Saturday evening I did some thinking. In this thinking I realize I am disgusted with myself. I pretend to be so fucking self righteous, so assured of myself and so damn confident...yet the truth is I am a horrible, hateful, disgusting person. I have hurt so many people in my life. I have great intentions....my intention are honest and true. But when it comes down to it, the only thing I seem to be able to is hurt others. If my closest friends truly knew me and my thoughts, they would probably never speak to me again.
I have hurt so many people, I no longer want to hurt the people I love, break the trust and love. I want to make things right.
I have hurt so many people, if I could I would go to each one and reveal my heart and apologize, but I know this is not possible and most would not accept my apology. I have tried to contact some of the people I have hurt and they refuse to even listen.
For instance, the first person I ever loved, "T" I hurt you and didn't even realize it until years later. I was so blinded my my own selfish heartache when you broke up with me, that I couldn't see beyond to the tragedy occuring in your life. I was so caught up in being right and knowing right that I was not even listening to you. There are times I wish that, that night I had just shut my mouth and really listened. I was 17 and did not underatand communication and give and take.
To "J" I wish I could take back the things I said and the way I treated you and your mother, you were my family when I had none and once again in my selfishness I hurt you. I have tried so many times to contact you. You were so naive, and I so knew better, but I allowed myself to be the rotten, horrible person that I was.
To "A" I spent 11 years of my life with you, Sheesha and Gerby. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. Where things went wrong, I don't even know. When we married, I married you for life, forever... but life, emotions, hurt and miscommunication came between us. To this day we are still talking and I am grateful that we have managed to remain - friends. There are times I miss you more than I can explain, and there are times I hate you so deeply it makes me sick. I just wish I could have figured out a way to make the hurt go away. Ican't even adequately explain the way I feel. Some of me still loves you deeply and probably always will. I just often think...what if.
To "you" ( I don't even want to say your name) I can only imagine the hurt I have caused you. I am so sorry, there is nothing I can say except I am so sorry! I ripped your heart out, stomped it and ran like a crazy person. I wish things had been different, wish I could have changed the way things happened. I turned your life upside down, spoke about great intentions, and in the end I was a coward....
"A" you are the one I worry about the most. You are almost childishly naive. I feel like the most horrible person. I have so little patience with you, I want you to just understand when I tell you something, but you don't. You search my face for answers that I don't know how to give you. I would give my life, not to hurt you, but don't know how not too.
"L" you were in my life many, many years ago...That night sitting talking, you shared your heart with me...I hurt you. Twelve years have come and gone...You are back in my life. I have let so many people down, I have hurt so many people. I have a tendancy to stike out before people can strike out at me. You are one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. You deserve happiness and fulfillment. I have a black heart, I hurt people...You need someone in your life that won't hurt you, won't let you down.
I want to make things right with the people I have hurt...I want to start over. I sincerely apologize to the people I have hurt.