Friday, February 02, 2007

Hands of time

Today something happened that made me feel...I can't even describe it, happy, sad, relieved and many other feelings. All my life I have waited for my mother to grow enough to just say I am sorry, or even just admit there was more she could have done to be a better mother.

This blog is not one of sadness, even though there were tears shed, this is a blog just sharing something that I never expected to happen and the joy it brought me.I got a package in the mail today. It was from my mother. I opened it up to revel a book inside. It appeared to be a childrens book. Upon further inspection...it was "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch.

This book brings bitter - sweet memories for me. I put it aside and could not even look at it for several hours. After a few glasses of wine , I was able to pick it up and begin to read...Several years ago, I attended a mother - son sweetheart night at school on Valentines Day. My step-son Gilbert and I went. There were valentines, and pictures taken, moms and sons danced to oldies, that night was so much fun. The last event of that evening was the librarian reading this book aloud. By the end of the story as moms were starting to pull their sons closer to them, there was not a dry mommy eye in the house. That night is a wonderful memory for me.

Tonight as I sat reading, the tears were once again pricking the back of eyes as the story brought the memories of that night back....I get to the last page of the book and noticed a letter.It was a letter written from my mother....She says "How I wish I could turn time around and make everything different but I can't. I wish I could take you to the park. I wish do things and go more places together the way mothers and daughters do. When I had my chance, I was selfish and wanted everything my way. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me....Why is it people always find out the mistakes they make when they are old. I wish I could sing to you...
I'll love you forever...
I'l like you for always
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."

To my mom:

Mom, I forgave you many years ago. I can't tell you how many years I have waited to hear you say these very words to me. All the years with the heartache and abuse, I just wanted to hear these words. Yes, I forgive you... Time can not change the past, but there is always the present to get to know each other again. I love you forever.

18 comments:

Halo7528 said...

WOW! I am so glad....I am in shock myself and I am just your nearest and dearest friend....Oh hun I am so happy for you.... I know how much this means to you.

bardouble29 said...

Halo- thanks...this was a really great and strange feeling moment.

Halo7528 said...

I bet....you have been waiting for so long for this, that it is probably still a bit surreal. Thankfully she has done it now rather than later or never.

susan said...

Oh..wow...I don't even know what to say. I've seen just a hint of the sorrow and pain you have felt. I'm so glad that you mom has realized what a treasure she has. And what a wonderful way to bridge the gap and tell you.

I am very happy for you

Craig D said...

I came here to thank you for the birthday greetings, but, golly, you sure know how tug on the ol' heart-strings.

Wizened Wizard said...

What a wonderful story.

Motherhood doesn't come easy for many women, nor is the timing necessarily right. Then of course there are women who just shouldn't be mothers at all. Period.

May the way forward rebuild what was and grow the two of you into a comfortable and loving relationship. I wish you all the best. Your feelings and your mother's shy expression of love and regret are a wonderful beginning.

Chalice said...

I cried after reading this. There are so many similarities to my life in this post. I am so happy for you. Now you can officially put closure on every thing and move forward knowing you will never have to look back ever again.

I can only imagine it was not easy for her to do so this was a huge step. A HUGE STEP!

Thanks for sharing this with us...

bardouble29 said...

Susan - Thank you and I am looking forward to seeing what the future brings for us.

Craig- Well I do hope you had a terrific birthday!

Wizened- It was a wonderful way to see my mother try to tell me how she feels.

Chalice- Writing that was probably one of the hardest things she has done in a long time. The fact she did it was wonderful.

captain corky said...

I'm so happy for you! I'm glad that you're going to embrace the time you have left and build a relationship with your mom. Many people never realize how important it is until it's to late.

TutleyMutley said...

Ohmy. This is such a heartwarming post. Thanks,

said with just a teensy bit of envy because I've tried so hard to get my relationship with my mother to a similar place. And it just hasn't and doesn't happen.

I'm so glad for you both.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Coming over from Baron--I can relate to this post very well. My parents are deceased, but after a lot of adolescent turmoil, my mother and I had a good relationship, albeit frought with fighting as I was so damn different from her. My father was the real jerk and never apologized; for the longest time I waited for that, but after she died very suddenly, I just didn't care and called him. Parents can make or break us; I believe that it is essential for our own mental health that we find closure and peace, even it is based on selfish reasons. One thing I have learned about the dead is that they really don't die; they still are there when you least want them and it's better that you feel okay about them. Sorry for the creepy effect on my first comment here, but I'm a wierdo.

Em said...

Barb, this is such a wonderful thing for you. After all that waiting, you have such a great healing moment. I'm very happy for you.

Jay said...

It's great that she did that and is coming to terms with the things that have happened to you. And your ability to forgive her is a wonderful thing too!

Maybe you guys can forge a new and better relationship now and can really move forward together.

Echo said...

I am so happy for you, Barb! I hope that this brings you and your mom even closer and helps to mend your relationship too.

Kati said...

Wow!!!! Right off, that's an incredible book. But what an incredible not from your mom. I hope the both of you can find a way to build a relationship NOW. And you've got me tearing up, too. Esp. after having a very hard day with a DD that seems to not care about anything, even her Dad & I.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Very sweet. You have a great attitude! I hope you and your mother grow closer.

Baron Ectar said...

Once again your post touched my heart. I admire your mother so much for being able to set her pride aside and say this to you and I admire you even more for forgiving her and allowing that bridge to be built between you. You are one hell of a woman!

Jenna said...

OMG! I got all teared up when I read this- I read that book to my kids all the time- it was one of the first books I ever bought for them.. my heart is with you- what a wonderful "start over " story.....