Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Wasn't gonna post

geez....I know MANY of you out in blogland are not watchers of American Idol...

BUT I am a watcher....WAIT!!!! don't tune out yet, this blog is not about American Idol, but a man that was on the show about 5 minutes ago. He touched my heart.

This gentleman was in his mid 50's. The age limit for the show is 28.

His story was that his life long love of twenty years wanted him to be able to go on the show, they were collecting signatures to petition so he could be on the show, and during this time she was found to have cancer.

One of the things that uplifted her daily while she was sick, was when he came in with more signatures.

Two days before the audition she passed away, he went to the A.I. audition as a way to do something she would have wanted him to do. He did it for her and he then sang a song for her...

Of course Paula cried (that is a given)

That part that touched me was after he walked out...he stated - he was a winner!

I loved the attitude! To me he was the best one of the entire show.

Am I corny? YES and I love corny, mushy stuff like that.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The "Weird Meme" all About Me!

Yesterday I was tagged twice to do the Weird things about me, meme. (Someone must think I am pretty weird) lol.

Soooo, lets see, I did some thinking and some more thinking and I think I have come up with a decent list of weird things about me.

1. When I talk, I talk with my hands. I can, at time become very animated. People always tease me that if my hands were tied I would not be able to talk. But I can talk even if my hands are still at my sides....

2. I talk to myself, and I answer myself back. I can have a full one person conversation! I also blast music and sing at the top of my lungs when driving in my car. (Something I would never force another human to listen to.)

3. I have my own "Barb" dictionary...I make up words as I go. I also use words like thingamajig, thingybobber, and dohickey to decribe things, when a normal vocabulary word won't work.

4. I seem to have a pension for remembering weird facts and small details of strange and unimportant events.

5. I have post it notes every where. If I don't write something down I am very liable to not remember it.

6. I love playing cards, I play almost any game there is, for Christmas one year I got a cd with 101 different card games on it and I have played almost all of them.

So there are some weird facts about me....Now its my turn to tag some people...I tag Chucky, Echo, Kati and Baron Ectar.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Updates and other Stuff

Several days back I blogged about a friend and his new "chickie". The new girlfriend was strange and I wondered how and if I should tell him. Many of you left me great comments about ways to tell him the chick was weird, or if I should say nothing at all.

At the time I decided to wait and see if there was a smooth way to broach the subject with him. I didn't have to.....

When I walked into work today, I could immediately see that something was bothering him. I told him to "spill it" and he told me to log onto yahoo personals (his account, I don't have one). He then told me that yesterday evening he had logged on to suspend his own account (because he wanted to be with her) and noticed that she had updated hers. He looked at it and saw she had just updated it that afternoon, she was still looking..... Needless to say he was flaming angry and called me just awhile ago to say he ended it with her. ( The sad part is that she was talking about giving him a key to her don't say that to someone and then update your personals page).

This is part of the reason, I don't date guys I meet in bars...I don't date guys out of personals (yes Halo the guys I did date of the personals was back when I was 18...) So where are all the good ones????? Maybe all the good ones blog, or live in other states besides California....LOL

On to other subjects....

There is a lady that I work with that I feel sorry for. She brings so much drama into her life and she makes me exhausted just hearing about it.

For instance....all last week we heard about this really hot date she had on Sunday...she was on cloud nine. On Friday she came into the office to pick up her pay check and was down in the dumps. I asked why, and she told me that some person she knew put an "ugly" picture of her on myspace and she "just knew" the guy say the picture and would not want to go on a date with her. In my head I thought "What the f***". Out loud I said "oh I am sure he didn't see the picture and if he judges you on a silly picture, he isn't much of a guy." But she continued on...she was going to die a old spinster.....she was so fat, ugly, her skin was ......blah, blah blah....

All of us girls have days when we feel ucky, fat, ugly etc....But most of us only share that quietly with our close friends, not in an office setting where many people can hear you.

People need to understand an office is not the place to air your dirty laundry, sob stories and other dramas....

Saturday, January 27, 2007

The opposite sex

Does anyone else ever have days where they are not comfortable in their own skin?

Most days I am happy, satisfied and did I mention happy? Most days I don't feel the need/desire to have to have someone in my life.

Then there are days like today when I really want to have someone in my life.

Today, I feel lonely....

I miss physical contact, conversation and closeness that is shared with someone special.

One of the things I miss the most about being married is how comfortable you feel with the other person.

My cat only converses so much with me, then walks away to go sun himself.

There is something about sharing yourself with someone that really brings fullfilment and satisfaction that goes beyong the actual physical sense (not that physical is bad by all means), and right now I just miss all of it.

Geez, I sound corny! or desperate....and totally lonely!!!!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

"My Word"

When I say I give "my word" on something, it should be considered as good as a contract.

Am I a little to old school, old fashioned that a persons word and a handshake are a major thing of the past and should no longer be honored?

Let me tell you the story that prompts this blog.

Several months ago, while at the same job I am at, I received a call on my personal cell phone from a former work acquaintance (previous job). He (we will call him "Antonio") asked me about the place I worked and said he was interested in having the service done in his own personal home.

At that point I set "Antonio" up with a free (notice it is a free) consultation appointment with one of our desingers. (This signifies no obligation, contract....FREE!!!!) "Antonio could have said never mind at anytime. I set him up with our best designer, one who would do a great job, and give him a great design.

(During this time I moved away from California to Kansas and had no intention of moving back.)

Several months later due to particular circumstances, I ended up back in Ca.

Back to the same job I had before.

The designer I had assigned to "Antonio" before I left called me and stated that "Antonio" was being a "pain the the _ _ _" (fill in the blank). The designer asked me to call "Antonio" and find out if he wanted our services or not. Not that our designer didn't want to do his job, but he was tired of messing with the guy. I called and left a message saying "if you want our services, you need to call _____ at this number and let him know.....Thank you"

A few days later the designer called me and booked an installation date for "Antonio". A week later, the designer called me and said he could not get ahold of "Antonio" for the deposite and to confirm designs. I left another message saying "let me know what is really going on, because we are going to cancel your installation and move on if we don't hear from you" about an hour later I got a call from "Antonio" saying he wanted the install, but could he pay the full amount at the time of the install versus two seperate payments, I stated that was not my decision, but the decision of the designer. "Antonio" stated "Barb, you know I am good for the money, I you my word... "

Needless to say based on this mans word, we went out and did the installation.

When he sent in the full payment, I breathed a sigh of relief and went about forgetting he even existed. About a week later, one of the accountants asked me if I was a friend of the guy... I asked why???

Dumb question......his entire $6000 check bounced.....

So there for my question, am I too old school? I am one that believes that a persons word and a handshake should be as good as a contract.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


I am one who loves to correspond with people. I love getting and writing emails, being a pen pal...etc.

BUT, let me tell you a HUGE, GIGANTIC pet peeve that I have. I hate getting chain letter emails....

I will not fall in love tomorrow at 7 pm. if I don't pass this on to 15 people.

I will not become rich and famous in 24 hours if I don't pass it on with in 10 minutes.

I will not have every prayer answered in my life if I don't forward to 7 people in 7 minutes.

I will not get a free coupon for dinner, Macy's or Old Navy if I forward then press a certain button...

I will not sudden become ugly and become consumed with warts if it is not passed on to 39 people in the next two minutes!!!!

GOOD GOD!!! I don't even read these emails any more....STOP sending me them.

Now I love getting funny pictures, stories and cute - silly stuff. But what I really love is someone taking the time to just pen a small note asking how I am, what is new in my life or to tell me some real story in their life. To me it is just taking some time to care about the person you are emailing....

Monday, January 22, 2007

Long Monday

Had a great weekend.....drank some wine, spent time with some great my friends new psychotic girlfriend...did house cleaning and even spent some money on myself (for those who know me, I hate shopping and hate spending money on myself).

Today was a day of absolute hell!!!! The day started for me very early, and I got to work early. I was met with a large pile of faxes. Most of them were for me. I set about getting them organized and coordinated by designer. ( I work for a company called California Closets....They are a world wide company...they are in Kansas, England, New York etc. We install organizational types of cabinets and partitions in just about any room for storage. Each of our many designers is designated a different colored file folder to help keep them organized.)

Our designers have a bad habit of faxing me all of their designs over the weekend, it is not uncommon for me to walk in on a Monday and find 10 - 15 files on the fax machine.

After organizing them, they must be detailed, I do the first portion of detailing....figuring out if there are special orders or customized areas of installation. Highlighting specific upgrades and making a full accounting copy of the file. The file must then be entered into our software system. Each file takes time to detail, in between I am taking phone calls, (due to our downsizing, when I first started this position, I rarely had to answer the phone. )

In addition to my normal stuff, I played IT person today, of all the people in my company I am the most computer literate. (Chucky, no laughing at me...yes, I ask for computer help from him all the time...) Four of our computers were not reading the LAN line and were also not able print, three of the computers that were down were in our accounting department and that was not a good thing. So I was on the phone with a tech and also trying to get our new employees email working at the same time....

During this time, our secretary went to get things for a company meeting tomorrow, which left me being solely responsible for phones....and my boss started asking me for all my Monday report updates....

I truly felt like being a two year old and jumping up and down in a tizzy....I understand the concept of downsizing....but good grief, what is the deal with putting all the stress on a few employees.....

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Dating Sucks....big, nasty....I'll leave it at that...

Grrrr, as most of you know from my blogs, I am a divorcee.....

Getting back out there sucks...after spending over 10 years with someone, you know their thoughts, responses, actions and reactions....they way they think, move and who they are.

My ex was my best friend and hubby so I knew all there was to know.....literally, even things that I could have gone without knowing...literally!!!!!! ( I know I said it the english police can arrest me)

So, at first I was excited to be back on the dating scene....then I quickly got over it....I hate going through the same motions and conversations....I wish I could just have a card that lists all there is to know about me and hand it to a prospective person, we could trade cards, if there is some things in common great...if not move on to the next person and not waste time....

I have noticed there specific types of people out there to date....

1. There are the people that you meet that end up being the stalker/killer meet them and they fall in love with you at first glance. They all of a sudden appear everywhere you are and "just so happen" to notice you across the room....SCARY!!!

2. There are the hopeless romantics (I am one myself, but I at least make sure the other person is ok with it before I go for it). You have gone on one date and the next day you find an envelope on your it you find a letter with rose petals and a poem about finding true love....(this is a true experience that I had, I was totally creeped out.)

3. There is the cute guy that is super, super shy and he won't even look at you the entire find out that there are some super weird, eclectic things about him, you are very intrigued....but the entire date consists of him staring at his plate of food. (again a true experience for me)

4. There is the guy that is a little too over confident...he boasts about how he is, who he is, who he knows, and what he can do for me.....ummmmm let me get out of the way for your ego to fit in the booth as we eat dinner...(again a true story) A guy told me that he was glad I was "plain" so that he could look good....uhhhh, excuse the hell out of me for being me!!! NEXT!

5. Then there is the over sexed guy, he stares at your chest the entire date, by - the - way, I have a face and eyes...yes, this model of woman comes with them....he begins all conversations with enuendos and all means, I am my own person when it comes to that subject, but not on the first date......YUCK!

Dating is hard...and the strange people out there make it harder...

I am not one to be overly picky. I enjoy people of all races, views of life and outlooks, personalities....etc. But give me a break, are there any more normal humans out there ????

And Halo you are not allowed to make reference to the time that I dated out of dating ads, yes (bows my head in shame) I have done that....It was a very different experience.....

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Oh Really!!!!

I have this friend, love them to absolute death. I worry about their ability to choose a woman.

I have known this person for quite a few years. When I met him, he had just asked his girlfriend to be his fiance. On a daily basis (I worked with this friend) I heard about the ups, downs, really low downs and everyday crisis they went through. At the time I would just smile and sympathize. As time went on, we became better friends, I began asking why he was willing to put up with this and would he be happy forever.

Sad to say, a few months later she began telling him that she didn't know how she felt etc. Shortly there after she gave him the "I think we should start seeing other people". For the next six months I watched her her yo-yo him back and forth. As a friend all I could do was just be there, and listen and hope that he would listen to me a little. I wanted to slap her upside her head and ask her why she was playing games with this great guy.

Finally the situation between them was over and I began watching him go on a whirlwind of crazy, insane dating. Every week there were new "chickies". I had code words for keeping them all straight. Most of them were ok, nothing special. There were a few that he really liked, but they all had their hangups. I just kept encouraging him to slow down and breathe!!!!

Well not too long ago he met this "chickie" (my friends term, not mine) and he was all about her! She was great and fab and the list went on and on...(During this time I lived in another state) I heard about her over the phone. One day I got a call about her being a crazy lunatic. He then began telling he how over night she turned psycho on him....Yes chucky the one you danced with.

I just very recently moved back and got to see this friend again. He told me of this new lady he had met. He stated this one is the "one". He has been ecstatically happy, which is a wonderful change to see. I have heard so many positive, wonderful things about this one. She has a job, she is responsible, she likes the same things he does...etc. So I was really looking forward to meeting this one.

Last night, several people from work, partly to welcome me back and partly just because it was a long week, decided to go have a few drinks.

In walks my buddy and his new lady and introductions were made all around. I started making small talk with her as the guys all talked shop (boring work talk) and i was blown away by this lady! She is self centered, strange, self-centered, odd, self-centered (see a trend forming here???) I was super polite, I laughed at the attempted humor she put forth and gagged as she kissy, kissied my bud (not in jealousy, but my friend is not a kissy-kissy guy) then she kept disagreeing with everything he said and she kept correcting him in front of all of us. After a bit she grabbed my hand and stated rubbing my palm, she then began telling me about my future and some other weird shit. OHHHH and she told me that I was meant to have a tatoo, and that she would go with me to get it.....WHAT THE HELL???? I have always wanted one, but I can decide on my own if I will get one or not...thank you VERY much. Thank God one of my other co-workers saw how uncomfortable I was and intervened!!!

I was (trying) to relax and enjoy myself. I ended up yawning a bit and she leaned over and told me that she could feel my chi and had something for me to take that would make me sleep tonight and feel great. She reached in her purse and gave me a little blue pill. (I don't even like taking aspirin) I was really freaking out by this time. I smile very politely, threw it in my wallet and asked what it was, she said it was a prescription that she was given for when she was stressed out.

I was done with this scene and wanted to leave. My coworker walked me to my car, and as soon as I started the engine, my phone rang and the boss asked my opinion of the new chick and I hesitated....he blurted out that she was a freak and we both started laughing. As soon as I got home, I put the little blue pill in the garbage disposal.

My dilemma is, this chick is very strange, and I am worried about my friend. He is already talking about moving in with her. Do I warn him and risk hurting our friendship? Or do I smile and politely decline when asked to join them for outings? GAAAAA why does love put blinders on everyone?????

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Just thinking Out Loud

I have some very mixed emotions tonight...

At the age of 18 I became an instant mommy when the man I started dating and married had two beautiful children. I spent 11 years of my life, raising them and teaching them and enjoying watching them grow and become beautiful young people.

When I decided to get a divorce the most difficult part of that decision was about being able to leave the kids. I actually stayed in the marriage much longer than I probably would have, had it not been for them.

When the divorce was in its beginning stages, of course there was the usual bitterness and nastiness, but the part that tore my heart out was losing contact with the kids. My ex decided that I shouldn't be apart of their lives any longer and I unfortunately lost contact with them.

It has been several years since the divorce and my ex and I are trying to be friend again and talking about bringing the kids back into my life.

But what breaks my heart is several months ago, my ex had to break the news to me that our little girl was pregnant. We both cried and both felt like failures. I think about her all the time and I remember all the talks we had about waiting and protection. In March she turns 17, she is so young. I have yet to see her since I found out she was pregnant, but she has a myspace site. I go there occasionally to see her new pictures and to just feel like I am close to her again.

Tonight my tour of her site broke my heart. I have known for months that she was pregnant, but on her page tonight all her friends were congratulating her on having a girl. It became real, it became tangible. My baby is having a baby, and there is not a damn thing I can do.

Its funny, I always pictured in my mind the scene that would play after she was married and came over to announce her and her hubbies future addition.

I remember one day, (I forget the parameters of why we were having the conversation in the first place) she and I were talking about weddings and flower girls, etc. I used this as an opportunity to talk to her about waiting till she was married to have a baby. She got very quiet and looked troubled. I asked her what she was thinking about. Her answer made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. She asked who was supposed to be her flower girl if she waited till she was married to have a baby. She thought ladies had babies to have flower girls for their weddings. She was her mommies flower girl (remember I was the step-mom) and all her little friends and some relatives were flower girls for their mommies weddings.

I have often wondered....what if? But I can't change the past or undo whats done. All I can to is love and support her and her dad. Be there if they need me. (and kill the boyfriend) just joking...

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

My Good Side

As requested by the Wizened Wizard...I shall write of the good I have done in my life. She reminded me that I am human. Of that I am well aware. I just really hate hurting people. I am a big softy.

One of the things about me is, I hate seeing my friends hurting...I will say something stupid, act silly/dorky to get a smile. I would do anything for the people I love and care for.

I can't quote a specific time or instance that I have some a huge, significant difference. There are just small things I have done to make small dents in society.

In my early youth, I took medicine, clothing, and food on a mission trip to Mexico. I give to the poor and needy.

I have taken in stray animals and children, having been a "stray" myself at the age of 14, I have a special place in my heart for them.

People have come and gone in my life, from each person, I have learned something about myself or about life. If you truly listen to a person there is so much to be gained.

I continue to strive to learn and grow.

Yesterdays blog, was more about clearing my mind, heart and conscious, to move on, than about me being an truly evil person. It just breaks my heart to know that I, have caused some truly deep hurt to some people that I would have never hurt if I could have helped it.

A lesson to me in this is to learn from my past mistakes and not continue to do the same things to the people that I love most.

Thanks to all, who reminded me I am human and therefore it's acceptable to make mistakes. make mistakes.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Starting Over

Saturday evening I did some thinking. In this thinking I realize I am disgusted with myself. I pretend to be so fucking self righteous, so assured of myself and so damn confident...yet the truth is I am a horrible, hateful, disgusting person. I have hurt so many people in my life. I have great intention are honest and true. But when it comes down to it, the only thing I seem to be able to is hurt others. If my closest friends truly knew me and my thoughts, they would probably never speak to me again.

I have hurt so many people, I no longer want to hurt the people I love, break the trust and love. I want to make things right.

I have hurt so many people, if I could I would go to each one and reveal my heart and apologize, but I know this is not possible and most would not accept my apology. I have tried to contact some of the people I have hurt and they refuse to even listen.

For instance, the first person I ever loved, "T" I hurt you and didn't even realize it until years later. I was so blinded my my own selfish heartache when you broke up with me, that I couldn't see beyond to the tragedy occuring in your life. I was so caught up in being right and knowing right that I was not even listening to you. There are times I wish that, that night I had just shut my mouth and really listened. I was 17 and did not underatand communication and give and take.

To "J" I wish I could take back the things I said and the way I treated you and your mother, you were my family when I had none and once again in my selfishness I hurt you. I have tried so many times to contact you. You were so naive, and I so knew better, but I allowed myself to be the rotten, horrible person that I was.

To "A" I spent 11 years of my life with you, Sheesha and Gerby. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. Where things went wrong, I don't even know. When we married, I married you for life, forever... but life, emotions, hurt and miscommunication came between us. To this day we are still talking and I am grateful that we have managed to remain - friends. There are times I miss you more than I can explain, and there are times I hate you so deeply it makes me sick. I just wish I could have figured out a way to make the hurt go away. Ican't even adequately explain the way I feel. Some of me still loves you deeply and probably always will. I just often think...what if.

To "you" ( I don't even want to say your name) I can only imagine the hurt I have caused you. I am so sorry, there is nothing I can say except I am so sorry! I ripped your heart out, stomped it and ran like a crazy person. I wish things had been different, wish I could have changed the way things happened. I turned your life upside down, spoke about great intentions, and in the end I was a coward....

"A" you are the one I worry about the most. You are almost childishly naive. I feel like the most horrible person. I have so little patience with you, I want you to just understand when I tell you something, but you don't. You search my face for answers that I don't know how to give you. I would give my life, not to hurt you, but don't know how not too.

"L" you were in my life many, many years ago...That night sitting talking, you shared your heart with me...I hurt you. Twelve years have come and gone...You are back in my life. I have let so many people down, I have hurt so many people. I have a tendancy to stike out before people can strike out at me. You are one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. You deserve happiness and fulfillment. I have a black heart, I hurt people...You need someone in your life that won't hurt you, won't let you down.

I want to make things right with the people I have hurt...I want to start over. I sincerely apologize to the people I have hurt.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Excuses, Excuses

I think today I will kill, maim or hurt someone, just because someone did ________ (fill in the blank) to me.

I am so tired of hearing this crap. Whenever media/news asks someone why they chose to do the deed they did. The guilty person always comes back with some excuse of his parents or someone doing some horrible thing to them.

In March I will be 31. In my life I have endured abuse, homelessness, poverty, ridicule, hatred, and the list goes on... I say this not as an "Oh poor me" but as an example. I do not blame others, I do not chose to hurt people (notice I say chose, because I believe it is a choice). I live my life to the fullest.

I rarely watch talk shows, part of that reason is that every person who parades across the stage wants to blame and point fingers, at everyone but themselves. But I have a perfect example of placing blame on someone else for something and using it as an excuse....

Several years ago, my roommate hollers at me to come see whats on TV. On TV was a talk show (no I don't remember which one) and on the screen was a young man. If I remember correctly he was about 23 yrs old. He was being charged with murder and when asked why? Why he did the horrible things, he calmly responded that he was murdering young boys who had never been circumcised, because his parents had circumcised him as a child. He continued on saying that he had psychological damage due to it and he should have been given a choice in the matter. I was absolutely flabbergasted!!!!! I could not believe what this young man was saying. He was killing people because of a decision his parents made when he was a week old!!!! Give me a bloody break!!!!!

Again and again I have heard stories similar to this one. I enjoy psychology and have read stories about people and the reactions they have to life after enduring abuse etc. To me there is a difference of people who have endured real pain and perceived pain.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Bloody Irritated!

GRRRRR! It really REALLY pisses me off when a group of people make a plan and then when every one is supposd to meet they all say for one excuse or another they can't make it.

As I mention in another blog tonight after work, a group of us were going to get together and go have some drinks. I was looking forward to this, unwind, kick back, laugh....relax.

At work today it was the only thing everyone was talking about. Even at 5 this evening as everyone was taking off, everyone was saying "see you there" and joking about who was going to by who a drink. At the designated time, I called the two people I was supposed to call and they both backed at for various excuses, so I proceeded to call the rest of the people who wanted to go, and they all had excuses too. Only one other person was ready like I was, but we decided to stay home too....

I am just irked, because when I tell someone I am going to do something, or be somewhere....I AM!!! Usually I move heaven and hell to make sure I keep my word....but apparently that is not the popular trend any longer.... This just makes me grouchy, if you have no intention of going, just say no from the beginning!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Feeling Better

Missed my neighborhood community yesterday. I had to have a small surgical proceedure done yesterday and was feeling really shitty....I wanted to have a stroll through my blogs, but my body won in the battle with my mind and I went to bed very early.

Feel better today, its tomorrow after work some of my friends and I are going for a drink and I am looking forward to unwinding.

Not really looking forward to this weekend, it is supposed to be bitterly cold. I hate cold weather. I am a tiny person and I feel like once I get cold, I have one hell of a time trying to warm up.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Got Nothing

Tonight as I stroll up and down our "neighborhood", I am exhausted. Another long day at work. I love the over time, but I am not getting things done at home tht I want to. By the time I arrive at home I have nothing left. I manage to eat and clean up, and relax for about an hour or so, before sleeping so I can start the entire process over.

I have always had a belief that " I work so I can live, I do not live to work". I have always tried to live by that, obviously balancing work and pleasure. When at work I enjoy working hard and having the sense of accomplishment, but I also enjoy my time, to do the things I enjoy. I do enjoy playing hard too. I think that personal time and hobbies are restorative to the soul.

To me the statment "all work and no play" is true indeed. There have even been studies done, about the affects constant work has on a persons body and mentality. This Friday a few of us at work are planning on meeting after work for a few drinks and conversation, I am looking forward to unwinding and being among good company.

Monday, January 08, 2007


I have always had a love of folklore, fables and mystical creatures. When I was a small girl I collected unicorns. I loved them and thought they were beautiful, regal creatures. I had a great collection going. I had a few beautiful figurines that depicted proud regal unicorns with wind tousled manes and tales. I had a large cutsie stuffed animal and a few various sized unicorns of animated type.

Not to make my mom out to be a bad guy or a mean person, but one day she got this notion that unicorns were evil and that I had to "purge" our home of them (had to do with her view of church and Christ...etc) ....I was crushed and devastated. She wanted me to throw them away, but instead I gathered my precious collection and gave them to a good friend. I figured that if I couldn't have them, at least I could see them when I went over to play.

When I was older I did a bit of research on unicorns and found that they are fabled to be healers...their horns are said to cure poisons and sickness. They are known to be proud and regal creatures of good.

Saying this I want to expand on something that one of my neighbor bloggers wrote about..."Christians"....

They have a way of destroying people and things. Growing up I remember MANY times the church decided to boycott a product, company or group.

One I remember is Proctor & Gamble. I remember a Sunday when the pastor stood in front of our church and preached about the evil that they were promoting through their symbol. For those of us over a certain age you will remember that on the packaging of Proctor & Gamble they used to have a symbol of a moon and stars that was always seen next to their name. Some how the "church" became convinced that they were promoting Satan worship and did a nation wide ban on anything of their product. This severally hurt them...eventually they removed the symbolism. I have done research to find out what it had originally stood for, but have been unable to do so. I just know that the church hurt a company that meant no harm.

Next I remember a similar sermon on the Smurfs...this affected me personally...I watched them every Saturday morning. Once again the "church" took a stand against the network showing the cartoon, because there was a wise "wizard" that was a part of the smurf clan. He was always mixing potions and mostly blowing stuff up....but once again the church deemed it part of devil worship.

We can go all the way back to the time when Christians sent thousands of innocent women to their death, by calling them witches.

I can site time after time that the church has gone after groups, companies and logos that appear to have an "evil" sense. I find this ludicrous and....and ....I am at loss for an appropriate word.

Some of my worst experiences in life have come at the hands of the church, ridicule and rejection. I have a deep faith that is all my own. I do not need a church to have my beliefs, I do not need a preacher to teach me to be a good person. I do not need a group of people who call themselves Christians to gossip and tear others apart in the name of God.

In my early twenties I was pretty disillusioned about the church and working as a waitress. Every Sunday afternoon large groups of church people would come in to eat. They would be in their Sunday best. I can tell you that none of our waitress' wanted to wait on these people. These people were SO rude! They sat their and gossiped worse than a group of 7th grade girls. They never left good tips and complained about EVERYTHING. One day they brought in someone I had not seen before and it was my turn to wait on the table. This time I saw a difference in the people and they way they were acting. I finally realized the man I had not seen before was the pastor. They fake people were talking about God and the sermon, praising the other members of the church and hallelujahs for God. Towards the end of the meal the pastor was talking to me, and asked me some questions about myself. I answered him sincerely, he sensed my irritation with his group and asked me about it. I turned and said out loud for the entire group to hear exactly how I felt. I told him about the horrendous gossip, their ungrateful rudeness, lack of tips and overall horrible behavior. I ended it by telling him that I too was a believer, but if that's the way Christians were supposed to act, I wanted no part to do with being one...Silence rained over the rest of the meal. I was left a very nice tip, and the next week received a note from the pastor apologizing for his congregations behavior.... and lo and behold those people no longer came in for Sunday brunch....THANK

I get angry at the way "Christians" act. The Jesus I read about was a humble, gentle, unassuming man. Or as Dirk refers a hippie. He loved people and helped them. He ate with sinners and fellow shipped with all the people that Christians shun. I could go on and on, but the subject boils my blood.... I hope my thoughts make sense, and if I have offended any...get over it, its my blog and my thoughts.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Awww Sunday Morning

I love starting Sundays off with sleeping in a little, great coffee and a stroll through my blog neighborhood (thanks Dirk). I am very new to the community and I have found that I really, really enjoy the people I have added to my blog roll. Each person is very different, unique, quirky and fantastic. When reading I laugh, ponder and think. I have come to care and think of you as my own friends and family.

As I was going down my street (blog roll) this morning, I read one of the blogs that always inspires me. Mr. and Mrs. Sign have both gone through a truly life changing exprerience and I hope Signgurl doesn't mind if this morning my blog is from reading hers.... it makes me think of my mother and how much I worry about her. I have thought of this surgery for my mother, but don't even know where to start to get her information.

My mother is very heavy (in honesty terms she is morbidly obese). Over the years she has twisted ankles, hurt her legs, hips, thighs etc. In the past she has been restricted to wheelchairs and limited mobility.

When I became an adult I have begged and pleaded for her to get help and see a Dr. She always told me she is fine the way she is and that if God wanted her to loose weight he would help. (See "The Phone Call" blog for explaination to the reference of God). She now has diabetes. She still has done nothing to control her weight.

When I was young my mother used to take some of her weight/food anger out on me. I was a very small child. I love food and love to eat. My mother would give me enourmous helpings at dinner and force me to eat all of it. Example - Dinner would be a whole pork chop, a full baked potatoe and a large helping of vegetables. That is perfect for an adult, but too much for a child. I usually managed to eat the pork chop and most of the veggies and about half the potatoe. I would be stuffed, and my mother would not allow me to get up from the table until it was gone...or if I swore I was full, she would put it in the refer and give it to me for breakfast. There were times I would give bites to the dog, wrap potatoe in napkin, or spread the food around the plate in hopes of not having to eat it all. I always got caught and man I would be in so much trouble.

Fast forward a few years...I was still very small and very active in sports etc. I remember going to bed one night and a little while later my mom woke me up and told me she wanted me to watch something on TV. At first I told her I didn't want to, I was tired. She made me get up, then I thought "cool I am a big girl" I get to watch TV. Until I figured out what she was making me watch. It was some type of investigative report/story on young girls with eating disorders. Back then eating disorders were fairly new to the medical community and that night was the first I had ever heard of it.

I watched this show in horror that there were girls who did this to themselves. I was naive and had a lot of questions that my parents couldn't answer. My mother was convinced that I had an eating disorder. I looked at her in absolute amazement. The very thought of making myself hurl was nasty. Plain and simple I take after my father, he also was a very small person...his entire family is. My mother on the other hand comes from a family that is all of the same heavier body type. To this day my mother blames me for being thinner than her. I am not super thin, I am just comfortable in my body.

All of this to say...a few years ago I wrote my mom a letter asking her to please, see a Dr. or do to something. She has no insurance, very little money and refuses to get state help (medical etc) . Is there anyone in our neighborhood that has a thought or an idea of what I could do or help that I can get for my mother. I really want to help her but feel my hands are tied. I would love any thoughts or ideas. She lives in Oregon, and I am in Ca. so there is also a distance issue of me being able to help.

Friday, January 05, 2007

ODE to the weekend

I have so many things I want to blog about, but right now I feel a brain melt down... It was a LONG 4 day work week (felt like a 6 day work week). Today I started at 7:30 (no lunch, ate while I worked) and finally told my boss " I HAVE TO GO, NOW!" at 5:45. I even brought work home with me (yes, I am a glutton for punishment, that I believe gets mistaken for But at least I can be curled up in jammies and slippers instead of at a desk.

So I am sitting here relaxing, catching up on blogs and enjoying a glass of wine, just letting my mind unwind from the week.

On second thought, there is something plaguing my mind.

There is a young lady that I work with that my heart goes out to, yet at the same time want to shake her to make her realize the way she acts. She is young, I believe in her very early twenties, and has two children. She considers herself "ghetto" and speaks, dresses and acts in a manner that exemplifies a "ghetto" person. She also considers herself a "freak" when it comes to how she related to the opposite sex. She is always finding herself in horrible situations, that cause her to cry and blame life for being rough. I have tried to explain that perhaps she is bringing some of these situations into her by how she acts and reacts to events in her life.

When it comes to her work ethic, MOST of the time (notice I said most) she is a very hard worker and cares about her job. Occasionally her "ghetto" and youth overtake her sensibility and she does very juvenile things...example: today she decided to get on a table and dance for the guys in the shop. I had to let her know the behavior was totally unacceptable. Of course the guys loved it and egged her on, and I was the old meanie that was keeping her from having fun. (The manager was in another store today).

My biggest concern lies in that the manager wants to make her the "Office Manager" by title due to our downsizing. She is taking the title to heart, and talking about "how things are gonna be" when she takes over. It is all I can do to stop from rolling my eyes. The manager is my boss and a personal friend, so the other night we met and talked. I expressed my concerns and asked him his reasoning behind the decision. He stated that he feels if he gives her responsibility she will rise to the occasion. He wants to give her a chance. I understand completely and have myself used that concept when I was a manager.

But in this case I have enormous red flags. I work very closely with her and see how she acts when he is gone. Without wanting to make it seem like I was being a snitch, I casually brought a few small incidents of concern. He laughed, and said she was just being silly. So rather than push, I agreed to make her a project and help to mold her into possible management material. I truly hope his thought will work out, otherwise we are all in for a turbulent ride...

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Breathe Deeply

It rained today...not only did it make it warm up a bit, but after very cold, foggy weather, it was nice to smell the clean air. I loved it.

I love Thursdays, it is the day before Friday...which means the weekend is around the corner and I get to relax. I really enjoy my down time away from work. Don't get me wrong, I love to work, but I love to have my own personal time too.

January has started off great, just it seems like the year is already going so fast. I am already making appointments (for work) for mid and end of January. It just feel weird to already be filling up these days....

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The Letter

For the last 10 years I have been searching for the man that was my step-father growing up. He came into my life when I was about 3 and left my life when I was about 14. I have googled him and white paged him. I even searched for him on myspace and gaming sites etc. So since I have not been able to find him to tell him what I want to in person, I have decided to write him a letter. I have always wanted to tell him that he was so wrong about me growing up.

Dear Robert,

Please allow me to reintroduce myself to you. I was your step daughter. You came into my life about the age of three and my mother told me you were my new daddy. I accepted you in my life without a whimper. I have a few fuzzy memories of you in my very young years. Where my memories of you start to come into sharp focus is when we moved to Bend, Oregon. I was approx 4 years old. My earliest memories include you being drunk, threatening my real father, you punching walls and yelling at me and my mother.

Through the years I yearned for your attention, acceptance, and love. I would have done almost anything for you. I was constantly trying to please you. I made you little art projects in school, I gave you childlike affection of hugs and kisses, I tried so hard to be a good girl. I kept thinking if I could just be a little better you wouldn't be so mean and angry.

By the time I was 9 or 10, I realized that you were sick and purely evil. You have a black heart. I began to realize that nothing I could do would make you happy or change. You had so much anger inside of you, fueled by your alcohol, and taken out at my mother and I. No child should ever, EVER have to grow up with the terror, and pain that I did. I hated you for years, until I realized that you weren't worth hating. I no longer hate you.

Growing up you told me again and again that I would never amount to anything, I was worthless and no stated I was stupid and dumb. Well, I never believed you. I am not worthless or dumb. I am a successful, bright, smart, and happy woman. I hold my head high and am confident and assured in both my career and relationships. I am a survival story of your spewing ugliness.

There are a few things that you accused me of as a child that I want to get off my chest.

1. I never touched your damn fish, I hated your fish tanks they were dirty and nasty and stank. I never touched them. You would always accuse me of touching them and I never did, I got tired of getting in trouble for it, so one time when you accused me I said yes. I thought that if maybe I agreed I would be in less trouble. NO, of course then, I was in trouble every time. I NEVER TOUCHED IT EVER!!!!

2. Curling iron starting a fire. You are a liar!!! I actually have asked several people who are electricians etc. if a curling iron being left on for hours can start a fire like the one you said I started was a factual event. It is not. I was told that curling irons do not get hot enough or use enough electricity to created the kind explosion you said happened. You started the fire, I realize you were trying to teach me a lesson, but honesty is better than lies.

3. Grounding. I spent more of my childhood grounded than just being a kid playing. Between you and my mother life was hell. I was ALWAYS in trouble. I was a good kid. I didn't talk back (too often), I did what I was told and I had more chores than most normal kids ever would have in a lifetime. You found things to ground me for. I would get grounded for a month and just as I was coming to the end of the month (one or two measly f*ing days left) you or my mother would find something else to ground me for another month. I remember between the ages of 12 and 14 I was grounded for 7 months straight!!! I missed out on so many activities that children should have to opportunity to enjoy.

There are so many other points I could make, but its not necessary. I want you to know that I feel you belong in jail, you beat the living shit out of my mother on an almost daily basis. You made her the victim of domestic abuse. She began to show symptoms of a severely abused woman, making excuses for you, taking you back, feeling like she deserved it. I can't tell you how many times I begged and pleaded with her to leave you and she always said she couldn't. We did leave you twice, and she kept going back.

I can't express to you how filled with joy I was when you told my mother you were going to divorce her. I was 14 and filled with such hatred of you for the damage you caused to her and I. I begged her to sign the divorce papers and she refused. I was happy when you forged her signature and the damn divorce was finalized.

The last day I ever saw you, you came to the house and I was on the front porch, you asked me not to be angry at you. You blamed my mother for how you were when I was growing up. I just shook my head, I couldn't believe you were asking for a pardon from me. As you turned to walk away, I stepped off the porch. As you were getting ready to get into the car waiting for you I saw the other woman's little boy. I remember feeling deep sorrow and pity for him. He was so young and so cute. Over the years I have actually thought about that child and hoped...hoped that he did not have to endure any of what I did.

Last time I heard anything about you, you had moved to Ohio with you family. I heard your father passed away. I am sorry for your loss. I can honestly say I hope life is treating you well. I still would like to look you in the eyes one of these days, but I realize that is highly unlikely. So this stands as me, being able to tell you how very wrong you were about me. I am someone to be proud of. I hold my head high!

Your EX- step daughter

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Oh to be an Ostrich

Today I wanted to be an Ostrich, I wanted to stick my head in the sand and just have the world pass me by for a few hours....

I found out today that our company is downsizing. We are letting several of our employees go. I found out that my position is changing....or should I say doubling. I will now wear two hats. I will do my current job and also now do another position. My concern is that both of the positions are key positions that take time and detail. Right now what I do takes an actual 40 hour week and they want me to do an additional position which is a 40 hour week position.

My manager presented the new employee flow chart to me today and the changes looked great on paper. I wanted to know how things were going to work in a real sense...not just on a piece of paper. They are going to have 3 office people do what 7 people are currently doing. None of us could legitimately figure out how we were going to do the work of 7 people. We all agreed that we would buy into the new plan of the G.M, but also let him know that if the work loads were too much he would be the first to know.

This new plan unfold mid January, hopefully things go ok...if not, there is always my blog to let out the frustration.

Monday, January 01, 2007

First Day

Ahhhh, my day started by sleeping in, drinking some great coffee...going to lunch, a little shopping for some needed things and now blogging. Its been a great day to start off the new year.

I have really enjoyed reading some of the new blogs I have found. Some of them are funny, others are inspirational and other are full of beautiful photography. Its nice to sit down at the computer and read things from people of all different walks and views of life.

I have always loved writing. In high school, my english teacher used to encourage me to write, he said if I applied myself and continued to learn I could do it in a professional manner. I got away from it though, and now I read what others are writing and feel inspired to write.

I have several friends that have continually encouraged me to write about my life. I have written several blogs about my childhood and some of the events. I just sometimes want a break from that because it is a darker side of my life, though I know that writing about my life is theraputic. Through this year I want to write some more about my life experiences and also to get back to some of the writing I used to do.