hearts....(Yep, I threw that in just for YOU!)

I am curious what all of you think about what makes the opposite sex attractive to you.

There are many things that I find attractive in the opposite sex.
To list a few:

Personality - he must be able to carry on a conversation (about more than just sports), laugh, be able to see outside of his own small world.

Eyes - I love eyes! I recently did a blog on eyes.

Confidence - Not to be confused with cockiness, I love a man who is confident and willing to be strong.

Romance - I love a man who is able to think of things to make a woman happy...such small insignificant things can please me to no end.

Physique - mmmm,mmmm,mmmm. I love to see sexy backs, shoulders and arms on a man.

Smell - Many woman can be turned on or off by a mans smell....Every single human has their own unique smell....and man there are some men out there that I could just sink my teeth into.

These are just a few small things I find attractive....So tell me what you think.

I have seen a few other blogs where people ask questions or give topics they would like to see written about. I thought that you might have some interesting questions or topics...

So, give it to me....come on ask me anything!

Nite...Nite

2007-06-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

*Sighing heavily*

Want....to....write.....

No energy......

Good night all....

you are all on my mind.

Take me there

2007-06-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

I saw this picture and just had to share it...

It reminds me of so many things....

There is beauty, there is a spirituality, there is peace.

This is a place I want to go.

Ideas

2007-06-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

I have been looking at tons of stuff for a tattoo.

Here are some ideas I have some up with.

I am loving the moon...though I kinda like this other moon "face" better.

See, I think she has a gorgeous face. I was thinking of a fairy on a flower, but a moon fits me better. I am a night person and find the moon so appealing. But I don't care for the wings on this fairy. I like the other pictures wings better. They have a more wispy quality to them.

The following picture is what makes a fairy the number one most important thing for me to get a tattoo of. The picture is drawn by my step daughter. She has a huge love of fairy's and is quite the little artist. I so hope that one day she does something with her God given ability. She drew this picture for me for Mothers Day when she was around ten. Since then she had drawn some beautiful original pictures.

Friends

2007-06-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

You are among the people I hold dear. I worry about your children, your uncles, your fathers, husbands, sisters, jobs and life.

There are so many people that tell me that all of you are fake, spoofs of my imagination. As I am sure there are some people that use their words to reinvent themselves, they are not people that I choose to blog with. Until I start to say, well there is _____. She has two kids and lives in _____. She does this and that and volunteers here. She is dealing with her father going through _______. All of a sudden they realize that you aren't just screen names, but real people who do share much of your lives with the rest of us.

The people I blog with are real. They experience real triumphs, pain, frustration, and are part of my life.

I have had the opportunity to get to know some of your fairly well and many of you know me.

I have been thinking and one of these days, there are many of you that I would love to have the opportunity to warm my arms around your neck and give you a big 'ole hug.

I actually begin and end my day with you guys. Even if I don't have time to blog or comment, I check in and make sure all is good in your lives....

I also want you all to know that I appreciate the roles you play in my own life. Encouraging me, stripping me of chicken feathers, and giving me lots 'o hugs (this girl loves hugs).

Open My Eyes

2007-06-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

They say the eye is the window to the soul. I do believe in that very much. I think that people hide emotion and feelings behind their eyes.

We see beauty, happiness, ugliness, hurt, and pain everyday. These images get locked into our brains.

I also am a firm believer in looking people in the eye. I can not stand it when a person will not make eye contact with me. It makes me feel like they are hiding something, or are a shifty sort.

I think that a person eyes can tell you what they are thinking, how they feel about you and the sort of person they are.

I also find eyes very attractive on both males and females.

So look in to my eye(s) and tell me what you think!!!

No Aliens

2007-06-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

Nope aliens have not snatched my body, nor have I secretly snuck off to get inked.

I have just been working more hours than should be allowed for a human. I get home and my mind is just numb. I want to write and read, but then I usually have a beer as I stuff food down my throat so I can sleep and start the same thing all over again the next day.

Thank God I am off on Thurs and Fri!!!

Well I have made up my mind I am definately getting a tattoo. A friend came up with a great idea for a tattoo and says he has a friend who can draw it. I can't wait to see what they come up with.

I also might go on July 4th to see one of my friends getting more of her done.

Other than that I am fine and dandy, just exhausted....

I want Ink

2007-06-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

As inspired by several of my friends, I really want a tattoo. My beautiful friend Echo, is working on a gorgeous masterpeice of her own

Another of my friends has this gorgeous fairy on her side.

I have seriously thought about it for awhile now.

My dilemma is this....I still am trying to figure out exactly what I want. I am going to be baring this the rest of my life, I want it to be something that I still love in 10 years. I love things that are of mystical and mythical type. I love unicorns and fairies, but it seems that everyone has a fairy now. And I don't want what everybody else has.

Maybe someone out there can help me come up with some ideas....I know some of you love being creative, and I am SO not creative.

I want something feminine and sexy looking. I think its weird when chicks get hard looking tats, but thats just my opinion.

My other dilemma is where the heck am I gonna put it. I want it in a place I can cover it up, but also show it if I so choose.

I also am SO not going by myself to get it. C'mon Spongy help me get rid of them chicken feathers!!!

It Only Hurts Me

2007-05-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Your a great person".

I am so tired of hearing that. Yes, I know that on the outside the person I am interacts with people I smile and say sweet things. I am soft hearted and love people. I can be charming and funny. I am a genuine person, but there is also the other person in me.

But there is a different side to me. This is where the great person in me stops being great. I hide this dark side well. There is no one that knows these little details about me. I have tried to talk to a few people about how I feel, but I always get "oh, stop! you are a fantastic person!"

I am honestly too chicken to really talk about some of the areas I struggle with. If I could be very honest there are a few people who really would not want much to do with me and that is part of why I keep it hidden. But I also want to sleep at night with out the guilt. I want to not break into tears when I stop for a minute and think about the things I have done and the lies that have been told to keep my secrets. How empowering it would be to be honest with just one person, even if they only turned around to tell me how much they hated me.

Why won't people listen when I try to talk to them. Why do they stick their fingers in their ears and say "lalalalalala." It frustrates me.

I have met so many great people here in bloggerville, these people are strong, they openly share struggles of alcoholism, drug abuse, suiciadal thoughts.

I know that I could go see a physcologist for my issues, but I already know what they are going to tell me. I have issues with abandonment and father issues and abuse issues.

It honestly comes down to me not having the ability to have self control.

Little Break

2007-05-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I haven't been blogging much...Lots on my mind. Feeling really disillusioned about some things in my life.

Don't want to sound like drama, but I don't want any of my blogger friends to think I have disappeared. I just have lost my spark to write right now. I still will be visiting my friends....

You will all be in my thoughts and I will return soon, when my muse wakes up, or something like that.

Somebody Stop Me

2007-05-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

I had a fantastic, crazy weekend....and now tonight I will crash very, very hard.

There are muscles I didn't even know I had that hurt from dancing and playing.

The bad thing is as hard as I played, I still had to work all weekend. So like a trooper, I played hard, and went to work the next day. For three days in a row....Geez, when I was 20 I could do that non stop, but now not so much.

I hope everyone had a safe and fun weekend. I would love to hear some stories of what everyone else did.

PS - for Gawpo - The part of Oregon I grew up in is the Rogue Valley area, but I also know the coast areas really well, as well as Eugene, Salem, Portand, and many other areas. I had grandparents in Coos Bay. I love Oregon. I have often thought of returning there.

Places to be

2007-05-25T13:08:00.001-07:00

In my last post, I asked everyone where their favorite places were.

Many agreed with me that the beach is the place to be.

Others said Europe...I too love Europe, I had an opportunity to see parts of Italy and France. I fell in love with Europe, the people, the buildings, the history...I can't wait to go back, and now I want the opportunity to meet some of my new found blogging friends from there. England will be the next Europe visit.

Others said any body of water will do...

But there is something to be said for standing at the waters edge and gazing into the horizon.

I am so small against the power of the ocean, I love knowing there is the might and the power in the midst of this crazy world.

I remember when I was around 17, a group of us hopped in a van and took a beach trip. We played Frisbee, splashed in the waves, chased each other all over. I remember being exhausted and laying out my towel. I laid down with a perfect view of the guy I had a crush on. I was warm, satisfied and could hear the waves crashing in the background.

I drifted off to sleep. I have no idea how long I slept, but I was shaken awake to get ready to leave and I woke to discover I had the worst sunburn I have ever had in my life....

Moral of the story, don't forget to wear sunscreen this weekend.

HUGS to all of you!

Run away with me to the Beach.

2007-05-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

Oh, what I would give to be there right now....

Everyone has a favorite place in the world to be....Mine is the beach, walking along barefoot, with the sand all over my feet.

Where is your favorite place??

Free as Can be

2007-05-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

Running down the road as fast as my skinny little legs would go...

Upon entering my house, I would fling down my backpack, and as I am running down the hall...

Off came the pinchy shoes, off came the skirt and itchy blouse, leaving a trail of school clothes behind.

I would slip into my stained, torn shorts and t-shirt, and tiptoe barefooted out the sliding glass door.

I would go to my favorite spot in the world.

It held all my secrets, it was the door to my imagination and delight.

On my way up, my feet caught all the right spots that had been worn from climbing so many times. Once at the top, I would shimmy into my spot. From this spot I had the best view of the humming bird feeder, and a nearby branch that I could rest my book on and lose myself in my next adventure.

I would lean back, my feet swinging in the breeze....

From high in the branches, I was in my castle. I was safe from anything on the ground. All the worries, scares and sadness were gone.

Up there I was a princess. A princess in torn jeans and t-shirt.

Just a rant

2007-05-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

Warning, this is a rant and rave, you are being fore warned that this is not a pretty little blog...If you want to bypass this episode, I completely understand, and I am not looking for sympathy, just expressing my feeling...

I just don't understand.

Why does a mother who tells you, I begged God to give me a baby. Say in the next breathe, but I wanted a boy. "I don't understand, why God didn't give me a boy."

Why in a moment she could change from being a woman that could just ignore me, and go into a rage a moment later, leaving me to bear the bruises and scars. Actually, I do understand this one, she is sick. But I don't want to understand right now. I want to be angry that I never had a mom, just an angry old lady that is mad at the world.

Why does a mother tell her daughter that its ok to be the ugly duckling, so she doesn't have to worry about me being interested in boys.

Why after all these years being apart from my mother, is she able to say things that just break my heart. Why would she ask me if I am still an ugly duckling and allude to the fact that perhaps it is my looks that are keeping me from more out of life.

She doesn't understand that I am happy with my life. I am satisfied with the person I have become, and no matter what the damn woman says...I AM BEAUTIFUL. Maybe not to all people, but there are people who think I am and that is all that matters to me.

She has asked me to forgive her time and time again. And I do, and I will continue to. I just wish I could have a mom to talk to and share with. I never had the chance to get all pretty for a dance and have my mom take pictures or share tears with me over a silly boy.

Art of Learning

2007-05-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

This is supposed to be a meme, tagged by none other than the famous Greg at Greg's General Store. But education is so important to me, that I decided to make this just a regular blog. I will answer the questions, but also add more of my own thoughts to it.

What was the name of the teacher that was most influential in your life from grades K through 6?

I have to honestly say there is not a single teacher that stands out to me during these years of my life. Honestly most of the teachers thought I was stupid. Little did they know I was severely hearing impaired. After a few operations, I could hear better, and my grades started going up.

The teachers that made the biggest impact in my life was my 8Th grade teacher, Sandra Bryant and my High School Jr. English teacher Mr. Rensi.

What subject did you favor in high school?

My favorite subject was/is English.

Did you attend a university and if so, did you attain a degree?

I have attended college, but still no degree. I am slowly and painfully working my way to a bachelors in business management. it may be years before I finish, but I am bound and determined to do it for me.

Do you learn best through books, by watching, or hands - on?

I can learn by all three, but I am very much a hands on person. I like to be able to touch it, see it, feel it, and experience it for myself.

Has education been an ongoing process for you? How do you feel about that?

Yes, education is truly on ongoing experience for me. I feel that when a person stops striving to learn and grow, they are giving up the very thing that keeps us going. Everyday I learn something new.

My father was very, very educated. I have always admired him and wanted to attend college. To my consternation when my dad moved me to California to go to college, his oh so lovely wife at the time decided that I would attend Beauty College instead of regular college. I did attend, I hated it and refuse to get a job doing hair. (Not saying there is a single thing wrong with it, it just wasn't for me.)

Several years later I tried attending a city college and that was horrible. The teachers didn't care and all the other students wanted to do was talk about the next freaking party coming up. (Not that I didn't want to have fun, but I was paying for the classes with my own money and wanted to get something out of it.)

Next I attended three years of online classes and I won't even say how horrible and a waste of time that was. I recently found out that most of those classes are not even transferable.

So as I said earlier one of these days I will earn my degree....but just for me.

So since this is a meme on education, if ya feel so inclined consider yourself tagged otherwise I will see you all on my next trip around the blogosphere.

Out of the Mouths of Moms

2007-05-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here shaking my head. I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my mom. It was surreal.

I have to be honest and say, I am not close to my mom. I wish I was, but she does not allow any one in and if you do get close watch out...the Bible will be permanently shoved down your throat.

But I love my mother despite her short comings and today I called to wish her a Happy Mothers Day. I believe the following conversation will show that in desperate times, even a Bible thumping mom, will bend the rules a bit.

Our conversation went something like this....

Brrrrring, brrrring...

Her: Hello, hello...hello??????

Me: Mom its me , mooommm, its me. MOM!

Her: Oh HIIII sweetie. How are you? whatareyoudoing? areyougoing tochurch?areyoueating?

Me: Uhhh, yes!?!

Me: I just wanted to wish you a Happy Mothers Day.

Her: Thanks...

Then I won't bore you with the middle part, it's boring....but then as we were getting ready to hang up, my mother pulled a real whopper on me. She never fails to amaze me.

Me: Well, mom I better be going.

Her: ok, so....when are you going to get pregnant?

Me: WHAT?????? You know there are some crucial elements necessary for that to happen, right mom???

Her: Oh, well I figure that you could just find some good looking guy to sleep with you and you could have a baby. Because I want a grandbaby.

Me: OMG, I can't believe you just said that!!!!!!!

Her: Well, honey you do have to have sex to have a baby, and I want a grandbaby.

Me: ummmm, yes mom I know you have to have sex to have babies, but I am so not having this conversation with you. Mkay- bye mom.

So my mom that is a God fearing, Bible thumping mother, who is against sex outside of marriage of any kind, wants me to find some guy and just ask him to have a kid with me... Yeah, that wasn't weird or awkward at allllll. Side note...I have two step children who are her grandkids, but I have not had my own child, and that seems to be what all of our conversations as of late have been about.

Fire! Fire!

2007-05-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

It kills me to turn on the news right now...

California, Florida and Minnesota are going up in flames. There are probably more areas, but I don't know about them.

California did not get near enough rain this year. It is going to be nuts this year.

BE CAREFUL. If you are a smoker, DO NOT THROW YOUR FREAKIN BUTTS OUT THE WINDOW!!!! There are more fires started this way.

Please keep the men and women who fight these major forest fires in your thoughts and prayers. I know several people who are on a hotshot team and they put their lives on the line everyday to keep these wildland forest fires from consuming entire towns.

I want to know WHY?

2007-05-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

EDITED to include more details as people were asking why this was about the rich and not just the kid.

Why do some (not all) people with money think they are better than others? What gives them the right to be so rude? To look down on us common folk and sneer? Do parents of rich kids really think that throwing money at them will give them love or make a bad situation better?

Lately working at my new job, I have run into some very....interesting people, they have money and are not afraid to make demands. Just the other day, I had to gently remind a lady that these were apartments and not a custom home.

But I actually want to share this:

I heard a story today about a rich family that lives here locally. It disturbed me...greatly.

The story starts off that a local police officer was looking for a wanted young man. After asking the family and some of the young mans friends, he was found living with some friends and their parents.

When this officer went to go pick up the kid the other mother was in hysterics. She couldn't understand why the poor, unfortunate, misunderstood kid was being hauled off to jail. The officer asked her if the young man had told her the story about why he was being taken to jail.

The mother answered that the young man had told her that his parents didn't love him and had abused him. She thought she was taking this young man into her home to protect and shield him.

The officer then told her that the young man came from a very influential family, and that he was wanted for stabbing his mother with a BBQ fork (you know the ones with the long prongs to turn over meat). The mother was laying in a hospital suffering while this young man was saying he was being abused.

Why you ask, did he stab the mother??? He stayed out very late partying the night before and when he woke up late in the afternoon, he demanded that his mother make him breakfast. When she refused, and started to walk outside, he followed and stabbed her.

The sad thing is, he tried to deny the whole story.........

BUT coming from an influential family, the entire thing was caught on the family's surveillance tapes...Along with him saying he was "gonna kill you, for not making breakfast."

Even more of a tragedy is this young man has a history of violence. Instead of the parents giving him love, attention and some discipline, they through money at the problem. He wants for nothing material wise. Maybe when he was younger he got in small amounts of trouble so he could get his parents attention, and it escalated as he got older. Who knows what the psychology is, I just find the situation sad. I truly feel for the family as a whole. There was some element missing from their structure....

I am sure their is more to the story...there are the mental and emotional sides. Was it a drug induced attack? Did the young man feel loved by his family? There are so many elements that go into what was going on in the young mans mind. The whole thing makes me sad.

I am far from being rich, or even being considered well off...I don't think money is evil, but I think that the greed and motive behind the money can make you do terrible things and become a terrible person.

I also realize this is not just a "rich" problem, but that there are people everywhere who are experiencing these kinds of problems, but I was more frustrated that the rich throw money at a problem rather than taking a minute to maybe seek the root cause of a problem. I also have nothing against money, in fact I really like money.

OH Baby!

2007-05-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

Man, I am loving the new job, but I get home so late...I have no energy to blog. I miss blogging, so here is a short and sweet one.

I wanted to share with my blog family the new baby!

Her name is Iliana....I am told that she is a good little eater and sleeper....I do hope to be able to see and hold her soon. I am beginning to like this grandma thing....

Well, I am off to bed, just wanted to share the new little angel with you.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

2007-05-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

This is my hundredth post and in honor of that I have given a special interview from Dorky Dad. (Ok, not really, but it sounded good)

Question 1: Tomorrow is your last day on Earth. What do you do?

Whaaaa! I am gonna die tomorrow! Whaaaaa.... Ok, I am over it. What would I do? Well since I am a soft hearted, sentimental person, I would make sure that all the people I love know I love them. And then I would do something extreme I have never done...jump out of a plane, or ...or...something like that. (no not really, because everyone who really knows me, knows I am a chicken, but if it was my last day...who knows, maybe I would try it.) I would also eat all the foods that I love....lobster, shrimp, desserts. Yummmm, I am hungry now.

Question 2: Why did you start blogging?

*Snicker* I honestly started blogging because I was bored, but the story goes like this. I worked at this Company and Chucky was always talking about his blog. So Echo and I asked a bunch of questions and I read his blog and decided to start one of my own. Nothing too exciting, but I am addicted to blogging now.

When I first started blogging, one day I thought I would venture out and check out a few other blogs. I read one and it was ok, kinda boring, moved on to the next one and it was about S & M and spanking and I ran back to my safe little corner didn't venture out to any other blogs for a long time.

Question 3: You say you are a "grandma." What is your idea of the perfect retirement?

I am still getting used to the idea of being a gramma...I have told a few people, that I am a gramma and I keep getting funny looks and the ask, How old are you??? I am having way too much fun with that. Have to brag a minute, the baby is beautiful. I will post a picture tomorrow.

Perfect retirement is being able to be financially set, so that I can travel (one of my goals is to meet some of the wonderful people I blog with), relax, garden, spoil grandkids, and just live. I don't want much, just to be able to do the things I want to do.

Question 4: Some goofball wizard decides to turn you into a vegetable, but is kind enough to give you your choice. What do you choose and why?

Dorky, what were you drinking when you came up with this question??? Lets see, do I want to be a vegetable that I like? Or one I don't like? Do I want to be eaten or left somewhere to rot? OMG there are so many decisions...can't think....

Broccoli - It can be eaten many ways and people love broccoli. I want to be a loved vegetable. I want people to rush to the store and buy me, because they can't wait to steam me and serve me beside their fillet Mignon.

Question 5: You are in a room, alone, with Donald Trump. What do you do?

First of all let me say, there is no way possible I would ever be alone in a room with this man. Why him, couldn't I have been alone with some hot, hunk of a man. Or if not a hot one, at least one I like????

Oh, I could have so much fun with this question, but alas I will behave myself.

Honestly, other than tearing off that terrible hair piece off, I probably would ignore him. But I think that would drive him crazy, as he is used to being the center of attention. He would talk to me and I would pretend he does not exist. I think the man is annoying and despicable. Oh, and I would tell him "Your Fired!"

OK, I am ending this interview now, mostly because I have no more questions to answer. And now I DARE YOU to let me interview YOU.

C'mon. What are you afraid of?

Here's what to do:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

See its simple...really. No, really.

Gay-Racism-Christians

2007-04-29T08:06:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days a few of my blog friends have written blogs that are making me think...Enemy of the Republic, Anne, Spongy.

I keep starting and restarting this blog. I know what I want to say, but I can not put the words down. Maybe it will be easier to start with my own background.

My mom, is a hardcore, staunch, black and white, wrong and right, her way only, scripture quoting, Bible toting christian. I grew up in this environment. Even though I went to a christian school, my mom was judgemental of all my friends. Her skirt was too short, or how dare her mother allows her to wear makeup. I was pretty much a loner, because my mom chased all my friends away with her judgemental self.

I remember my mother shouting down hell, fire and brimstone if she saw a pregnant young girl. If there was a gay young person, she would preach at them. I remember wanting the earth to open and swallow me out of embarrassment. And God forbid I tell her to stop, she would turn on me and tell me that if I was not for God then I was against God. That if I was sitting on the fence, I would be spewed out of his mouth.

Yep, those were the days....Today, I don't have my mind made up on all issues, but I do know that I do not judge people based on their color, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs. I have friends of many different races, of different sexual orientations and different beliefs. I love each one of them the same and though, I may not always agree with them, I do not judge them.

I myself was in an interracial marriage. It was really hard. There was a clash of cultures, friends and family. People told my darker skinned husband that we would never make it, I was just a stupid white girl. That I wouldn't "get" him. That someone of his own race would take better care of him than I could. Though, our marriage did break up (we were together over 10 years) it was not due to it being a racial issue.

I have friends that are black and nothing makes me angrier than when other black or white people make racist comments about me or my friends. The racism goes both ways. My girlfriend gets just as much crap as I do.

Why does it matter color of skin, sexual orientation, or beliefs??? There are bad and good in all people and places. The God I know told us to love all people, not just the ones who are easy to love and accept...all people.

There is so much more to this, but I am still having a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings, this is a blog that I will expound on more at a later time.

So much Drama!

2007-04-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

People astound me....

I am getting into my new job, and am being blown away by people.

The majority of the people that are renting are people recently going through a divorce or people getting ready to divorce and want a place for when they break the news.

We have another couple that is there in top secret. The apartment is in her name only. He can't because he is someone famous and he can't let his ex know he is remarried or living there.

People walk into rent an apartment and I find out more about them in 15 minutes time. I know the ones who are getting divorced, using them as a love nest and the ones who are hiding from ex's.

Why would you open up that much??? I don't think I have ever laid bare my soul to a girl renting me an apartment.

It doesn't Hurt.

2007-04-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

I try to tell myself it doesn't hurt. As of today I. am. a. gramma.

I was not there for the birth, neither was her father. We were not welcome. This hurts him far more than it hurts me. When he called me 4 times tonight to let me know the status, the hurt was raw in his voice.

I wonder who this little girl has become. The little girl I raised was a delight, she was spirited, a jabber jaw, precious, innocent, an artist, and determined. She was determined to not become what her own mother was (remember I was the step-mom). Her own mother was a teenage mom and then didn't want to have kids. She was determined to become something, she ranged between wanting to be a pediatrician and an artist. (She has a genuine God given artists ability, she draws very, very well). I encouraged her to follow her heart.

When I decided that a divorce from her daddy was appropriate, it broke me that I had to leave these kids, but since I was only a step mom, I had no leverage what so ever over those kids.

I found out in October that my baby was having a baby. Over the past 4 months, it has been a real burden and heartache. She decided to run away from home, as her father demanded that the young man show some respect and was not allowed at the house without an adult being present. I think right now I am hurting more for her dad, than for me...that is his flesh and blood and he was told not to come to the hospital as he was not welcome. He is finding out the details from gramma.

I just want to know where my little jabber jaw went and when she was replaced with this arrogant, little girl, that thinks she is an adult.

First Day

2007-04-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

Started my new job today. It was full of new faces and forms to fill out.

Then we were informed we were going to go through the sexual harassment course. I have been through so many I could do it asleep, so I thought no problem. The HR person took us to a learning center and seated us. She set us up on our own computers and explained that we did the work books and then took a test at the end that we had to pass at 70% or better.

I hate tests....hate 'em!

This was the most thorough sexual harassment training course I have ever taken. It explained every single nuance of harassment and gave examples and defined each and every term. It was a three hour long process, but I scored a 96% wooohooo for me.

Then I found out for my position I have many other tests that I must pass...uck! So I spent all day today sitting on my butt at a computer learning about the Fair Housing Act, and Leasing for Life and tomorrow is more tests.

The fair housing act was actually interesting, it was really based on history and gave dates and events as to when the federal government started changing laws against discrimination.

I found out that Federal law is the big over all laws, then it break down further in state and get detailed as it breaks down to local law.

I am not allowed to ask any question what so ever that might make a person feel like I am discriminating in any way. I even have to take notes down as to when people call asking about an availability so I can not be sued.

Example:

Mrs. Henry calls at 10 am looking for a 2 bedroom unit, there are none available.
Mr. Jones give a 30 day notice at 3 pm.
Mr and Mrs. Smith come in at 3:30 looking for a two bedroom unit.

I have to document the time and dates so that Mrs. Henry can not come back in and say I discriminated against her by not giving her the apartment.

There are SOOO many rules and regulations. Its nuts!

But overall the more I find out about the company, I am super excited. It seems like a great place to work.

Shame on ME!

2007-04-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to Salinas to visit my dear friend. She is quite a bit older than me and I call her mom. She actually looks like she could be my mom. She is reliving her youth and has been doing so for several years. She parties harder than I do. Weekends spent with her exhaust me.

I drove over Friday afternoon and we went to dinner, then she wanted to head over to the American Legion. It was pretty packed with people, though the average age was about 80. I did get asked to dance quite a bit. Had a few drinks and watched "mom" do shots of Patron. She is dangerous when taking shots (ever heard the song "tequila makes her clothes fall off?")

Our group closed down the legion and she still wanted to party, so we headed over to a local hole in the wall bar and there was karoke. She LOVES karoke, alot!!!! So she put in a few songs. I do not do karoke under any circumstances at all!

While in there, I was a bit nervous as I dislike crowded bars. I was overtly looking around so, I could figure out where people were, and if I felt there needed to be any worry of fights etc. I ordered a glass of wine and was trying to drink it. I saw two BIG girls pointing at me, and I really got nervous.

A few minutes later I realize there is someone openly staring at me. I glance to my left and there is a man getting another beer. He points to the bottle and nods, not saying a word. Then he turns and openly stares at me. I really dislike that! I purposely dog him and turn my body to ignore him. Finally he grabs his beer and walks away. The crowd in the bar started to thin out a bit and I relaxed.

A few guys came up to ask me to dance, I was starting to have a little fun, but I kept noticing the same guy was staring at me. I told "mom" that I was wanting to go home, she didn't want to. I sighed and started talking to some girl standing next to me. A few minutes later someone bumps into me, I turned to say Excuse ME! and its the guy that had been staring at me. I was about to unleash holy hell on him, when he starting signing to me that he was deaf. Boy, did I feel like crap. Thank God I know some sign language, he said sorry for staring he was trying to get my attention. We ended up talking (signing), he was a super sweet guy.

But shame on me for judging him. I am going to be very honest. When I first saw him staring I immediately labeled him in my mind. And let me tell you the labels I put on him were rude and mean. I judged this poor man based on how he looked and his actions, rather than who he was.

So that is why I say shame on me!

2nd Try

2007-04-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I tried to write this blog and blogger decided to eat my post, so I am trying this again.

My new job is with the largest property management company here in my local area. My new position is a leasing agent at a brand new property that is being built in Clovis, Ca.

The company offers many perks for their employees, starting with the usual benefits, and 401k, vacation, sick days and many ways to earn bonus'.

Yesterday, was an interesting day for me. I got to see the reality of the company and meet all the owners and bigwigs. There was an annual training day that they asked me to attend even though I don't officially start until Monday. I got to see the benefit of working for a very large company and I also got to see some of the daily challenges I will face.

I am a people watcher and I was seated in the back of the room and got to watch all of the interaction of the employees and the training staff. It was so interesting to watch.

There were the people that have been with the company for years and were know-it-alls, and did not want to change to the new policies.

There were others that were fairly new like me and were lost (like me).

There were others that just kept repeating "I just don't get it!"

and many other personalities. I was impressed with the training staff, as they tried very hard to answer all questions but also keep the training machine moving forward.

For me it was just information overload. Thank God I was sitting next to the girl I will be working with and she explained things to me as we went along.

California has some crazy laws about what is considered "Fair Housing Act". There are SO many rules and regulations. I have so much to learn, but I love a challenge and pretty soon (hopefully) I will be leasing apartments like a pro.

GRRRR

2007-04-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

I freaking hate blogger.....I just got through typing a LONG blog about my new job and the interesting day I had and I hit PUBLISH and the entire blog disappeared....

BREAKING NEWS FLASH

2007-04-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

I got the joobbbb, I got the jooooobbbbb. Whoooohoooooooo.

Geez talk about taking off a burden. Its contingent upon passing a drug test....I will have no problem with that....

I have been so stressed out over not having a job. I feel so much better now. Thanks to all of you that have had me in their thoughts.

Random Thoughts

2007-04-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say, but with all the thoughts buzzing around in my head, nothing is simply flowing from my thoughts to my fingertips....

First I wanted to mention the tragedy that occurred today at Virginia Tech. So sad that so many lives were lost. Seems if the school had reacted faster there may have been less life lost. I am NOT attacking the school, but just concerned that they thought an email two hours after the first shooting was sufficient. But having so little information available yet, does little to help us understand what happened. My heart goes out to all of the students and their families.

I have not been blogging as much as I normally do since returning from my vacation. My heart has not been in it. First I returned to the news of Baron passing, and the next day I went into work and was laid off. I don't understand why they even brought me back if things were that bad for the company, but that is another blog of its own.

I have never drawn unemployment, and never thought I would need to, don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have that to fall back on, but I really want to work. I enjoy working and being productive. I have been so depressed, I know that I did not cause this, but I have been depressed none the less.

Don't even get me started on trying to find a job again. I get sick of having to "sell" myself. And if I see one more "must be bilingual" I am gonna....well I am not gonna do anything, but why do I have to be bilingual just to get a job in my country where I was born and raised...that boils my blood. Now, I am not being judgemental or racial...I do speak quite a bit of Spanish, but not enough for a job or to be considered bilingual.

But on the brighter side I did have an interview today and it seemed to go very well, they said I would know their decision by the end of the week....Please send good job vibes my way....

My Vacation in Pictures!

2007-04-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

My first stop was to play in Disney World for a few days.....

I played with Dinosaurs and ran all over Disney world....

After a week of wearing myself out...I boarded the Carnival Mircle for a week of fun and...

Some adult beverages....

We stopped in Crand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize, Costa Maya...Did you know that in Belize that English is the first language. In Cozumel, Belize and Costa Maya I took tours to look at all the ancient Mayan Ruins. Some of them were off limits to people walking on them and others were open to having people walk on them.

In Cozumel there were guys that were dressing up in "authentic" clothing and you could take pictures with them...

There were some of the most gorgeous beaches I have ever laid eyes on....

Wow, can you believe some of the incredible beauty that is out there?

Simply gorgeous....I love taking pictures of nature, can you tell?

Oh and did I mention that I made many new friends while on this trip....

Unfortunately they wouldn't give me a phone # or address to stay in touch.....

Raining Today

2007-04-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

The weather matches my mood today....

When it rains, it pours....never has this been more true in my life than the last few days.

In Memory

2007-04-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I returned from a wonderful vacation. I was met with the news that a friend of mine had passed away.

Baron -

I want to thank you for your friendship and your wise words when I was down. You told me once in an email that you learned so much from me, but it was I who learned from you. You were such a wonderful friend. You were so passionate about your life and your children. You wrote to me about your family and how much they meant to you. You told me of your brothers and sisters. You were the first to want to look inside yourself to change and grow, you then challenged me to do the same. You were always quick with a joke or a funny saying. We shared much about our love of the same music. You stood for what you believed in and the ones you loved. I am proud to have been your friend and you are so very missed.

To everyone you had a kind word and you shared so much of yourself with all of us. I never had the opportunity to meet you in person, but after all our talks and emails, you had become such a dear friend to me. There are many, many lives that you touched.

While on vacation I learned that the Mayan cutlure does not believe in goodbye, but rather that they will meet up again in the future, whenever that may be. Their word for meeting again in the future is Sama. And to my dear friend Baron I say Sama to you.

Ciao My Dear Friends

2007-03-26T16:26:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I must get up at 3:30 am (isn't it against the law to have to get up that early??) and I am flying off to my vacation. EKKKK! I am SO excited! I will miss my blogging family dearly, but I might have a moment or two to do some visiting while I am on vacation. If not then I will be back on April 9Th.

And I shall leave you with an interview, given to me by the famous Jayman. (There might be just a touch of embellishment here and there in this interview. )

Jayman: Barb, we know that you have such an easy life, so we want to hear about a perfect day to you.

Barb: A perfect day, starts by not being woken by an alarm clock, but rather when I naturally wake up. Make a pot of coffee and sit in my PJ's having great conversation with someone I care about. Get showered and dressed, and head out for the day. Make a stop by the beach and feel the sand between my toesies. Have some wonderful Clam Chowder for lunch, for the afternoon walk around a quaint little town and window shop. Spend the late afternoon watching the beautiful sunset, and end it with a great little dinner and a glass of wine. Then sit for awhile and chat beneath the stars. Ahhhh, that sounds like a perfect day to me.

Jayman: Well that sounds fine and all, but we really want to get a little deeper into knowing you, do you have any scars?

Barb - yes, I do. Many in fact, I was quite a tomboy growing up, so my knees are quite the story of scars and I have chicken pock scares from when I had that, and I can be quite the klutz so I little scars all over my hands. One funny story, and its not even a scar, but I get asked about it all the time, is a strange arrangement of freckles that I have on my right upper arm. People ask me all the time if it is a tattoo. It is just a weird constellation of freckles...I know I got a little off the scar track, but oh well!

Jayman: Uh, that was interesting...on to the next question. What character from a book would you be?

Barb: Oh I love books! My favorite type of book to read are murder/mystery/who done it's. I would want to be the person who solves the case. They get all the clues, come close to death themselves and still manage to solve the case and get the girl.....In my case though, I want the hot ass guy!

Jayman - We all have favorite holidays and among those we have all had a favorite Halloween costume. What is your favorite Halloween costume?

Barb: Oh it has to be when I was a little devil. I had horns, a tail and the cape....I was using the horns to hold up my halo!!!! There is even a picture to prove it!

Jayman : Ok, so we are at our final question of the evening. We want to know the real Barb. We want some juicy details. We want to know about your first kiss.

Barb: Ah, a first kiss is one that is usually never forgotten. It was in spring and the young man's name was Jaime. I was smitten with this young man. We went to high school together and he played the saxophone. We were at his house (his family was like my second family) and we went down by the creek to cool off. We both we kinda flirting, but neither one of us told the other that we like each other. We were sitting on a big rock side - by -side joking around and all of a sudden we looked at each other and bumped noses. We both laughed and then we kissed. I swore that fireworks were going off....On the phone later that night he asked me to be his girl, then two days later dumped me because he said I was a greater kisser, but was too plain to suit his taste in girls....oh well, at least I got a kiss out of it.

Jayman: Barb, thanks for a great interview. We have all gotten to know you a little bit better.

Just SOOOO Bummed! (NOT)

2007-03-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

This is me trying REALLY hard not to look too excited about next

week. ( I know, its a dorky picture, it was the best I could do taking a picture with the camera stretched out in front of me!!!)

I am getting ready to go on vacation. I will be sitting on the beach, kicking back sipping Pina Colada's. Enjoying the nice warm sunshine....

Enjoying the gorgeous Sunsets.....

I am sooooo excited about my vacation coming up....Can you tell?

Let Me Be Poor

2007-03-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

I don't know who wrote this or I would give them credit. I read this earlier, and two thoughts came to my mind. 1) "Out of the mouth of babes". That phrase gets used to much, but it is so true. Most children are not marred by hate and prejudice. They are able to see the world in its true beauty. 2.) I thought, please let me be poor. If being poor allows me to have fresh air, freedom to roam in fields and streams and the ability to help others...then let me be poor.

Hypothetically Speaking

2007-03-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

The other day a friend and I went to lunch. We were chit chattin' and catching up. After our lunches arrived, she had a serious look on her face. I told her to tell me what was bothering her.

Background - She is a lovely lady, who is married to a great guy of 9 years. Both have fantastic careers, and they have a small child. They live in a nice house..etc, etc. You get my point.

She looks at me and tells me that she is thinking of getting a lover. My jaw hit the floor.

So, I asked her to tell me why.

She began to share with me about the details of her marriage. She loves her hubby to death, but there is no passion, no desire, no sex between the two of them. When the act is done, is in a perfunctory manner. They do not want to get a divorce, but she states "she still has needs." I asked her if they had thought about counselling, she said he doesn't think there is a problem, so therefore doesn't think counselling is necessary. I also asked her if they have tried to spice it up a bit. She told me, she got some sexy under things, he won't try toys, and laughs when she springs some new little action on him. He says that after being married that many years, it is just not as important as it once was!

I asked her if she thought he was cheating on her. She said absolutely not. He is home every single night. He calls her during the day to tell her he loves her, he still does small things just to say " I love you" etc. He just has zero sex drive. I then told her that he should be checked out by a doctor, because medical conditions can effect a mans desire. She went back to her earlier statement that he doesn't think anything is wrong with him. I told her to talk to her own doctor about it, he might have some suggestions.

We talked further about the possibility of her taking a lover, she asked me my opinion, and I gave her my opinion. But I am curious what opinions of other people are. I know what I think about the importance of sex and passion in a marriage, but I want to know what my community of bloggers think. You guys are great and I really want to know if others think as I do, or if I am just a crazy person.

It Moves Me

2007-03-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

Music moves me...it effects me, changes my moods, lifts me up, and its part of who I am.

There is one song in particular that I keep coming back to...yes, it is a country song. It is written by Garth Brooks, "The Dance".

I know there are many of you who do not like country music, but forget for a moment that it is country. Just read the lyrics and see the song as what it is.

This song has so much meaning to me. This song answers all of the "what if?" questions. What if I had never met him/her? What if we had never married? What if? What if? What if? There is no way of nowing the end or outcome, but we can't let the fear of hurt cripple our chances of finding love or the right person to share it with.

Even though I am divorced, I would not change who I married or the lesson's (baggage - see Singleton's post) I learned. I grew to become the woman I am. I became secure in the knowledge of who I am and what I want out of a relationship. Yes, there was anger, hate, bitterness and all the nastiness that goes with divorce, but I still would not have missed the chance at the dance.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know
I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
but I'd of had to miss the dance

I have been playing with the idea of starting a music blog. There are thousands of songs and groups that I love to listen to. I had a hard time narrowing down the music I wanted on my new lil MP3 player. Though, I know nothing of using U-tube (I think that is how it is spelled). If anyone has thoughts or would like to add a thought about a music blog, or to tell me how to use the U-tube thingy, I would love to hear about it.

Thing to know about me(me)

2007-03-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all of you for the fantastic Birthday Wishes! It was a good one. I was busy the last few days putting great music on my new MP3 player. Music I love can be a blog unto itself!

I was tagged for a meme from Queen Anne's Revenge. It is 5 Little known facts facts about myself! (This should be interesting), then I get to tag 5 other people (that's the best part!)

1. I was mistaken for a boy. As as child I was very much a tomboy. I had short hair, jeans and t-shirts, and played in the mud as much as possible! One day my mom and I were riding the bus and a gentleman told my mom she had a handsome son! I was mortified and decided it was time to start acting more like a girl!

2. I went to beauty college and have had every shade of colored hair, every length of hair and every type of hair style!

3. I was a cheerleader in high school for 1 year. It was a fluke, I was dared to try out. I did and I made the squad....it was interesting, but not really my thing.

4. I like almost every type of music there is. From oldies, to country, soft rock, alternative, reggae, punk, grunge...I just got an MP3 player and have had a blast filling it with a very eclectic variety of music.

5. I carry on full conversations with people in my sleep. I have had people wake me up and ask me what I am talking about or dreaming about...I can never remember when I wake up, but when they repeat back to me, I laugh at the very odd things I say.

There, now you all know some strange things about me. I get to choose 5 people and they are...
Em , Doragon , Jay , Kati , Lone Beader,

Another Year gone By

2007-03-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

Just another day...

I spent most of yesterday downloading music on my new birthday present. I got an MP3 player. Its funny, I would never spend the money getting myself one, but I am certainly not going to waste this great present.

I can't believe I am 31 today. I remember being 17 or 18 and envisioning my life....hahahha, its a far cry from the fairy tale my mind spun. But I am happy where I am. My basic needs are met, I have some fantastic friends, so what more could a girl ask for.

So, I am starting today in my cozy robe, with my nummy cup of coffee and a stroll around bloggerville!

Growing up

2007-03-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark." "How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

I read this little antidote tonight and at first I laughed at how cute and sweet it sounds...but then I got to thinking about it in terms of my own step kids.

I remember being in Jr. High and knowing what I know about the world now, I was very naive. I was just happy to have a boy "like" me. The first time a boy kissed me, I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

Fast forward to 19, I am married and have two step kids. They are cute, sweet and innocent.

As the kids continued to grow, their dad and I agreed that we would hit the topic of sex straight on and truly answer their question and be honest. At most questions this was easy and I always answered the questions as truthfully as possible without making it seem too...ok. I always tried to teach that being physical was not a bad or wrong thing, but that it needed to be with someone whom you loved and there were parameters that needed to be set as to how far to go etc. Most of these conversations I was able to have with a straight face and able to look my daughter in the eye.

We also had a rule in our family, that if they heard an unfamiliar term in school amongst their peers that they were to come home and ask, instead of getting the info from their friends.

Well there was one evening that girl child came home and was in serious thought mode. I knew better than to but in until she was good and ready to talk. About a half an hour before bed, she handed me a note that said she needed to have a talk.

I go in her room thinking a boy teased her, or she likes a new one etc. I sit down on the bed beside her and attempt to make small talk. She was not interested, she sat there silent for a moment, her brow furrow with trouble thoughts....Finally I said to just tell me what was on her mind.

I can honestly tell you that what came out of her mouth absolutely shocked me! I was not able to even look her in the eye, I looked at the spot where her hairline meets her forehead. I swear I turned 15 shades of red and about had a heart attack....

She turns to me and whispers, "what is finger banging? " I about died, I couldn't believe she had even heard that term....

After I about died, I told her what it was and I absolutely could not look her in the eye.

She was silent for a moment, before she made a face and replied, "yuck!" Inwardly, I said, "Thank you God!"

Kids are growing up so fast. Too damn fast.

Nice and Safe

2007-03-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Has anyone ever dated someone, and didn't really dig them, but everyone around you says, "But they are so nice!"

I don't want nice...I want someone I connect with, someone who tickles that spot inside me (not sexually, you perverts! well...I want that too.) I am not one of those girls, that want a bad boy, but I want someone that interests me...nice is so freaking boring, and there is nothing really in common. Why do parents etc, base all their dating assumptions, on..."he is such a nice boy!"

But does this nice boy have a personality? Does he know how to have a conversation? Can he laugh with me and at himself? Does he take himself too serious? In most cases where I have dated nice boys, there was nothing to them.

I love being spoiled and treated like a lady, but I like to get down and dirty too.
I am one who will roll up my sleeves and change (help) car parts. I like sports, hiking....exercising. I can drink beer, and belch and tell dirty jokes, with the best of them. I can cuss like a sailor, I love going to games...and hanging out.

I have caught myself saying about other people I have dated, "well, he is not really my type, but he is safe."

I don't want nice, and safe. I want someone whose views of the world align with mine. Someone I can curl up with and have conversations. There is the unspoken comfort of someone you know so well...I want that.

Nice and safe is great, if it fits into someone who also has something in common with me....

20 P's

2007-03-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

Earlier I was reading Queen Anne's Revenge , she had to think of ten things she likes and loathes that that started with the letter B.

I thought it would be fun to play along....she assigned me the letter P.

So things I like that start with the letter P.

1. Posting- new blogs are fun to both read and write!
2. Peanut butter cookies - they are nummy.
3. Pay checks - they absolutely rock!
4. Pictionary- really fun game to play.
5. Pictures - I love pictures, I love to scrapbook...
6. Pots and Pans- I like cooking!
7. Phones- I like to keep in touch with the people that I care about!
8. Pancakes- ummm, all buttery and syrupy, and slobery....
9. Pizza- Pepperoni, olives, muchrooms...best stuff on earth.
10. Plants- I love having lots of green plants around.

10 things I dislike that start with P.

1. Poo - nuff said.
2. Peaches, plums, pineapple- uck...just don't like 'em..
3. Pain- no explaination needed.
4. Pot...smell of it makes me nauseous.
5. Puke- nuff said.
6. Passive- have an opinion, even if it wrong
7. Proctologists- their job sucks any way you look at it.
8. Podiums - I have been in front of people acting and talking, but for some reason podiums aways make me nervous.
9. Pop [soda]- so very bad for you, trying to cut back.
10. Prying- I truly dislike people who pry!

Wow, that was kinda fun...the dislike were harder that the likes....ok, so who is next. Let me know if you want to play and I will give you a letter.

Just nothing

2007-03-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

Wow, I have a super bad case of extreme writers block. I want to write, I faithfully read my bloggerville favs...and I sit down to write my own...and my brain fills with white static...Kinda like white noise...or maybe its the voices in there arguing! Anyways, now that I sound crazy...

My boss apologized to me today, not a flippant apology, but a real sincere apology. It was nice and very unexpected. He has been under some stress and over the last week took it out on me...I was hurt, but kept it to myself. I knew he was under some really bad pressure and probably just needed to vent...Well the apology was great. I am glad that I did let the whole situation roll off my back.

I have been doing some soul searching...some looking at me on the inside. I don't know yet what I am finding. One thing I read time and time again are people on here trying to grow and better themselves...I to want to continue to grow and learn.

I think that when you stop striving, to grow and learn...that is when you begin to die...

Hummmmm, more to think on

Bowing out "Gracefully"

2007-03-03T20:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, many of you are not American Idol fans, but I am. This is not necessarily about A.I itself but one of its contestants.

The contestant in question is the famous Antonella...

When I first heard her audition I was a fan of her. She made it, when her friend did not. Her friend had formal training and Antonella did not. I was rooting for the "underdog"....but as time has worn on, I am sick of her, sick of her name, and sick of the fact that every time I turn on the News it consists of either her or Anna Nicole (but that is a whole different blog).

Has any one else heard of a web site called www.votefortheworst.com ? This website promote the worst of the worst on American Idol. There pick for female right now is.....guess? Come on take one guess....No? Ok, OK! Its Antonella.

She is staying because this website is thousands strong of people voting for her to stay on.

She knows she sucks...she knows she is only staying on the show, because of this website.

If I were her I would gracefully bow out. I would be ashamed of all the untoward media and the hype and the fact that I can't sing. I would gracefully bow out of the competition so someone more deserving could have a chance at winning.

She is cocky enough, to throw sarcasm and attitude back at the judges when they are telling her the truth about how back she sucks....did you see her roll her eyes like she was 13. As a step parent of teenagers, I wanted to smack the friggen look off her face!

Poets Corner Update

2007-02-26T18:04:00.000-08:00

I have Poets Corner up an running. I have a partner in crime now (teasing) Echo is an awesome writer and I am really excited that she wanted to join with me.

She has some awesome ideas for getting people to write. Writing ideas and other misc. FUN stuff!

I have also had a few other bloggers share their poetry. So don't be shy about adding your poems. Remember I can make them anonymous if you don't want to put a name to it!

Please take a minute to check it out.

An Epiphany

2007-02-20T18:08:00.000-08:00

I do my best thinking in the shower, or while trying to sleep or driving with my music blasting. All places that I do not have the ability to write.

So last night, I am laying in bed....thinking about general stuff and then the thought crosses my mind. How fun would it be to have a place where all the people that I blog with could have a place to display their poetry, and read others poems. There seem to be many people in our little blogger hood that love to read and write poetry.

So I created a spot called A Poets Corner for anyone who would like to share their poetry or short stories.

The way I am setting it up, anyone who wants to contribute would get their own label, so someone could click on a name and bring up every poem that person has contributed.

I will have you email the poems to me, with any information you want about who wrote it, when and anything else you want mentioned.

This is for everyone, anyone from Wizened Wizard (who writes beautiful poetry like a pro) to someone like me who is new at it. If you wanted to post as anonymous that is fine too, just note it in the email to me.

Please respond and let me know if this is something that you would be interested in...I thought this would be cool, as I love to go back and read peoples poems, but sometimes it is hard to locate them. If everyone thinks this is a big dorky idea...let me know and I will keep all future Epiphany's to myself...lol

Obviously I am a huge believer in free speech, so they only things I refuse to post are poems/stories that are racial or judgemental against other people...etc.

If you are interested...email me your poems/stories to bardouble29@sbcglobal.net

Let The Wild Run

2007-02-18T19:08:00.000-08:00

When I was in High School I was in track. I was a sprinter. I used to run, and run and run....I loved the freedom I felt. I loved to just let everything go...feeling the wind, thinking of nothing but the goal.

I used to feel the same when I climbed on a beautiful horse. Tuck down, hold on and let 'em run. Horse and rider meld as one, reading their body, knowing their every move...It is like a love relationship, the two must move as one. There is deep beauty in their wildness, it is a raw passion.

Right now I feel burnt out. I want to feel some freedom. I want to run, I want to feel the wind in my hair. I am tired of the same routine....work all week, eat, sleep, do the laundry...start all over again.

I need a night to let it all hang out. I also am passionate about dancing. I love to dance. Any type: swing, ballroom, line dancing, two step, cha-cha, or just moving to a rock-n-roll beat. For me a night out is not even about drinking (of course I like to have a few)...I would rather dance than to get drunk (hard to dance when you are sloshed.)

It is Sunday evening, I don't feel like I had much of a weekend. Saturday I did demo in a nasty old house. My knuckles look like I took on a bully, but it is from ripping up old lino from a kitchen. Then we laid a beautiful new epoxy aggregate floor. Today was about laundry, grocery shopping, and house cleaning....

Geez, I hate it when I sound like "oh poor me" but that is how I feel right now.....

The Stillness

2007-02-17T15:33:00.000-08:00

She sits, a lone figure in the miles of sand.
Rising she follows along the waters edge.
Bending she scoops up some sand,
and watches as the sand disperses in the wind.
Waves silently crawl to tickle her toes.
Soft lips of the breeze caress her cheeks.
She breathes in salt air and smiles.
Branches of a nearby tree conduct the song.
She closes her eyes, and listens to the chorus of silence.

The other day Baron Ectar spoke of "Easy Silence". To me easy silence is part of being able to be at peace with yourself. I love to sit by myself and just reflect. I can sit and just enjoy being in my own skin. So many people I know are afraid of their own skin, afraid to sit in silence and think. It reflects an ability to look inside yourself and really be able to talk to yourself.

One of my favorite places is the ocean. I love to take off my shoes and walk along a deserted beach. I love to feel the sand on my feet and the wind in my hair. Watch the power of the waves as they send spray up from hitting the rocks. I feel so small again the might of the ocean, but yet feel so at peace there. There is nothing more beautiful than the splash of color as the sun moves from the sky and appears to sink into the water.

Used to be

2007-02-15T20:01:00.000-08:00

Growing up...life was difficult to say the least.

My step dad divorced my mom and she went a little off the deep end. She didn't have a job, and was mentally unable to get one. We lost the house she and I were renting. She was willing to sleep at the mission or where ever she found a park bench. I was not willing to live like that, so the age of fourteen I found myself on my own. I got a job (had to fib about my age) and lived with families from my church and school friends.

Between the ages of 14 and 18, I moved 18 times. I became good at packing and moving. I kept things in boxes and only unpacked the essentials I needed for everyday. As I got tired of moving things became less important to me as it got more and more difficult to lug stuff around. This caused me to have a hard time putting down roots. To this day I have a hard time thinking of a home as mine, or even putting my things out. I actually still have things in boxes. One of these days, I want to really feel like I am home. I am going to take every last thing I own out and never keep boxes again.

These four years of my life were some of the loneliest of my life. I used writing and music as a means and release of not holding in the anger and the pain. Most of my writing was poems, but I also wrote some short stories. Some of the people I have shared them with say they are very sad and very dark. Yes, they are, they are a reflection of some very dark thoughts, sadness, and despair. But this was my release. I was able to go on about life, function and not fall apart or explode.

Having said that I want to share another poem I wrote. This is one that my English teacher asked me to submit for our class anthology. This one is a bit darker than the other one I shared in my other post. I clearly remember the day this was written. I felt very lonely and empty. I was thinking about my childhood and the abuse I had endured.

Unbearable Reality

Single, salty tear creeps down,

leaving behind a wet trail.

Hot and bitter,

emotions erupt.

Fires of anger, drowned by fears.

Pain fills the slaughtered soul.

Billows of coldness surround.

Time can't heal the memories.

Hand of pain,

strikes again.

Invisible, unbearable scars.

Thoughts of intense agony.

Pleas that fall upon ears of the silent.

Detachment of mind eases the pain,

but only for a time.

Walls built up, only to be torn down.

Protection can not be found.

Nighttime.

Darkness encloses.

Images swirl,

blur of the day.

Eyes grow heavy,

slumber encompasses.

Struggles begin once again.

Cold sweat,

gasping for air.

Only a dream,

but reality holds its context.

I promise, I will also share some happy stuff I wrote and I have started writing again and when I finish something I will share it.

Another Day

2007-02-13T17:12:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. It was a day for lovers...a day to be sweet and thoughtful to the person you love, but it has just become a day that just sucks! Not to say I don't like to feel special on this day....

I think that people who love each other need to strive each and everyday to make it work. Everyday a person awakes is a conscious effort to be a good husband/wife. Why should there be just one day a year that someone makes a special effort. It has become so commercialized, roses and candy double in price...things are expected...and the people that have no one in their lives feel like crap when every woman in the office receive $200 roses.

To me I would rather someone make a conscious effort to be a good partner and do the small things that make a relationship what it is. I would rather have a handpicked wildflower and a post-it-note that that says "I love you" than $200 in red roses (don't get me wrong, I love roses...but I would rather have them on a regular day than on Valentines day). I would rather get flowers brought home just to say..."honey I was thinking about you today."

It is the small details that make me happy. It is a look, a shared smile, a private joke. A comfortable silence that speaks louder than mere words. A touch that means a thousand things. There are the small things about the person you love, that you know brings them joy. Concentrate on these things and make the person know you love them daily.

Back when my ex used to try...he know I checked our PO Box every morning and he would go get one of my favorite chocolates and put it in a tiny box. He would put it in the PO Box for me to find when I got the mail. That is one of the sweetest memories I have, too bad he stopped trying.

Let me share a story of a girl I worked with a few years back. She is a well off, spoiled city girl. Who was dating a farm boy. The farm boy was enamored with this girl, and would have done almost anything for her.

Valentines Day came around, and through out the day several girls in our office received bouquets of flowers from their spouses. After lunch I was up front doing some paperwork and a delivery person came in with more flowers, she jumped up and said, "Are those for me? Oh they aren't red roses!" They were for another girl in the office, but she started complaining that they guy she was dating hadn't sent her roses. (Note: These people had only been dating about 2 months.) She said, "He better send me roses, or I am going to be pissed."

At this point my eyes were bugging out of my head at her audacity. BUT she continued....at this point she actually picked up her cell phone and texted this poor guy...asking where her roses were. I was absolutely aghast at her! I couldn't believe she had done that. At this point I walked away...I could not take anymore of the selfish, bitchy crap she was dishing out.

The next day, I just had to ask...did ya ever get roses? She rolled her eyes and said "ya, but he surprised me with them, he had dinner, a bottle of wine, a gift and roses waiting at my apartment when I got home. It was no big deal." I wanted to kill her!!! I couldn't believe that she was angry, that he saved money and made a nice dinner for her to surprise her and she was unhappy about it! People like her don't deserve to have someone waste their time on them.

I was so angry at her that she expected something...then she had the nerve to ask where her flowers were....When you have to ask, that in itself tells you where you really stand...

Take the time to make the person you love feel special, but make sure they know its not just because it Valentines Day...but because you truly love them.

Vulnerable Side

2007-02-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

This weekend I read Wizened Wizards blog...in it she spoke of the need to express herself and the desire to be creative. I too share a burning desire to share and create.

Reading her blog opened my thoughts again about returning to my writing. I used to write, as a release for life. I was young and in high school and life was extremely rough for me. My honors English teacher kept encouraging me to write, he said I had an unleashed talent that needed to be explored. But after high school I tucked away the hurts and along with that went the writing.

I would like to share a poem I wrote in high school. Understand I am really almost reluctant to share this. This was written when I was going some of the hardest times of my life. This is very When I was younger I wrote with confidence, now I feel rusty.....I would love to hear constructive criticism...if you have something unkind to say I don't want to hear it....

Midnight in the Middle of Day

The empty cold enfolds all around you,
you feel ensnared by its ugly claws.
In desperation, you search for escape,
an escape from loneliness,
instead it draws you deeper,
deeper into the gaping void of despair.
You grasp wildly at anything for hope,
but in the moat of despair, nothing floats.
In time, you have no faith left.
As the tide wains, so does strength,
the strength of character ebbs away.
Life's pain crashes down 'round you.
You search for shelter,
a hiding place from life.
There is no place to hide, no shelter.
Waves of pain crash down,
over your drowning soul.
All hope is given up,
You're caught in the shadows,
the shadows of loneliness.

Pass No Judgement

2007-02-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

I have had enough! I have had enough of closed minded people who judge others based on a misguided, conception of what society and the media has labeled other people.

People often judge others because they are gay, or lesbian or goth or a flamer or any other non-conforming belief there is. I have met so many wonderful people who have one of these "labels" and it pisses me off that there are so many others in society who refuse to get to know these wonderful people because they can't see past their own nose.

There are good and bad in all races, sexes, colors, creeds and types of people. A person should never be judged on the color, sexuality, creed or belief. I believe that a should be held responsible for each of there individual actions alone.

I dated a guy not to long ago that got into a small debate with me and I wanted to clobber him over the head. He was a good 'ole country boy, who thinks there is only one right way and that is his way.

There was a commercial on TV about a toy of some kind that was educational and could be given to both girls and boys. He stated, "No boy of mine is ever going to have a doll." And oh boy, was the argument on!!!!

I myself would not purposely buy a boy a doll, but the flat out, judgemental way he stated that pissed me off to the point of seeing red. I in turn asked him if he had a son and a daughter and they were playing together and the boy was playing with a doll of the sisters, how would he react. He said he would take it away and hand him a truck. If the child grabbed a doll a second time, he would whip the kids butt.

We argued about that for two days, until I realized he was a closed minded guy who would never be able to look at others without the proverbial blinders he had over his eyes. Needless to say that was a short lived relationship.

This rant stems from a comment made by a friend the other night at dinner. I reminded them that they were being very closed minded about the subject and they laughed and agreed they were.

To me when someone is quick to judge, it is because of fear. It may be a fear of the unknown about the other person. I remember back when I was in beauty college and I encountered the first "gay" person in my life. "Markie" was different than anyone I had ever met. I didn't know what to think. It went against the upbringing I had, it went against every thing society said. I got to know the person, and when I felt comfortable I asked about it. I have been laughed at by others for asking, but I was curious and really liked this person, so I wanted to know about them. After speaking with this person, they became near and dear to my heart.

Take the time to know someone, take the time to care.

Old Fashioned Customer Service

2007-02-09T17:21:00.000-08:00

I almost don't have words to describe how frustrating and disappointing my day was today.

About a month ago one of our designer book a large installation of a job over $10,000, to be installed today. From this one install we had the possibility of 5 more homes over the next year bringing in close to $60,000 in revenue for our company. When we get these big jobs in, we detail them and try to prepare, so that things go smoothly and the buyer feels comfortable writing a whopping $10,000 check to us.

This morning when I walked into work things seemed to be going so-so. The guys left at 8:00 to this job, later than they were should have to be there at the scheduled time of 9-10 (they had a 2.5 hour drive to reach this install site). BUT, if the guys are going to be late to an appointment they are required to call the customer and let them know they are late, and give an ETA of when they will be arriving. Almost all customers are fine with this, as most customers understand that traffic, accidents and such are unforeseeable occurrences.

Unfortunately at 10:40 I received a call from the designer stating the customer was beyond pissed as it was after 10:30 and none of the installers had called to say they were running late. I immediately got in touch with the installers manager and had him call the customer...things went from bad to worse. Our guys did not show up until 11:30 and had no excuse for there whereabouts.

What I am pissed about is we lost all the other installs from this client. All my guys had to do was one freaking phone call telling the customer they were running late. ONE FUCKING PHONE CALL. We lost $60,000 in potential sales and on top of that one of my installers had an attitude about it. I wanted to go through the phone and wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze, squeeze until .............

I am one of those people that call people sir and ma'am, I thank people for their business. If I tell someone I am going to call them, I do. I try to follow up on everything. Of course I am human and I do screw up, but I don't blame others or make excuses...I am the first one to say "OH no, I messed up", but then I try to do whatever is necessary to make it right.

My dad was a business owner and he taught me forever ago that the customer is the most valuable asset a company has. Without them, there is no company and no paycheck. He believed that the customer is always right. I 100% believe that, except when a customer is verbally abusive to an employee. There is no reason for a customer to be verbally abusive.

In a situation where I am a consumer, I can not stand it when the person I am seeking answers from doesn't know and makes no more to find out for me. Or when a young person is smacking gum, speaking in slang...talking to other coworkers about their wild night last night while helping me. Or when a person in customer service states they will call me back and they don't.

There is no reason for an employee to bring their bad mood or personal problems to work. If things are really bad, stay home and deal with the problem. No customer deserves to be the brunt of an employees bad mood.

I could go on and on about the lack of people who practice good customer service.