I have some very mixed emotions tonight...
At the age of 18 I became an instant mommy when the man I started dating and married had two beautiful children. I spent 11 years of my life, raising them and teaching them and enjoying watching them grow and become beautiful young people.
When I decided to get a divorce the most difficult part of that decision was about being able to leave the kids. I actually stayed in the marriage much longer than I probably would have, had it not been for them.
When the divorce was in its beginning stages, of course there was the usual bitterness and nastiness, but the part that tore my heart out was losing contact with the kids. My ex decided that I shouldn't be apart of their lives any longer and I unfortunately lost contact with them.
It has been several years since the divorce and my ex and I are trying to be friend again and talking about bringing the kids back into my life.
But what breaks my heart is several months ago, my ex had to break the news to me that our little girl was pregnant. We both cried and both felt like failures. I think about her all the time and I remember all the talks we had about waiting and protection. In March she turns 17, she is so young. I have yet to see her since I found out she was pregnant, but she has a myspace site. I go there occasionally to see her new pictures and to just feel like I am close to her again.
Tonight my tour of her site broke my heart. I have known for months that she was pregnant, but on her page tonight all her friends were congratulating her on having a girl. It became real, it became tangible. My baby is having a baby, and there is not a damn thing I can do.
Its funny, I always pictured in my mind the scene that would play after she was married and came over to announce her and her hubbies future addition.
I remember one day, (I forget the parameters of why we were having the conversation in the first place) she and I were talking about weddings and flower girls, etc. I used this as an opportunity to talk to her about waiting till she was married to have a baby. She got very quiet and looked troubled. I asked her what she was thinking about. Her answer made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. She asked who was supposed to be her flower girl if she waited till she was married to have a baby. She thought ladies had babies to have flower girls for their weddings. She was her mommies flower girl (remember I was the step-mom) and all her little friends and some relatives were flower girls for their mommies weddings.
I have often wondered....what if? But I can't change the past or undo whats done. All I can to is love and support her and her dad. Be there if they need me. (and kill the boyfriend) just joking...