Thursday, May 31, 2007

It Only Hurts Me

"Your a great person".

I am so tired of hearing that. Yes, I know that on the outside the person I am interacts with people I smile and say sweet things. I am soft hearted and love people. I can be charming and funny. I am a genuine person, but there is also the other person in me.

But there is a different side to me. This is where the great person in me stops being great. I hide this dark side well. There is no one that knows these little details about me. I have tried to talk to a few people about how I feel, but I always get "oh, stop! you are a fantastic person!"

I am honestly too chicken to really talk about some of the areas I struggle with. If I could be very honest there are a few people who really would not want much to do with me and that is part of why I keep it hidden. But I also want to sleep at night with out the guilt. I want to not break into tears when I stop for a minute and think about the things I have done and the lies that have been told to keep my secrets. How empowering it would be to be honest with just one person, even if they only turned around to tell me how much they hated me.

Why won't people listen when I try to talk to them. Why do they stick their fingers in their ears and say "lalalalalala." It frustrates me.

I have met so many great people here in bloggerville, these people are strong, they openly share struggles of alcoholism, drug abuse, suiciadal thoughts.

I know that I could go see a physcologist for my issues, but I already know what they are going to tell me. I have issues with abandonment and father issues and abuse issues.

It honestly comes down to me not having the ability to have self control.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Little Break

Sorry, I haven't been blogging much...Lots on my mind. Feeling really disillusioned about some things in my life.

Don't want to sound like drama, but I don't want any of my blogger friends to think I have disappeared. I just have lost my spark to write right now. I still will be visiting my friends....

You will all be in my thoughts and I will return soon, when my muse wakes up, or something like that.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Somebody Stop Me

I had a fantastic, crazy weekend....and now tonight I will crash very, very hard.

There are muscles I didn't even know I had that hurt from dancing and playing.

The bad thing is as hard as I played, I still had to work all weekend. So like a trooper, I played hard, and went to work the next day. For three days in a row....Geez, when I was 20 I could do that non stop, but now not so much.

I hope everyone had a safe and fun weekend. I would love to hear some stories of what everyone else did.

PS - for Gawpo - The part of Oregon I grew up in is the Rogue Valley area, but I also know the coast areas really well, as well as Eugene, Salem, Portand, and many other areas. I had grandparents in Coos Bay. I love Oregon. I have often thought of returning there.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Places to be

In my last post, I asked everyone where their favorite places were.

Many agreed with me that the beach is the place to be.

Others said Europe...I too love Europe, I had an opportunity to see parts of Italy and France. I fell in love with Europe, the people, the buildings, the history...I can't wait to go back, and now I want the opportunity to meet some of my new found blogging friends from there. England will be the next Europe visit.

Others said any body of water will do...

But there is something to be said for standing at the waters edge and gazing into the horizon.

I am so small against the power of the ocean, I love knowing there is the might and the power in the midst of this crazy world.

I remember when I was around 17, a group of us hopped in a van and took a beach trip. We played Frisbee, splashed in the waves, chased each other all over. I remember being exhausted and laying out my towel. I laid down with a perfect view of the guy I had a crush on. I was warm, satisfied and could hear the waves crashing in the background.

I drifted off to sleep. I have no idea how long I slept, but I was shaken awake to get ready to leave and I woke to discover I had the worst sunburn I have ever had in my life....

Moral of the story, don't forget to wear sunscreen this weekend.

HUGS to all of you!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Run away with me to the Beach.

Oh, what I would give to be there right now....

Everyone has a favorite place in the world to be....Mine is the beach, walking along barefoot, with the sand all over my feet.

Where is your favorite place??

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Free as Can be

Running down the road as fast as my skinny little legs would go...

Upon entering my house, I would fling down my backpack, and as I am running down the hall...

Off came the pinchy shoes, off came the skirt and itchy blouse, leaving a trail of school clothes behind.

I would slip into my stained, torn shorts and t-shirt, and tiptoe barefooted out the sliding glass door.

I would go to my favorite spot in the world.

It held all my secrets, it was the door to my imagination and delight.

On my way up, my feet caught all the right spots that had been worn from climbing so many times. Once at the top, I would shimmy into my spot. From this spot I had the best view of the humming bird feeder, and a nearby branch that I could rest my book on and lose myself in my next adventure.

I would lean back, my feet swinging in the breeze....

From high in the branches, I was in my castle. I was safe from anything on the ground. All the worries, scares and sadness were gone.

Up there I was a princess. A princess in torn jeans and t-shirt.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Just a rant

Warning, this is a rant and rave, you are being fore warned that this is not a pretty little blog...If you want to bypass this episode, I completely understand, and I am not looking for sympathy, just expressing my feeling...

I just don't understand.

Why does a mother who tells you, I begged God to give me a baby. Say in the next breathe, but I wanted a boy. "I don't understand, why God didn't give me a boy."

Why in a moment she could change from being a woman that could just ignore me, and go into a rage a moment later, leaving me to bear the bruises and scars. Actually, I do understand this one, she is sick. But I don't want to understand right now. I want to be angry that I never had a mom, just an angry old lady that is mad at the world.

Why does a mother tell her daughter that its ok to be the ugly duckling, so she doesn't have to worry about me being interested in boys.

Why after all these years being apart from my mother, is she able to say things that just break my heart. Why would she ask me if I am still an ugly duckling and allude to the fact that perhaps it is my looks that are keeping me from more out of life.

She doesn't understand that I am happy with my life. I am satisfied with the person I have become, and no matter what the damn woman says...I AM BEAUTIFUL. Maybe not to all people, but there are people who think I am and that is all that matters to me.

She has asked me to forgive her time and time again. And I do, and I will continue to. I just wish I could have a mom to talk to and share with. I never had the chance to get all pretty for a dance and have my mom take pictures or share tears with me over a silly boy.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Art of Learning

This is supposed to be a meme, tagged by none other than the famous Greg at Greg's General Store. But education is so important to me, that I decided to make this just a regular blog. I will answer the questions, but also add more of my own thoughts to it.

What was the name of the teacher that was most influential in your life from grades K through 6?

I have to honestly say there is not a single teacher that stands out to me during these years of my life. Honestly most of the teachers thought I was stupid. Little did they know I was severely hearing impaired. After a few operations, I could hear better, and my grades started going up.

The teachers that made the biggest impact in my life was my 8Th grade teacher, Sandra Bryant and my High School Jr. English teacher Mr. Rensi.

What subject did you favor in high school?

My favorite subject was/is English.

Did you attend a university and if so, did you attain a degree?

I have attended college, but still no degree. I am slowly and painfully working my way to a bachelors in business management. it may be years before I finish, but I am bound and determined to do it for me.

Do you learn best through books, by watching, or hands - on?

I can learn by all three, but I am very much a hands on person. I like to be able to touch it, see it, feel it, and experience it for myself.

Has education been an ongoing process for you? How do you feel about that?

Yes, education is truly on ongoing experience for me. I feel that when a person stops striving to learn and grow, they are giving up the very thing that keeps us going. Everyday I learn something new.

My father was very, very educated. I have always admired him and wanted to attend college. To my consternation when my dad moved me to California to go to college, his oh so lovely wife at the time decided that I would attend Beauty College instead of regular college. I did attend, I hated it and refuse to get a job doing hair. (Not saying there is a single thing wrong with it, it just wasn't for me.)

Several years later I tried attending a city college and that was horrible. The teachers didn't care and all the other students wanted to do was talk about the next freaking party coming up. (Not that I didn't want to have fun, but I was paying for the classes with my own money and wanted to get something out of it.)

Next I attended three years of online classes and I won't even say how horrible and a waste of time that was. I recently found out that most of those classes are not even transferable.

So as I said earlier one of these days I will earn my degree....but just for me.

So since this is a meme on education, if ya feel so inclined consider yourself tagged otherwise I will see you all on my next trip around the blogosphere.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Out of the Mouths of Moms

I am sitting here shaking my head. I cannot believe the conversation I just had with my mom. It was surreal.

I have to be honest and say, I am not close to my mom. I wish I was, but she does not allow any one in and if you do get close watch out...the Bible will be permanently shoved down your throat.

But I love my mother despite her short comings and today I called to wish her a Happy Mothers Day. I believe the following conversation will show that in desperate times, even a Bible thumping mom, will bend the rules a bit.

Our conversation went something like this....

Brrrrring, brrrring...

Her: Hello, hello...hello??????

Me: Mom its me , mooommm, its me. MOM!

Her: Oh HIIII sweetie. How are you? whatareyoudoing? areyougoing tochurch?areyoueating?

Me: Uhhh, yes!?!

Me: I just wanted to wish you a Happy Mothers Day.

Her: Thanks...

Then I won't bore you with the middle part, it's boring....but then as we were getting ready to hang up, my mother pulled a real whopper on me. She never fails to amaze me.

Me: Well, mom I better be going.

Her: ok, so....when are you going to get pregnant?

Me: WHAT?????? You know there are some crucial elements necessary for that to happen, right mom???

Her: Oh, well I figure that you could just find some good looking guy to sleep with you and you could have a baby. Because I want a grandbaby.

Me: OMG, I can't believe you just said that!!!!!!!

Her: Well, honey you do have to have sex to have a baby, and I want a grandbaby.

Me: ummmm, yes mom I know you have to have sex to have babies, but I am so not having this conversation with you. Mkay- bye mom.

So my mom that is a God fearing, Bible thumping mother, who is against sex outside of marriage of any kind, wants me to find some guy and just ask him to have a kid with me... Yeah, that wasn't weird or awkward at allllll. Side note...I have two step children who are her grandkids, but I have not had my own child, and that seems to be what all of our conversations as of late have been about.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Fire! Fire!

It kills me to turn on the news right now...

California, Florida and Minnesota are going up in flames. There are probably more areas, but I don't know about them.

California did not get near enough rain this year. It is going to be nuts this year.

BE CAREFUL. If you are a smoker, DO NOT THROW YOUR FREAKIN BUTTS OUT THE WINDOW!!!! There are more fires started this way.

Please keep the men and women who fight these major forest fires in your thoughts and prayers. I know several people who are on a hotshot team and they put their lives on the line everyday to keep these wildland forest fires from consuming entire towns.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I want to know WHY?

EDITED to include more details as people were asking why this was about the rich and not just the kid.

Why do some (not all) people with money think they are better than others? What gives them the right to be so rude? To look down on us common folk and sneer? Do parents of rich kids really think that throwing money at them will give them love or make a bad situation better?

Lately working at my new job, I have run into some very....interesting people, they have money and are not afraid to make demands. Just the other day, I had to gently remind a lady that these were apartments and not a custom home.

But I actually want to share this:

I heard a story today about a rich family that lives here locally. It disturbed me...greatly.

The story starts off that a local police officer was looking for a wanted young man. After asking the family and some of the young mans friends, he was found living with some friends and their parents.

When this officer went to go pick up the kid the other mother was in hysterics. She couldn't understand why the poor, unfortunate, misunderstood kid was being hauled off to jail. The officer asked her if the young man had told her the story about why he was being taken to jail.

The mother answered that the young man had told her that his parents didn't love him and had abused him. She thought she was taking this young man into her home to protect and shield him.

The officer then told her that the young man came from a very influential family, and that he was wanted for stabbing his mother with a BBQ fork (you know the ones with the long prongs to turn over meat). The mother was laying in a hospital suffering while this young man was saying he was being abused.

Why you ask, did he stab the mother??? He stayed out very late partying the night before and when he woke up late in the afternoon, he demanded that his mother make him breakfast. When she refused, and started to walk outside, he followed and stabbed her.

The sad thing is, he tried to deny the whole story.........

BUT coming from an influential family, the entire thing was caught on the family's surveillance tapes...Along with him saying he was "gonna kill you, for not making breakfast."

Even more of a tragedy is this young man has a history of violence. Instead of the parents giving him love, attention and some discipline, they through money at the problem. He wants for nothing material wise. Maybe when he was younger he got in small amounts of trouble so he could get his parents attention, and it escalated as he got older. Who knows what the psychology is, I just find the situation sad. I truly feel for the family as a whole. There was some element missing from their structure....

I am sure their is more to the story...there are the mental and emotional sides. Was it a drug induced attack? Did the young man feel loved by his family? There are so many elements that go into what was going on in the young mans mind. The whole thing makes me sad.

I am far from being rich, or even being considered well off...I don't think money is evil, but I think that the greed and motive behind the money can make you do terrible things and become a terrible person.

I also realize this is not just a "rich" problem, but that there are people everywhere who are experiencing these kinds of problems, but I was more frustrated that the rich throw money at a problem rather than taking a minute to maybe seek the root cause of a problem. I also have nothing against money, in fact I really like money.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

OH Baby!

Man, I am loving the new job, but I get home so late...I have no energy to blog. I miss blogging, so here is a short and sweet one.

I wanted to share with my blog family the new baby!

Her name is Iliana....I am told that she is a good little eater and sleeper....I do hope to be able to see and hold her soon. I am beginning to like this grandma thing....

Well, I am off to bed, just wanted to share the new little angel with you.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

This is my hundredth post and in honor of that I have given a special interview from Dorky Dad. (Ok, not really, but it sounded good)

Question 1: Tomorrow is your last day on Earth. What do you do?

Whaaaa! I am gonna die tomorrow! Whaaaaa.... Ok, I am over it. What would I do? Well since I am a soft hearted, sentimental person, I would make sure that all the people I love know I love them. And then I would do something extreme I have never done...jump out of a plane, or ...or...something like that. (no not really, because everyone who really knows me, knows I am a chicken, but if it was my last day...who knows, maybe I would try it.) I would also eat all the foods that I love....lobster, shrimp, desserts. Yummmm, I am hungry now.

Question 2: Why did you start blogging?

*Snicker* I honestly started blogging because I was bored, but the story goes like this. I worked at this Company and Chucky was always talking about his blog. So Echo and I asked a bunch of questions and I read his blog and decided to start one of my own. Nothing too exciting, but I am addicted to blogging now.

When I first started blogging, one day I thought I would venture out and check out a few other blogs. I read one and it was ok, kinda boring, moved on to the next one and it was about S & M and spanking and I ran back to my safe little corner didn't venture out to any other blogs for a long time.

Question 3: You say you are a "grandma." What is your idea of the perfect retirement?

I am still getting used to the idea of being a gramma...I have told a few people, that I am a gramma and I keep getting funny looks and the ask, How old are you??? I am having way too much fun with that. Have to brag a minute, the baby is beautiful. I will post a picture tomorrow.

Perfect retirement is being able to be financially set, so that I can travel (one of my goals is to meet some of the wonderful people I blog with), relax, garden, spoil grandkids, and just live. I don't want much, just to be able to do the things I want to do.

Question 4: Some goofball wizard decides to turn you into a vegetable, but is kind enough to give you your choice. What do you choose and why?

Dorky, what were you drinking when you came up with this question??? Lets see, do I want to be a vegetable that I like? Or one I don't like? Do I want to be eaten or left somewhere to rot? OMG there are so many decisions...can't think....

Broccoli - It can be eaten many ways and people love broccoli. I want to be a loved vegetable. I want people to rush to the store and buy me, because they can't wait to steam me and serve me beside their fillet Mignon.

Question 5: You are in a room, alone, with Donald Trump. What do you do?

First of all let me say, there is no way possible I would ever be alone in a room with this man. Why him, couldn't I have been alone with some hot, hunk of a man. Or if not a hot one, at least one I like????

Oh, I could have so much fun with this question, but alas I will behave myself.

Honestly, other than tearing off that terrible hair piece off, I probably would ignore him. But I think that would drive him crazy, as he is used to being the center of attention. He would talk to me and I would pretend he does not exist. I think the man is annoying and despicable. Oh, and I would tell him "Your Fired!"

OK, I am ending this interview now, mostly because I have no more questions to answer. And now I DARE YOU to let me interview YOU.

C'mon. What are you afraid of?

Here's what to do:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

See its simple...really. No, really.