Since I have been away from blogging, a friend of mine died. He was one of my best friends, we had known each other for about 7 years and he knew all there was to know about me and I thought I knew all there was to know about him..(key word here is "THOUGHT".)
He was on his way to work on his motorcycle. He was hit by a car in an intersection that said they didn't see him.
That morning I receieved a call from his then Fiance (we will call her S.) and through her broken heart and tears she told me Mike was gone. Over the next two weeks S. and I talked often sharing funny and touching stories of Mike and his love and his quirky personality.
One evening shortly there after I called S. to see how she was holding up and to get details on when the funeral would be.
We talked for a minute and I could tell there was something bothering her. I asked her what and she said she had something very difficult to tell me. Some of the things she began to tell me in regards to Mike were unbelieveable...unthinkable. I told her there was no way, that it must have been a mistake of some kind...a misunderstanding. My best friend MIKE would NOT have dont these things to S. No way in hell.
After that conversation, I thought about it again and again...my mind denied it.
We held his memorial service and S. and I leaned on each other for support and strength. It was a terribly hard day knowing I would never hang out with my friend again.
A few days later S. told me that it was time for her to start cleaning out and sorting his personal belongings to give to family, charity etc.
A day later she called me, and her heart was broken, crushed and bruised. All the things I had denied could be true about my dear friend had been realized. Going through his things there was proof. It was there in black and white...photos...emails...websites...disks.
This friend that I had known and trusted was a sex addict. Not the funny kind like a guy that loves beautiful women...but the kind that is ugly and scary and twisted.
This was really hard for me to deal with...I had trusted this guy...he knew things about he..he had slept on my couch when we had drunk a bit too much.
Since his death the anger has set in...I no longer miss him...
But this whole thing got me to thinking...what will be found out about us when we pass? I would hope that I have just enough naughtyness in my past that my friends will remember me with smiles on there faces, but more than anything I hope that I will be remember having touched someones life...
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5 comments:
Something similar happpened to me. The more I shared stories with friends and relatives and sorted through his things, the more I realized he was a manipulative, insecure liar with multiple faces he showed the world. I went through the whole range of emotions, but in the end it turned out to be a lesson about perception and human nature. Those people are gone, but we are better for having known them... in a sad and ironic way.
I'm sorry for your loss- both in a friend, and your perception of him.
I think using the word "addict" is proper and important. If he'd been secretly addicted to alcohol, or perscription pain killers would your reaction be different?
I know a sex addiction feels more creepy, esp if it's a "twisted" sort as you mentioned, but the bottom line is in both cases the person is sick and needs professional help. In the case of a sexual illness it's that much harder for a person to get help because of the shame and ridicule they will endure (or think they will endure) from the people closest to them.
I think it's important to remember the good in your friend and the way he treated you. You might have been one of the few bright spots in his life which gave him hope that he might be normal again one day. Most people with addictions end up hating what they do to themselves...kind of like a moth to a flame- drawn into a deathly dance they can not stop.
I'm truly sorry. Be well friend- you are in my thoughts today.
Anne- You are so right. Even in their twisted way these people bring valuable and important things into our lives. I value his friendship. I am angry he hurt his fiance more than anything.
Mayden - I agree with you that it is a sickness. What has made us (his fiance and I) angry is that he had a holier than thou way about him. He was so jealous of any man that was even her friend and would often accuse her of cheating. She adored this man and would never have even thought about cheating.
Since his death S. started to see a therapist that specializes in sex addiction. He has helped her very much and we continue to talk about it.
Thank you for the warm thoughts.
I am so sorry for your loss! Remember, what matters most is the relationship/friendship you shared when your friend was still around.
OhMy...Have spent the past week into the wee hours of the night going through everything from a friend who passed Friday week...it is hard, very hard.
It's hard finding things that he thought he held privately and securely. It's hard balancing the respect for his privacy and the curious want to absorb everything that was part of him.
Going through a knee high, two foot by two foot, mound of paper mementos,opted to respect privacy. His wife found an item or two that upset her considerably and I opened a fire outback in the pit.
There was such a great love he had had for her and now that he has passed, personally I saw no reason to taint it for her.
Unlike your friend, his mementos were just that, mementos.
Had your friend not passed and you and his fiance had uncovered all of his stuff, I imagine it would still be so very difficult... realizing that sometimes with some folks there is much, much more than what meets the eye...
Hugs to you BardD
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