Stormy Night

Tonight it is pitch black outside and it is storming like crazy. The storm is making me want to curl up with someone and just listen to it howl and boom. It makes me remember a few storms from when I was a kid. I have always been fasinated by storms.

I remember on from when we lived on Wabash, in medford, Oregon. We had a large wooden deck out back and there was a thunder and lightening storm. (The storm was far away). My mom and I sat out there and watched the lightening and counted seconds in between the booms. Its one of the really nice memories I have of my mom.

Another storm I remember was a few years later. I was sound asleep and heard a sound like a bomb had gone off in the house. I was terrified!! I laid there for a few minutes trying to get oriented to the room and what the noise was. This storm was right over top of the area I lived in (still in Medford, Oregon). When the lightening flashed it was filling up the entire sky, and the lightening sounded like bombs going off in our backyard. I was SO scared, but by then I was to big to go into my parents room and my mom never came in to check on me, so I laid there are listened to it.

I am SO excited

When I first heard about the whole My Space thing, I vowed I would never have an account. Then my dear friends J and I talked me into the whole my space thing and I have an account now. I have decided I love my space .... because I have been able to get into contact with friends that I would probably not have found otherwise. Today a friend of mine found me, we were very good friends back when I was in high school. We would go to the movies and talk and we hung out together alot. I have always wondered what had happened to him. The last memory I had was we went to a movie and after we were talking in the RR Assem of God parking lot, unfortunately we didn't end our evening on a good note and I never heard from him again. I have thought about him many, many times for him over the years and have searched for him to no avail. Apparently he was searching for me also and found me on my space. YEA!!!! I got to talk to him today and it was like we picked up where we left off. It was so great to hear from him.

Wasted Life

Tonight my heart is a little heavy. The other day I got a call from my friend, who told me to get on the computer and look at the Fresno Bee. When I got there I could not believe what I was reading. The young man who shot two officers and then took his own life had been my supervisor just a week before. He was only 25 years old. No one knew he was depressed and wanted to committ suicide. To me the saddest part is that he used officers to assist in his suicide. He actually planned it. The week before his death the police have record of him calling and saying his roommate was suicidal. When the police showed up the house was locked and lights off, they assumed it was a prank call. The following week the same call came in and when the police showed up he threw down his keys to them off the balcony and told them to come in. When they entered he opened fired at the officers, wounding two of them. After a seven hour stand off with the police, and several attempts at communicating with the police, they tear gassed him and discovered him dead in the bathroom. He had taken his own life. He really didn't realize how many people loved him and how missed he will be. I find this situation so tragic. He was so young and could have gone so far in his life. RIP James Lunsford.

As Promised

As promised I will continue the saga of my life.

All of the following events happened while I lived in Orgeon on 4th st. We lived there for 1/2 of kindergarten through 1/2 of second grade.

During this time the next door neighbor girl asked my to go to church with them. I began going to Sunday school on a very regular basis. At one point there was a time I went and there was a large deminar of some type and at the end they asked for those who wanted to give their hearts to the Lord. Sitting there I felt a conviction and tug of my heart. I raised my hand and diligently asked Jesus to live in my heart. Shorty after I started begging my mom to go to church with me and she did, I forget exactly when she was saved, but she told me it was due to my persistence.

There are also memories of horrible ear aches and my step dad telling my mother to shut me up. Yet, he refused to take me to the doctor to get help.

I also remember one evening I asked my mom when school was going to be getting out so I could go visit my daddy in Ca. My stepdad was enraged that I was missing my dad and he came into the room and grabbed me and threw me in the truck and drove me to the bus station. He stated that if I missed my dad so much, he would put me on a bus and ship me to him and I could stay there for ever. At this point I was terrified! I was in pj's and it was dark and I had never been on a bus and he was threatening to send me alone to my dad. Being the smart lil girl I am, I suddenly developed a strong desire to "not want to see my dad". Looking back I actually apologized to him for asking for my father. Even back then I had a well preserved notion of self preservation. After sitting there for half an hour begging him not to put me on a bus, we went back home and I was grounded and told never to ask for my dad again. The reason I didn't just get on a bus, was I was scared for my mother. My father had started beating my mother and I was scared that if I wasn't there he might kill her.

Another memory I have is I was able to go see my dad for the summer and when I came back, I noticed the window in my room was broken. I asked my mom about it and was told that some one had broken in the house. I was terrified to go to sleep in my room and I remember laying awake at night, listening to every little sound and my imagination going wild with all the horrible things that were going to happen to me and my family.

Enough memories for now.

Funny thing called life

Life is funny in the directions that it leads you. I am happy to be back to my blogging again. I also promised my friend I that I would continue to write about my life. I am looking forward to continuing on that journey. On a side note I am very frustrated...I can not get ahold of my mother to let her know that I am no longer in the state of Ca. She has a freakin cell phone and i have left many messages and still no repsonse. I hate tracking her down at the womens shelter, but if I can't get ahold of her in a few days, I will send a letter to her and if that doesn't work, then I will call the shelter. AUGH!!!

So tomorrow a blog about my childhood....gotta do some thinking about where I left off last time.

Just satisfied

Hey it just me...saying that my heart is content where I am at in my life right now. I am in a great position, and am looking forward to what is thrown at me. I have been through hell and back in my life several times over and now I am being very selfish with me. And I like that feeling, I have always put myself last in relationships and with my mom and others around me and now I am saying screw that, Barb is gonna do whatever the hell Barb wants to do!!!!!

Well now that I have gotten that off my chest, I have to brag that my gas right now is $2.18, good bye Cali gas prices. I love it and the temp has been a mild and beautiful 75 degrees. All I can say is wow I should have left Ca. long before.

Blogging generalities

Ok, so tonight I am supposed to blog about .... Josh in a closet and boobies and other things that we laughed about but I don't remember. I had dinner with my friend tonight and really enjoyed myself. I got a lot of things off my chest and feel much better for it. (Thanks for listening and being a great friend). Wow it changes perspective from when you silently think about things in your mind and then say them out loud to someone. It think its official, I am truly crazy and psychotic, now that I have heard my own thoughts being spiken out loud.... I need to call my K before she thinks that I have truely gone off the deep end.

Life is Short

Its funny how you realize life is so very short. Someone I care very much about moved today. I feel heartbroken. They are going over 2000 miles away. It seems that all the people in my life that I have cared very deeply about always go away. My K is 2 states away and in all best intentions we talk about visiting but in over 10 years we have seen each other once in Ore. We talk all the time and are closer than ever but I miss her like crazy and now that B has left my life also I feel broken. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face. We talked about visits, but those are just empty words to fill a void that hurts when you leave someone you love. Yesterday when I loaded them up, I vowed to myself that is was not going to hurt, but the ache hurts and I can't stop the tears.

Secrets

Right now I have secrets, that I can't share with anyone. They are secrets that make me smile, but I can't talk about them right now, so I will share them silently with my blog.

Life

Its funny my blog title is " My crazy Life" and boy does life throw curve balls at you. Growing and changing causes you to really look at yourself. I tell myself that the way I was raised doesnt really affect me. But in small subtle ways it does, some of the ways make me a stronger person and some of the ways are not so great. Who I am is not something to be ashamed of, and I used to have a passion for people to REALLY understand me, but not so much anymore. People often look at me like I am crazy for repeating stories of my past and I have even had people tell me - ya right- as I have gotten older I begin to understand that as long as I know who I am then what the hell does it matter whats others think of me. There are always going to be people who dont like me and there are plenty who love me. The ones who love me are the ones who count.

First Time for Everything

Let me start of by saying that I did something yesterday that I was terrified to do and realized that I had so missed out on the experience. It was a phenomenal experience.

Yesterday for the first time in my life I donned a helmet and got on the back of a motorcycle. My good friend had been asking me to at least try it. I finally agreed, I met up with him and he went over the basics with me, helped me put on the helmet and I climbed behind him. He was just going to go a short distance and stop to make sure I was ok with it. I was terrified, but I was trying not to let it show, but he knew I was because he said he could feel my legs trembling. But as we got moving I could feel the wind and all I can say is WOW. I loved it. We stopped a short distance down and he asked if I wanted to try a longer ride, get out of Fresno for a bit, I said sure. Hopped back on and we hit 41, the freeway was a little terrifying to me, we were going SO fast and all I could think about was how very dead I would be if we crashed. But I was watching him navigate and drive and he was very cautious, I started to relax a little and within a few minutes I wasn't hanging on so tight and I was really enjoying myself. We went up towards the Bass Lake area, it was a gorgeous day and having the wind... wow, wow, wow. When we turned around and headed back I was actually sorta bummed. When we got back I thanked him for making me try something I had always been terrified to try. He could understand my fear because of all the bad rap that bikes have, but he said the guys like him that ride for the enjoyment of the bike are very careful. Its the other guys that are stupid that crash and kill themselves.

well, well, well

Since a dear friend just told me I am fried (fired) from blogging because I have been so lax about posting I guess I had better mend my ways and make a post.

I have some wonderful things happening in my life right now. I am starting a new job on Monday. I am SO excited. I will really miss some people I have become close friends with but, the opportunity that has presented itself is great.

This past week I have been laying out in the sun a lil and I am getting a bit of a tan, and a lil sunshine always makes you feel better when things are rough.

I have also reconnected with some very dear friends and that is always great ot catch back up on old times. In general things are ok...

Been a few days...

This evening I feel reflective....looking back I have come so far and the people I have choosen to keep close are very close to me.

Between the ages of twenty and thirty I really have grown into being comfortable in my skin...I have learned to feel sexy even with a few extra pounds, I have learned that sex appeal does not always include bare skin...allure goes along ways. I have also learned that I can be right and be silent...when you are younger, you must always have the last word to be right. I have learned to be content with what I have and the dear friends I have...when you are younger clothes and prestige are so important.

There are still days I look in the mirror and growl at the image reflecting back at me, but for the most part I love being who I am. I know that there is much I can give someone who takes the time to get to know me, and the people who don't know that is their own loss.

I have made some friend and reestablished some friendships and realize that it is not the quantity but the quality of friends that make a person whole.

Enough bambling and rambling.....

NO more complaining

I feel like a lout, here I am moaning and groaning over a hurt back and not being able to shave my legs....In my not really being able to clean or unpack my apartment I have taken the time to browse through other blogs. I have come across ones that have rendered me to heartache and tears. There are several people that are chroniclers of their terminally ill life. I read of a young man who justs wants to live a normal life, but is counting the days till his last breathe. I admired his inner courage and strength to continue each day as a memorial to life. Reading them made my pain feel mighty insignificant.
I was talking the other day with one of my co-workers and mentioned my father's fight with cancer. I expressed to this person of my fear of not being as strong as my father was if faced with that kind of illness and once again I am drawn inward to how weak I really am. I moan and grown about paper cuts, I abhor pain. I am a whimp. Yet I also know about myself that who the going gets tough I get tougher. I think back on all I have been though in my life and I tell myself that I have to believe that I would be able to bear any burden put upon me. Having lived through many horrendous things in my life, I feel their pain. I wanted to post a comment to some of these people, but was afraid to do so. I don't want them to feel I pity them, I understand myself about pity. I was moved by their courage, selflessness and desire to find life in even the smallest details.
I am hurting so bad, but I am not going to give into a personal pity party. I am going to go lay down for awhile and read. Maybe even reflect on some of the bloggers that I feel like I have met, yet do not even know their names. (I am becoming awfully adicted to blogging...it is a beautiful thing)

Can't shave my legs

AWWWWWW.

Even the simpliest thing of shaving my legs is impossible with my back hurt. I decided to take a shower a little while ago and wanted to shave my legs and I couldn't bend over to do so...but not to be defeated I thought...no big, I will sit on the counter and shave in the sink. I got out of the shower and grabbed my little step stool and halfway climbed on the sink. It hurt a little but I was gonna bear through it. I managed to get my shaving cream on half my right leg and with in two swipes of my razor my back was screaming. I managed to somehow get off the sink and remove the shaving cream with a wash clothe and now I am looking at a half shaved leg and wanting to scream, cry and jump up and down like a two year old....sigh

Moan, Groan and Complain

OUCH....Yesterday we had another family job. (I work for my relative, he does epoxy aggregate flooring.) My job, (I am the smallest person on the crew) is to carry and lift the 50 pound bags of rock and get them into the machine, properly mixed and ready to be put down. Most of the time that is no problem, but yesterday was crazy we realized that the guy we get the rock from gave us two different sizes of one type of rock. Therefore there was more work for me to do. In the process of all this I severely tweaked my back. But I kept pushing myself, and ended up barely being able to move. That makes me incredibly angry!!!!!!!! I hate being hurt, I hate being dependent on someone for help!!!! I may be small but I have always had to fend for myself and now that I can barely get on and off the bed is making me crazy. Right now just sitting at the computer is killing me....But I refuse to continue to lay in bed.

And more whining coming.... I hate it....I hate being alone all summer, I hate rushing home and not having someone to come home to. I hate being alone and lonely all summer. being the person I am I tell myself to just deal with it. I push my feelings aside and carry on.

Oh well enough complaining and if I don't get up from this chair and lay back down someone may have to carry me back to my bed...my back hurts SO bad....

Friday Night

Wow, I have been without a computer for a week and I felt like someone had removed my right arm. I have come to realize that being able to write out thoughts and feelings in these blogs gives me freedom and the ability to express things that would generally be left unsaid. It has also given me the opportunity to become closer to a few of the people around me. Being close to someone is something that all of us need and crave. It has been awhile since I continued on my story of my life. I will pick back up where I left off with my first broken heart.

I realized in Kindergarten that I REALLY like boys. I was not a "cooty" kind of girl. I also realized that the boys looked at me as "just a friend". I was very much a tomboy and very athletic. I think that being tough was one of my coping methods for my crazy home life. I don't remember too many details about the rest of kindergarten. I know that during the summer when school let out I got to meet a little girl who lived down the street from me. Her name was Jennifer. She was a few grades older than me and she had cool parents, a cool house, cool toys, and cool clothes. I wanted to emanate her in every possible manner. I started spending as much time at her house as I could. As Jennifer got to know me better, she began to take a "special" interest in me. She would lay her hand in sensitive spots or pretend to check a rash that she said I had. I felt guilty, but I was drawn to her. Part of it was being able to be away from my own house, I told myself I could "handle" it. I would just think about other things while she did her thing.
When school started in the fall, I was ready to go back to school. My mom was acting strange, but I didn't understand why. She wouldn't go outside, the curtains in the house were always closed, and she never got out of her house robe. First grade started fairly normal, but it also drew me away from being around Jennifer, which was very good for me. Our friendship just stopped as abruptly as it had started. Which was fine, I met a new girl new door, her family was Christian and they started taking me to church with them. During that year I did normal dumb sort of stuff that kids do, like cutting my friend's little sisters bangs and then lying about it. Yeah, I got in a ton of trouble.

Sigh

Today was a long day for me. I can stand in a crowd of people and feel lonely. I can see someone's smile and know that it is not real. I really do realize there are very few people in my life that I can say truly care about me. Sometimes I wonder why I am here, I do believe that all are here to serve a purpose, but in thirty years I have yet to find where I truly belong. I really am shy, awkward, backwards and upside down. Over the years I have learned to really put on the shining face, but the mask slips and the vulnerable me shows. I am so tired of hurting and tears and disappointment. I resent the fact that I can't be more or do more. I scream into the wind and no one hears me. Sometimes I want to run and run and run...Away from life, problems, myself...Till there is no more.

darkness surrounds
single, salty tear glides down
images swirl around
burdens unbearable
hands of time slow
sobbing uncontrollably
hallow screams echo

Craziness

Let me start by saying I am SO.....grrrahhhhh, rrroooaaaarrrr, @*%#@#%*, but enough about that. More of my life story....


During the time we lived in Bend, Or. is when I started to see some odd things in my step dad, which scared me (I had not even started Kindergarten at this point). Like one night he was drunk and my mom had to call the police on him because he was on his way to go kill my daddy. The next day my mom and I had to take a bus to the police station to go bail him out. Another time was drunk and my mom told me to sit on his chest so he couldn't move, because he was threatening my daddy again. That is when I started developing a real and deep fear of my step dad. A short time later we moved to Medford, Or. I started Kindergarten, here I remember odd things like I was an Oreo Cookie for holloween, and I remember my dress for school pictures. Then midway through the year my parents wanted to move to a new house across town and that meant that I had to change schools. I was so sad, because I loved my school and my teacher. We moved to the new house on 4th St. and I started school. I was in the morning class. There was a young boy named Tom that I "fell in love" with, he gave me a Mickey Mouse ring and said he was gonna marry me. A few weeks later he didn't come in from break and I was immeadiately very worried. I little while later the asst. principal came in and had a quiet conversation with the teacher. After a few minutes the teacher called us over to the rug to talk to us about something. With emotion in her voice she said that some boys from older grades had hurt Tom. My heart was heavy and was so sad. The next day the teacher told us that his mom pulled him out of morning and was putting him in the afternoon class. That was my first broken heart.

Sunday

OK more of my life story....So somewhere between the ages of two and three my mother became pist that I was so close to my grandma and not her, so my mother sent her away. My mother had finally found a job and was working (don't know where) and I was being babysat by this family. I just remeber small odd things...Like I was terrified of the parents bedroom, it had African art and masks and was REALLY dark. When I was being punished I was made to go stand in the corner and stare at their room, I would cry. Another haphazard memory is me eating a sandwhich and my little friend and I were goofing off. I had a glass of milk with my sandwhich, and right as I took a big swallow, the other girl did something which, at the time I must have thought was hilarious, because I laughed and ACCIDENTALLY sprayed milk everywhere, boy did I get in trouble. I had to go back to that dark scary room. During this time my mother found a boyfriend-we will call him George, he was 14 years younger than her and worked as a night guard for a trucking company. I only have one memory of when my mother first statred dating him, she picked me up from the mean babysitters house and we went to his job and eat pizza. I had to sit there and be quiet while they talked and joked. I got in trouble when I told my mom I was tired and wanted to go home.
The next thing I remember is my mom telling me we are leaving California and moving to Oregon. I was devistated, I did not want to leave my daddy. My daddy and I were SO close. My mom told me I could send the ENTIRE summer with him, at the age of four that pacified me. When we, me, my mom and George first arrived in Oregon, I remember we staying for a few days in a hotel while they looked for a house and jobs. The first place we lived in was Bend, Or. I remember we had a small house at the end of a long road. My mom worked as a security gaurd for the Bond (some sort of mall). I have no idea what George did at that time...