Thursday, January 18, 2007

Just thinking Out Loud

I have some very mixed emotions tonight...

At the age of 18 I became an instant mommy when the man I started dating and married had two beautiful children. I spent 11 years of my life, raising them and teaching them and enjoying watching them grow and become beautiful young people.

When I decided to get a divorce the most difficult part of that decision was about being able to leave the kids. I actually stayed in the marriage much longer than I probably would have, had it not been for them.

When the divorce was in its beginning stages, of course there was the usual bitterness and nastiness, but the part that tore my heart out was losing contact with the kids. My ex decided that I shouldn't be apart of their lives any longer and I unfortunately lost contact with them.

It has been several years since the divorce and my ex and I are trying to be friend again and talking about bringing the kids back into my life.

But what breaks my heart is several months ago, my ex had to break the news to me that our little girl was pregnant. We both cried and both felt like failures. I think about her all the time and I remember all the talks we had about waiting and protection. In March she turns 17, she is so young. I have yet to see her since I found out she was pregnant, but she has a myspace site. I go there occasionally to see her new pictures and to just feel like I am close to her again.

Tonight my tour of her site broke my heart. I have known for months that she was pregnant, but on her page tonight all her friends were congratulating her on having a girl. It became real, it became tangible. My baby is having a baby, and there is not a damn thing I can do.

Its funny, I always pictured in my mind the scene that would play after she was married and came over to announce her and her hubbies future addition.

I remember one day, (I forget the parameters of why we were having the conversation in the first place) she and I were talking about weddings and flower girls, etc. I used this as an opportunity to talk to her about waiting till she was married to have a baby. She got very quiet and looked troubled. I asked her what she was thinking about. Her answer made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. She asked who was supposed to be her flower girl if she waited till she was married to have a baby. She thought ladies had babies to have flower girls for their weddings. She was her mommies flower girl (remember I was the step-mom) and all her little friends and some relatives were flower girls for their mommies weddings.

I have often wondered....what if? But I can't change the past or undo whats done. All I can to is love and support her and her dad. Be there if they need me. (and kill the boyfriend) just joking...


Baron Ectar said...

I have a 16 year old who is dating - and a gun (joking) - you are handling this much better then I am.

I recently am divorced as well - and I know exactly what you are talking about. Hurts like hell.

Love reading you - I find some kind of comfort knowing that I am not a crazy man feeling some of these strange lost sort of feelings that I am. I mean they are not bad - but - unknown and a little uncomfortable.

I admire your honesty and thank you for sharing it.

bardouble29 said...

baron- Thank you for always having a kind word. They say with time it gets easier, and some parts so, but watching kids grow up without you is never easy.

captain corky said...

"All I can to is love and support her and her dad"

It sounds like she's really going to need you. I'm glad your going to support her. The worst thing anyone could do in this situation would be to get angry. I appreciate your honesty too.

bardouble29 said...

Corky - "It sounds like she's really going to need you. I'm glad your going to support her."

I couldn't imagine having a baby when I was 17, so she will need support. She has decided (with mine and her dads help)to finish school.

Jay said...

Well that is an unfortunate situation, but it sounds like she is going to get the support she is going to need. I know so many people who basically tossed their teenage daughter aside when she got pregnant and ebarrassed the family. So, I'm glad you're not doing that.

RockDog said...

I hope she can get the support she needs. I can't imgine being that young with a kid on the way.

My daughter will be 2 in july...I do not look forward to the dating years...I may be calling Baron Ectar to borrow the gun (joking).

Good luck!

Baron Ectar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Baron Ectar said...

BarDouble -
Please do not take this the wrong way - I would love to email you - you seem like someone that would make a awesome email pal.

My email is on my profile.

It seems as if some of your writings touches on some of what I am going through right now.

No worries I am not looking for anything other then just a exchange of emails.

Good Grief - that does sort of make me look like a stalker - lol

Steven Novak said...

I think you pretty much said it yourself...

Love and support.


Em said...

Barb, your post touched me. You shared so openly about something very personal and painful. You sound like such a loving and accepting stepmom...I hope things work out for you to have a relationship with this young woman once again. With the struggles she will face, having you in her life would be such a blessing for her.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

She is very lucky to have you in her corner. Her dad too.

A Slice of Life said...

Life is so full of unexpected surprises. I'm glad she's going to stay in school. It's a hard thing to do.

Are you going to be able to see her any time soon?

The Wizened Wizard said...

It's hard for me to say anything to this. Such a sad and emotional situation and really no "options" other than to keep putting one foot ahead of the other, love, support, hope for the best and just keep doing what you are able to do.

Kids having kids. It's always been so (there were even references to un-wed girls having babies in the early 1800s Quaker minutes I typed last year). Some "make it" and some pay a heavy price for the rest of their lives.

Giving love is probably the best thing you can do. It is what nurtures and saves us. But then, who will love us to sustain us as we support others?

Sorry I'm rambling, but your subject touches me deeply.

Good luck and may you be strong.

Craig D said...

A grand mother at the age of, what, thirty? AAAH OOOOH GAAAAAH!

And to find out via a myspace posting? I repeat, "AAAH OOOOH GAAAAAH!"

No advice offered, just funny car horn noises. Sorry.


Kati said...

Let me assure you, having a baby as a teen isn't the END of life. I had my daughter 9 years ago... I was 18.

It is ENTIRELY possible to have a child and still get an education & a decent (or even good) job. Please don't let it totally bum you out that your step-daughter is now facing this life. With support & love, it's entirely doable. And there is the option of adoption, as well. Even open adoption in which she's a part of the baby's life, just not "mommy" any longer.

May I suggest, having been a teen mom, that what she probably needs most now is somebody who's not threating to shoot the baby's dad, and who simply supports her whatever she decides to do. Not to say make it easier for her to make further poor choices, but let her know that if she needs a shoulder to lean on, or an sounding board for thoughts, ideas & frustrations....

Best of luck to you & the mommy-to-be.

bardouble29 said...

Kati- thank you so much, for your kind thoughts and support...I was teasing about shooting the babys dad. I would never say that out loud to her. That is a silent thought in my own head. I support her 100%.

Kati said...

LOL Oh, I didn't think you were TRULY serious about shooting the baby's dad. For what it's worth, when DH (then, BF) and I went to tell my Dad that I was 18 & pregnant & unmarried (and ungraduated, for that matter), I told DH that he needed to stand BEHIND me when we told Dad, because if Dad decided to shoot DH, he'd have to get his gun out of the gun cabinet first, then I could stall him so DH could make a run for it. Turned out that all Dad did was get VERY quiet and ask when we were going to get married. LOL That's when we had to drop the other bomb: that we weren't going to get married until AFTER DD was born, because I needed Dad's military benefits for the prenatal care. ROFL

He loves his granddaughters (my DD, and my 4 year old niece, also born out of wedlock to my youngest sister) now, of course.