Thursday, May 31, 2007

It Only Hurts Me

"Your a great person".

I am so tired of hearing that. Yes, I know that on the outside the person I am interacts with people I smile and say sweet things. I am soft hearted and love people. I can be charming and funny. I am a genuine person, but there is also the other person in me.

But there is a different side to me. This is where the great person in me stops being great. I hide this dark side well. There is no one that knows these little details about me. I have tried to talk to a few people about how I feel, but I always get "oh, stop! you are a fantastic person!"

I am honestly too chicken to really talk about some of the areas I struggle with. If I could be very honest there are a few people who really would not want much to do with me and that is part of why I keep it hidden. But I also want to sleep at night with out the guilt. I want to not break into tears when I stop for a minute and think about the things I have done and the lies that have been told to keep my secrets. How empowering it would be to be honest with just one person, even if they only turned around to tell me how much they hated me.

Why won't people listen when I try to talk to them. Why do they stick their fingers in their ears and say "lalalalalala." It frustrates me.

I have met so many great people here in bloggerville, these people are strong, they openly share struggles of alcoholism, drug abuse, suiciadal thoughts.

I know that I could go see a physcologist for my issues, but I already know what they are going to tell me. I have issues with abandonment and father issues and abuse issues.

It honestly comes down to me not having the ability to have self control.


Gardener Greg said...

Barb you put on a good front and I still think you are a great person. This coming from a person with more skeletons in his closet than the law allows. I have way too many secrets myself and If I were to "tell all" I would be locked away for life. I also have two sides, and maybe three. I have often wondered if I have a split personality. I have tried the counceling route but found out it is better just to talk with people and not professionals. If you ever need to talk, you can always email me. I won't do the lalalalal thing. I may even tell you a deep dark secret in return. Smile now please,


Kati said...

And I think that whatever flaws you may have (and we all have them, Sweety!) you ARE a great person!!!!! Sending (((((HUGS)))))!

SpongyBones said...

Damn, I know where you're at. I was there for years. Now I just say f@*& it, this is who I am and this is what I've done. Take me or leave me, but I'm not hiding it anymore and I'm not going to kick myself (or let anyone kick me) for all this anymore. The only difference between me and them, honestly, is I got caught and they didn't!

I love how your blog has come to the darkside, we have cookies over here you know!

I am who I am. You are who you are. If you can't accept me then to hell with ya. I will accept you for who you are and if I can't hang, which I have yet to meet anyone that I can't deal with, then we both move on.

I dig you regardless! If you need some help burying the bodies just let me know. I have a spade shovel and I know where there are some good hiding places!

captain corky said...

Have you ever thought about picking one person that you are comfortable with and letting it all out. Maybe a letter to one person perhaps. It might help more than you think. I'm not a therapist, but I am a friend.

Enemy of the Republic said...

When people use the word "great", it is often because they don't know what to say.

I tell people I am a decent person, but I am neither good or nice. I have a lot of compassion, but I also can be a bitch. And that is me. I don't know when it happened, but I finally just decided that I was this way and that was that. It doesn't mean I shouldn't improve. It just means that I don't care about the opinion of others in terms of my character. That may sound harsh, but it is true. Something just clicked one day.

Anonymous said...

"If I could be very honest there are a few people who really would not want much to do with me and that is part of why I keep it hidden."

I find that if you are honest with yourself, then being honest to others comes naturally. Everyone has different sides to them but you shouldn't have to feel like you are always hiding something. I wish it was easy to just say 'snap out of it' but I understand that it's something you're really trying come to grips with.

So, I would have to say that you should let go of the fear of what those "few people" will think of you. Ultimately, I think it comes down to how much you trust and love yourself.

Anne said...

They have cookies on the dark side? Coool. :)
Everybody has a dark side to some degree, and it's probably proportional to how much shit you've been through in your life. My suggestion is to try to fix your mistakes as much as you can, but try to forgive yourself too. You would forgive someone else or at least try to understand, so don't you deserve to be treated as well? DO YOU DESERVE TO BE FORGIVEN? That's where logic splits away from emotion, isn't it?

Have you tried writing everything down in a letter to yourself? Or maybe a letter that you would write to the little kid you, if you could send that letter back in time. Not for your blog, just for yourself. You can delete it, rip it up, stomp on it, burn it, whatever afterward. But before you do, read it out loud to yourself once or twice. That's right, out loud, even if you feel silly. There's magic in the spoken word.
If you're like me, the first time you do it, your letter might say "I hate you, fuck you, suck it up and stop being so scared" or something to that effect. But your letters will probably get gradually more understanding and loving. :)

Jay said...

I think the writing it all down technique really is a good idea. A lot of times we look for someone to let it all out too, but it's asking a lot of people sometimes too. So, just sitting down and writing it all out gives you the chance to see it right in front of you and deal with it there.

Everybody has a dark side. None of us are perfect. We've all made mistakes. But what's past is past and what's done is done. Sometimes the only thing we can do is just move on. And try to forgive ourselves, if that's really necessary.

Of course, I don't know shit so you might not want to listen to me. ;-)

Halo7528 said...

Girl, you should know that after all these years, there is NOTHING you could tell me that would make me hate you..... You need to call me

LADY LUXIE said...

Hello there!!..First of all, my kid here insists once again that you and I are one and the same person. I dunno' if that's good news to you hee! hee!..but he says we are so alike in this picture of you...

Second, I love the feel of this bloggy'. I started out with the same template a year back...Wore it for some time then deleted the blog...I was so different there...

Third, I think people mostly become afraid when we try to tell them about the side of us that only we know about. It hurts more if the person is someone we truly trust and uphold as a dear friend...Maybe one of the reasons could be that facing what we reveal about us reminds them that they too have a side they don't want to confront.

Fourth, this isn't just you. It's me as well. I appear calm and serene and funky funny and all things nice in cybie and so too in meatspace. But there is a sordid face to me that I myself am ashamed ov' to the point that in cyber I feel I am mostly the real essence of me.

I have anger issues...temper flares that thankfully through the kindness and toughness of my husband is controlled...Without him I know that even my drink or two would be beyond what I can control...I have issues of abandonment as well...issues of emotional and verbal abuse with my parents left mangled and don't know how to fix.. and I am in all ways what you say you are only on a different mode.

I think what you are doing here..accepting that this side of you is what it is is already healing....I have done the same...Blogging has helped me truly..

oh' I don't write everything...but the thought that people all around the world share the same trials and travails...made me realize I am a part of them...and they of me...good side...bad side...wild side...


Jazz said...

Girl, people don't want to know because it would force them to face their own dark sides.

You are what you are, neither better nor worse than anyone else.

Personally, I like to know my friends aren't necessarily as wonderful as they seem. Makes me feel better about my own foibles.

RockDog said...


Let it all hang out! I'll be right here to judge you! I'm kidding...!

I think Captain Corky had a good idea (don't let it go to his head...) about writing it down.


(And this is going to sound odd) Find a stranger to unload on. You'll never see them again and who cares what they think...

Either way, we're all here for you!

Have a kick ass weekend!

Anne said...

Lol at unloading on a stranger. Actually it sounds like a good idea, but I can imagine the look on their face. Next time a guy tries to pick you up and you're not interested, you should completely unload your problems. He probably won't know what to say. Probably works well with salesmen and panhandlers too. Hahahahaha! :D

Chucky said...

you know you can always shot out at me. You are one of my best firends, oh and you not the most about me ;)

You do know I'm only a phone call away. Heck, only a 4.5 hour dirve away =)

Your friend,
Just J

skinnylittleblonde said...

Hmmmm....I find that me keeping secrets doesn't work so well, especially if they are the kind that feed guilt. I crack & can't take it. I have to unload. I know that in confessing myself to others, I have taken the risk of them thinking I was whacked, or whatever, and even possibly disowning me but at least in the end, I can re-assure them that I was honest with them & honest with myself.
You know BarD, I believe in the live, learn, love thing. Sometimes it hurts & sometimes it seems to suck the life right outta me, but we all make mistakes & poor choices. It's how we learn.
In college, I had a professor who liked to say 'Guilt rests its head on fear.' That always stuck with me & when I needle myself when I feel guilty it's usually boils down to some deep fear I have, even if not directly.
Always wishing you peace & love girl...even in the darkness.

Blondie said...

We all have a dark side. No worries! Just remember--it's in the past. Done. That's what my shrinky says anyway. ;)

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Everyone has a dark side. I have no doubt that you do given what I have heard about your life. I also know that despite this you are a great person.

However if these people who are your "friends" won't listen to what you have to say, no matter what it is, then I question the depth of their friendship. A true friend should always listen, let you be who you are, and accept the bad with the good.

I'm here if you want to talk. (((HUGS)))

Craig D said...

I wouldn't be so quick to write off therapy or councelling.

"I already know what they are going to tell me." Wow! How could you?

Have you been in for some councelling and had a bad experience in the past?

There are patient/therapist combos that just don't click. Believe me, I know!

If you find someone you can work with, well, it's pure gold!

Whatever you do, you at least have MY persmission to be a rotten person! I hope that helps...


just me said...

My philosophy? We are all capable of doing anything, and we all do anything, and will continue to do so. We learn from it sometimes, and sometimes we don't. The bottom line is we are all human beings, and as such, are not perfect. It is amazing that when you do find some one to unburden yourself to, you will probably find that your dark secrets will seem like small potatotes to the things they reveal about themselves.

Its time to accept that, yes, I did this or that, for what ever reason, I might even do it again, but I am still a human being worthy of love and respect, and all the good things life has to offer.

Guilt is not the big bad wolf here, but shame is. And shame carries an unbelievable burden, and is ususally blown way out of proportion. Been there, done that. Accept yourself as you are, dear one, with warts and all. None of us are perfect. We all carry scars of deeds we wish we had not done, so remember, you are not alone.

Think of when you are 80 years old and the stories you can tell your room-mate at the old folks home. What seems so bad now, will probably make the halls ring with delightful laughter as your roommate says, "I know you didn't,girl.."

Email me.
There's not much I haven't heard or done.