Warning, this is a rant and rave, you are being fore warned that this is not a pretty little blog...If you want to bypass this episode, I completely understand, and I am not looking for sympathy, just expressing my feeling...
I just don't understand.
Why does a mother who tells you, I begged God to give me a baby. Say in the next breathe, but I wanted a boy. "I don't understand, why God didn't give me a boy."
Why in a moment she could change from being a woman that could just ignore me, and go into a rage a moment later, leaving me to bear the bruises and scars. Actually, I do understand this one, she is sick. But I don't want to understand right now. I want to be angry that I never had a mom, just an angry old lady that is mad at the world.
Why does a mother tell her daughter that its ok to be the ugly duckling, so she doesn't have to worry about me being interested in boys.
Why after all these years being apart from my mother, is she able to say things that just break my heart. Why would she ask me if I am still an ugly duckling and allude to the fact that perhaps it is my looks that are keeping me from more out of life.
She doesn't understand that I am happy with my life. I am satisfied with the person I have become, and no matter what the damn woman says...I AM BEAUTIFUL. Maybe not to all people, but there are people who think I am and that is all that matters to me.
She has asked me to forgive her time and time again. And I do, and I will continue to. I just wish I could have a mom to talk to and share with. I never had the chance to get all pretty for a dance and have my mom take pictures or share tears with me over a silly boy.