Friday, May 18, 2007

Just a rant

Warning, this is a rant and rave, you are being fore warned that this is not a pretty little blog...If you want to bypass this episode, I completely understand, and I am not looking for sympathy, just expressing my feeling...

I just don't understand.

Why does a mother who tells you, I begged God to give me a baby. Say in the next breathe, but I wanted a boy. "I don't understand, why God didn't give me a boy."

Why in a moment she could change from being a woman that could just ignore me, and go into a rage a moment later, leaving me to bear the bruises and scars. Actually, I do understand this one, she is sick. But I don't want to understand right now. I want to be angry that I never had a mom, just an angry old lady that is mad at the world.

Why does a mother tell her daughter that its ok to be the ugly duckling, so she doesn't have to worry about me being interested in boys.

Why after all these years being apart from my mother, is she able to say things that just break my heart. Why would she ask me if I am still an ugly duckling and allude to the fact that perhaps it is my looks that are keeping me from more out of life.

She doesn't understand that I am happy with my life. I am satisfied with the person I have become, and no matter what the damn woman says...I AM BEAUTIFUL. Maybe not to all people, but there are people who think I am and that is all that matters to me.

She has asked me to forgive her time and time again. And I do, and I will continue to. I just wish I could have a mom to talk to and share with. I never had the chance to get all pretty for a dance and have my mom take pictures or share tears with me over a silly boy.


whimsicalnbrainpan said...

You are beautiful! I'm sorry that your Mother is incapable of seeing the beauty in you as well. I kind of feel sorry for the woman. She gave birth to a treasure and doesn't even appreciate it. How sad is that...

I wish I could give you the mother you deserve. (((HUGS)))

Anne said...

For what it's worth, I think you're beautiful, inside and out, and I'm sure a great many other people think so too. I'm glad you're a woman because that is part of the wonderful person that you are. Ultimately though, the only person who can really make you feel good about yourself is you. It sure would make a difference if our parents did or said a few things differently though, wouldn't it? But they are who they are. You can wait around all your life hoping for Mom to change, or you can change your reaction to her. May I suggest you go to the library and find a copy of the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? It helped me a lot, and it sounds as if it may help you.
Sweetie, you are an awesome person, whether she is able to say it right now, or not.

Shrink wrapped scream said...

Yes, you are beautiful, inside and out. Some people should never be destained to be parents, sounds like your mum was one of them.. but despite the scars she inflicted on your soul, look at where you've arrived at. You should stand tall and proud, my lovely lady, you are a survivor.

I wrote a post dedicated to my mother, she committed suicide on the day I gave birth to my first child! Talk about timing.. (It's called Loony Toons.)

We are who we are, and only we can decide if we are comfortable inside our skin - I'm so glad you have the wisdom, and the good sense to recognise, she is the damaged person, not you, my sweet! x

Em said...

We've seen your photos so we know you are quite beautiful! And we've read your words so we know your heart is beautiful and filled with love and compassion for others. But relationships with parents are often so difficult. I'm no therapist and I don't understand it all, but I've known so many folks who felt that those closest to them in their family were never able to give them love and support. And that is sad. It was very sad reading your post and feeling your pain. But remember, you are not a reflection of your mom's words. You are YOU...and your beauty in all ways is undeniable.

kate said...

We can choose our friends but not our relatives. I wonder why she is really saying those things... its just not true and more importantly not right! Continue to believe in yourself and make your life happy. A man nor a baby will fulfill you. You fulfill yourself and they may add to the quality. Just my opinion.

Kati said...

Barb, I think you ARE a beautiful woman, inside & out. But I understand the doubts that flit across our minds once in a while, having grown up as a child who's baby sister was "the pretty one", who's middle sister was "the smart one" and I was relegated to being either "the quiet one" or "the bookworm". Neither of those are encouraging assessments of my personality. And I've never thought I was very pretty. I still don't get told I'm pretty, not even by my husband. Though I wish he would, I don't tell him that I want to hear it, either, because that would be fishing for compliments and I wish he'd tell me once in a while because he thinks it, not because he thinks I want to hear it. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling so down about your relationship with your mom, and while you obviously know it's HER problem, not yours, it doesn't help, and I know it doesn't make you feel any better.

Sending ((((HUGS)))). Chin up, Sweety, you ARE beautiful!

The Lone Beader said...

I cannot believe a mother would say those things... :(

Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, I was fortunate that my mother was happy that I was a girl, but let's say I was ....unexpected. My dad wanted a boy, and I found that one out very early on. It is a horrible feeling. That is about as personal as I can get at this point, but suffice to say, there are people who want children--either gender--and cannot have them for a variety of reasons. I think of one friend of mine and know that she would be happy with any girl or's all so sad. I'm sorry you feel bad today.

susan said...

I'm so glad that you realize that you ARE indeed beautiful and are confident enough to proclaim it to the world. You are also confident enough to realize that being with a man or having a kid isn't what is going to make you happy and content. You are true to yourself no matter what hurtfulness comes your way. That's one of the things that I admire most about you. Big HUGS!

Bardouble29 said...

Everyone - Thanks...I was just hurt and the best way for me to get it out is to write about it.

I learned along time ago that my mother is ill. She says and does things that a mother would never do, and she does have lucid moments were she regrets things...

Thanks for listening and letting me just pour the uglies onto the page.

SpongyBones said...

Just for the resord not only are you beautiful inside and out, but you are hot as hell!

No said...

Just started reading your blog, and this post is real and touching. I appreciate your sharing these thoughts with us. Truly, you are beautiful.

singleton said...

Yeah, you're one of the beautiful people! And there's a whole world out there that's thrilled you ended up to be exactly YOU! And Wouldn't change a thing!

david santos said...

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Please Help

just me said...

I swear we must be sisters because it sounds like we have the same mother. The only way I could cope with her constant negativity was to distance myself from the fact she was my mother, and treat her as a friend.

This will probably sound crazy, but learning her particular pathology, and her past, sometimes helps in coming to grips with why she projects her feelings of self-worth onto you. And that is exactly what she is doing. It also helped me to realize she would never change. To accept the fact she would never be the Mother I wanted her to be. So, having said that, I had no expectations that she would ever treat me as a beloved daughter.

Yes, you are beautiful. The only opinion that matters on that one is yours!

I swear we must be sisters!

Jay said...

I've seen your photos on your myspace and you are down right BEAUTIFUL!!

You're mother is sick. She has lots of problems and it's a testament to what a good person you are that you continue to forgive her.

captain corky said...

You are beautiful Barb. You're one of the most caring and wonderful people I have encountered through blogging. And you're a good looking broad on top of it. ;) You deserve better.

Gardener Greg said...

Barb you are very beautiful. I wish I could find the right words to comfort you but all I can say is you are not alone. I struggle with the same "sick mother" that you do. The only thing I have been able to come up with is that we are sucessful and have made a good life for ourselves without their help. Two of my brothers however still live with her and she is always bragging on how much they help her. They help her spend her social security check but other than that they do nothing more.

I am constantly getting the "please forgive me" speach too and like you, I do, but soon something else surfaces and it is back to the same old mom. That would be the mom that used to put a loaded gun to her head (when we were little) and tell us that she was going to kill herself because no one loved her. Then she would slam the door and let us sit outside crying.

As a teenager, I would try and help out while both parents worked so I would buy dinner with my own money and have it ready when she came home. She would open the door, say it smelled funny and toss it, pan and all out the back door.

This is the same mother that went away to church camp every year but slipped away to have an affair with an old lover. The same one that came back to help out with my dying father but the moment we left her alone she tore through the house and stole everything of value and left him alone in the house unable to get up out of his chair.

We forgive them Barb but I never forget. Sorry I vented too,


skinnylittleblonde said...

I didn't skip this one, I skipped them all, not just yours for like a week & I missed you terribly girl!
I just watched a movie called 'Real Women have Curves'...might I suggest that you check it out? Momma called her daughter 'fatty' all the time. She wasn't a sick Mom, just selfish and closed-minded. But daughter learned that her own success would be defined only be herself, not her mother. In the end, we see that success reaps the greatest rewards for all parties involved. You define your own success & if someone else doesn't have the same values or has problems with that, then it is their problem.
I am so sorry that you were not blessed with a loving Mother, somehow I wonder if she doesn't feel love, but knows not how to address it or handle it, so she opts to resent it? Greg is right about the forgiving / forgetting thing. You must really work hard on forgiving yourself for beleiving that you were unwanted or that you were anything less than beautiful. Forgive yourself for falling pray to her words, that's what all children do with their Mother's words and it is not wrong. Unfortunately your Momma was wrong. Don't carry her burden, her errs, her mis-sights & mis-understanding. Forgive yourself for trusting her, you were doing what was right. I think that maybe if you can figure out who you are forgiving for what, you'll find her verbal assaults in the future to be held better in place, where they her world, her head...not yours!

ps~i never had the chance to be pretty, go to a dance & get my pics taken either!

Meet me at the SandBar Baby! We'll climb some trees, sip on some marqaritas, lick the salt from the rim and feel the saltwater on our skin, let our toes dance in the breeze & our souls get kissed by Mother Nature!

Rachelle said...

Oh my dear beautiful child. Come to my house, I will be your mommy.

I know how hard this is. I didn't have my mother in my life until I was an adult, and then it was on my terms. I had to keep her out of my life for my own sanity. To find forgiveness. How could she let me be sexually abused? Physically & emotionally abuse me herself, and then act like she was perfect?? And wonder why I went the way of the wild child for so long.....

After many years, I was able to find forgiveness and peace- now we share a good relationship. I still have to set boundaries, and it took a looong time before she learned to respect them, still crossing the line occasionally, but now I can honestly say I love her, and she loves me.

There comes a time when you have to say enough. You are not allowed to hurt me anymore. Setting firm and clear boundries about what is and isn't allowed in conversation is a start.

There is a strong, brave wonderful woman sitting on the other end of this computer. She is beautiful and proud, and has earned peace.
I hope you find it.
I'll be here for you with a warm hug and paca kisses. Come on down and see me.