Monday, January 15, 2007

Starting Over

Saturday evening I did some thinking. In this thinking I realize I am disgusted with myself. I pretend to be so fucking self righteous, so assured of myself and so damn confident...yet the truth is I am a horrible, hateful, disgusting person. I have hurt so many people in my life. I have great intention are honest and true. But when it comes down to it, the only thing I seem to be able to is hurt others. If my closest friends truly knew me and my thoughts, they would probably never speak to me again.

I have hurt so many people, I no longer want to hurt the people I love, break the trust and love. I want to make things right.

I have hurt so many people, if I could I would go to each one and reveal my heart and apologize, but I know this is not possible and most would not accept my apology. I have tried to contact some of the people I have hurt and they refuse to even listen.

For instance, the first person I ever loved, "T" I hurt you and didn't even realize it until years later. I was so blinded my my own selfish heartache when you broke up with me, that I couldn't see beyond to the tragedy occuring in your life. I was so caught up in being right and knowing right that I was not even listening to you. There are times I wish that, that night I had just shut my mouth and really listened. I was 17 and did not underatand communication and give and take.

To "J" I wish I could take back the things I said and the way I treated you and your mother, you were my family when I had none and once again in my selfishness I hurt you. I have tried so many times to contact you. You were so naive, and I so knew better, but I allowed myself to be the rotten, horrible person that I was.

To "A" I spent 11 years of my life with you, Sheesha and Gerby. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. Where things went wrong, I don't even know. When we married, I married you for life, forever... but life, emotions, hurt and miscommunication came between us. To this day we are still talking and I am grateful that we have managed to remain - friends. There are times I miss you more than I can explain, and there are times I hate you so deeply it makes me sick. I just wish I could have figured out a way to make the hurt go away. Ican't even adequately explain the way I feel. Some of me still loves you deeply and probably always will. I just often think...what if.

To "you" ( I don't even want to say your name) I can only imagine the hurt I have caused you. I am so sorry, there is nothing I can say except I am so sorry! I ripped your heart out, stomped it and ran like a crazy person. I wish things had been different, wish I could have changed the way things happened. I turned your life upside down, spoke about great intentions, and in the end I was a coward....

"A" you are the one I worry about the most. You are almost childishly naive. I feel like the most horrible person. I have so little patience with you, I want you to just understand when I tell you something, but you don't. You search my face for answers that I don't know how to give you. I would give my life, not to hurt you, but don't know how not too.

"L" you were in my life many, many years ago...That night sitting talking, you shared your heart with me...I hurt you. Twelve years have come and gone...You are back in my life. I have let so many people down, I have hurt so many people. I have a tendancy to stike out before people can strike out at me. You are one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. You deserve happiness and fulfillment. I have a black heart, I hurt people...You need someone in your life that won't hurt you, won't let you down.

I want to make things right with the people I have hurt...I want to start over. I sincerely apologize to the people I have hurt.


Halo7528 said...

you can't be all that bad... I have known you for over 11 years and you haven't hurt me once.....things happen for a reason... you just have too much time to think lol...okay bad attempt at trying to make you laugh...i love ya

Jay said...

WOW. All you can do is make a sincere attempt and apologizing and trying to make things right. Then you have to move and not beat yourself up over things.

Baron Ectar said...

You are not a bad person for anything you have done in your past - you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.

This is a brave thing you have done.

Today I had to write a email to someone that I hurt deeply just last Friday and I know how hard this is to do.

Sorry woman - cant agree with you here - in my book you are one of the most brave and honest women that I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

Count the Baron as a new fan!

Chucky said...

"If my closest friends truly knew me and my thoughts, they would probably never speak to me again."

yeah, so I might have said something like that a time or two. But truth be told, I'm still your friend. So that doesn't change anything.

bardouble29 said...

Halo- You know I love you, thanks for just being there.

Jay - I know, I just get frustrated with making the same mistakes over and over again.

Baron- Saying sorry is such a hard thing to do. Thanks for the kind words.

Chucky - I know you understand how I feel, I have heard you say similar things. Thanks for being my bud!

Anonymous said...

"If my closest friends truly knew me and my thoughts, they would probably never speak to me again."

Only your "closest friends" wouldn't judge you for your thoughts. You are very brave for being honest and there is nothing wrong with being truthful. You shouldn't beat yourself up after apologizing. Once to accept the things you did wrong, you can move on from them and only learn from past mistakes.

I haven't known you that long but it doesn't matter what you say or do, I wouldn't judge you for them.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Just tell those people what you told us. If you recognize the fact that you have done wrong then you can't be that bad of a person. A bad person wouldn't give a shit.

bardouble29 said...

echo- you are a true friend and for that I am grateful.

whimsical- thanks for the encouragement. I know I am not bad, I just get frustrated by making the same mistakes over again.

Chalice said...

WOW!!! That is about all I can say about this post. I have felt this way about a few people in my life and have always wanted to make amends but never quite knew how to go about doing it.

At least, if nothing else, you had the opportunity to vent. Whether or not they will ever see this doesn't really matter. You got to speak your mind and find some peace..

Take care..

bardouble29 said...

Chalice - when I was younger, I was not as worrried about making amends, but as I have gooten older, I want to make things right...

captain corky said...

Thank you for your honesty. Amends, and redemption is something I think about, and struggle with a lot too. I've made a good deal of mistakes in my life, and I'm doing my best not to make those same mistakes anymore.

Here's to starting over!

The Wizened Wizard said...

Most people have done hurtful things at one time or other; some acts are really hurtful, others less so. Think about it: are you a BAD person? Or are you human?

And to balance the scale, have you done some good things? Probably!

I only "know" you through the blog, and let's not kid ourselves... this is a very controlled reality. You could be a mass-murderer (although I rather doubt that you are) or a saint. I'm guessing that you are something in between, and (like many of us) you sometimes get to feeling low and all the negative things you've ever done come to mind to reinforce your self-hate/self-doubt.

An apology may be too late, but it's never wrong to apologize (in my humble opinion). On the other hand, you shouldn't beat yourself up for past mis-deeds - as long as you don't keep repeating the kind of behavior that necessitates the apologies... If you are a truly "black-hearted" person, then maybe you should seek therapy.

As I said, I only "know" you through the blog, so in truth, I don't know you. That, to me, is the black side of blogging: there can be great deceptions. You have visited my site numerous times and always say kind things (and of course blogging buddies love kind comments). I want to believe that you are what you present: a good person who has been through quite a few rough patches; a survivor trying to make lemonade when life gives you lemons; a success story despite some tough odds.

Will you write a blog entry about some of the thoughtful things you have done for others? I'll bet the list is much longer than your list of apologies.

We are all human.

bardouble29 said...

corky - Here's to starting over!

Starting over is great, I just decided this weekend that I want to really make a change in my life, and quit making the same mitakes.

bardouble29 said...

Wizened - Thank you, you have put this in great perspective for me...Yes, I have done good in my life, and will continue to try to do so. I just get so disgusted with myself when I think of the people I have hurt. Yes, I am a survivor my early life and I am trying to over come the onstacles to make a better person of myself. Thank you again.

Kati said...

Gosh (everybody else already said "wow").... That's a lot to take in. Gotta agree with the rest that if you were a truly bad person, you wouldn't feel bad about the ways you've hurt others. As it is, you're showing definite remorse, which means that you're not soulless. Instead, you're human. Just like anybody else. I think even the best of us feel that we've hurt people. It takes a strong person to admit it, and to apologize & ask forgiveness long after the fact. And an even stronger person to recognise when they're on the verge of doing it again & change what they're doing to avoid hurting somebody else.

Chin up! You look to be a rather strong person. Make your apologies, try to keep from making the same mistakes, and get on with your life knowing that you've done the best you're able, being human and all.


Craig D said...

Sounds like steps 4 & 5 of the classic 12 step program!

The Lord's Prayer has that part that goes, "forgive us as we forgive our tresspassers." That puts the onus on US to be forgiving so that we might be forgiven.

All of which is to say fo as terrible as you're now feeling, it sounds like you're onto something here.

Oh, and what the wizard said. Best wishes from a fellow human.

TutleyMutley said...

HUGS sometimes being selfish is a survival thing - learned when times were hard. It's very hard to undo that learning when those survival skills are no longer needed.

Dirk_Star said...


Every flower blooms in it's own time.

You just opened up a lot...

Well done.