Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The Letter

For the last 10 years I have been searching for the man that was my step-father growing up. He came into my life when I was about 3 and left my life when I was about 14. I have googled him and white paged him. I even searched for him on myspace and gaming sites etc. So since I have not been able to find him to tell him what I want to in person, I have decided to write him a letter. I have always wanted to tell him that he was so wrong about me growing up.

Dear Robert,

Please allow me to reintroduce myself to you. I was your step daughter. You came into my life about the age of three and my mother told me you were my new daddy. I accepted you in my life without a whimper. I have a few fuzzy memories of you in my very young years. Where my memories of you start to come into sharp focus is when we moved to Bend, Oregon. I was approx 4 years old. My earliest memories include you being drunk, threatening my real father, you punching walls and yelling at me and my mother.

Through the years I yearned for your attention, acceptance, and love. I would have done almost anything for you. I was constantly trying to please you. I made you little art projects in school, I gave you childlike affection of hugs and kisses, I tried so hard to be a good girl. I kept thinking if I could just be a little better you wouldn't be so mean and angry.

By the time I was 9 or 10, I realized that you were sick and purely evil. You have a black heart. I began to realize that nothing I could do would make you happy or change. You had so much anger inside of you, fueled by your alcohol, and taken out at my mother and I. No child should ever, EVER have to grow up with the terror, and pain that I did. I hated you for years, until I realized that you weren't worth hating. I no longer hate you.

Growing up you told me again and again that I would never amount to anything, I was worthless and no stated I was stupid and dumb. Well, I never believed you. I am not worthless or dumb. I am a successful, bright, smart, and happy woman. I hold my head high and am confident and assured in both my career and relationships. I am a survival story of your spewing ugliness.

There are a few things that you accused me of as a child that I want to get off my chest.

1. I never touched your damn fish, I hated your fish tanks they were dirty and nasty and stank. I never touched them. You would always accuse me of touching them and I never did, I got tired of getting in trouble for it, so one time when you accused me I said yes. I thought that if maybe I agreed I would be in less trouble. NO, of course then, I was in trouble every time. I NEVER TOUCHED IT EVER!!!!

2. Curling iron starting a fire. You are a liar!!! I actually have asked several people who are electricians etc. if a curling iron being left on for hours can start a fire like the one you said I started was a factual event. It is not. I was told that curling irons do not get hot enough or use enough electricity to created the kind explosion you said happened. You started the fire, I realize you were trying to teach me a lesson, but honesty is better than lies.

3. Grounding. I spent more of my childhood grounded than just being a kid playing. Between you and my mother life was hell. I was ALWAYS in trouble. I was a good kid. I didn't talk back (too often), I did what I was told and I had more chores than most normal kids ever would have in a lifetime. You found things to ground me for. I would get grounded for a month and just as I was coming to the end of the month (one or two measly f*ing days left) you or my mother would find something else to ground me for another month. I remember between the ages of 12 and 14 I was grounded for 7 months straight!!! I missed out on so many activities that children should have to opportunity to enjoy.

There are so many other points I could make, but its not necessary. I want you to know that I feel you belong in jail, you beat the living shit out of my mother on an almost daily basis. You made her the victim of domestic abuse. She began to show symptoms of a severely abused woman, making excuses for you, taking you back, feeling like she deserved it. I can't tell you how many times I begged and pleaded with her to leave you and she always said she couldn't. We did leave you twice, and she kept going back.

I can't express to you how filled with joy I was when you told my mother you were going to divorce her. I was 14 and filled with such hatred of you for the damage you caused to her and I. I begged her to sign the divorce papers and she refused. I was happy when you forged her signature and the damn divorce was finalized.

The last day I ever saw you, you came to the house and I was on the front porch, you asked me not to be angry at you. You blamed my mother for how you were when I was growing up. I just shook my head, I couldn't believe you were asking for a pardon from me. As you turned to walk away, I stepped off the porch. As you were getting ready to get into the car waiting for you I saw the other woman's little boy. I remember feeling deep sorrow and pity for him. He was so young and so cute. Over the years I have actually thought about that child and hoped...hoped that he did not have to endure any of what I did.

Last time I heard anything about you, you had moved to Ohio with you family. I heard your father passed away. I am sorry for your loss. I can honestly say I hope life is treating you well. I still would like to look you in the eyes one of these days, but I realize that is highly unlikely. So this stands as me, being able to tell you how very wrong you were about me. I am someone to be proud of. I hold my head high!

Your EX- step daughter


Jay said...

WOW! I bet that was difficult to write. I don't think he's worth finding though.

bardouble29 said...

It was difficult, but it also felt very good to get it out of my system....

Dorky Dad said...

Thanks for sharing that. And I'm glad you got it out.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

YOU GO GIRL! I hope you are proud, you should be.

bardouble29 said...

dorky dad - Thanks, I do feel better...

whimsical - I do feel proud and liberated...

The Wizened Wizard said...

There are times when I wish God was really like humans have described "him": having our own human traits (loving at times, angry and vengeful at other times). If "he" were, he'd have a large cattle-prod and would be poking people like your step-father whenever they began to inflict pain and misery on those weaker than themselves.

I was both sorry to read your story (because of the suffering you, your mother and eventually that other little boy endured) and glad to know you better.

'Just as well that you never have found the bastard. In your life, he is dead and gone.

Bless you,BD29.

RockDog said...

I'm rather speechless. It must feel good to vent openly about such a situation. I don't think he's worth wasting the time on to find. It's amazing that through all of that you remained true to yourself and did not let him overcome you. You seem to have turned out to be a very decent person.

Halo7528 said...

Even though I know about most of your childhood, it was still a very deep letter for me to read. Sweets, you have come so far from that litle girl. You have accomplished things because YOU wanted to and you knew you could! YOU are the reason for all that you have in your life my dear and NOONE else could take that credit. You know how very proud of you. I am, and I am even more proud that you are bidding these demons farewell!

Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you for writing this. I know that being this honest is difficult but I also find it very liberating. Even if you still want to find him, I think it's clear that not only have you learned to let go of the anger, but also learned to let go of the shame. Magnifico.

bardouble29 said...

TO Everyone,

Thank you for all of your support and kindness. I appreciate your taking the time to read this. I really have had this letter on my mind for a while.


Craig D said...