Sunday, December 31, 2006

The Phone Call

My mother called me, a little time to catch up and a little time to complain about everything under the sun. Don't get me wrong I absolutely, unconditionally love my mother, we can talk for about 10 minutes every so often and that's it. We are the opposite in every way that there can be to be opposite.

I love life and try to find as much joy and beauty as I can in it, she finds fault in most everything and if she looks hard enough she will find some kind of evil or sin. (Explanation of the last sentence.... my mother was VERY wild in her younger days and continued to be that was until I was approx. 6 years old. She then became involved in church and christian activities...which helped to to become more grounded and stop her alcoholism....BUT she didn't just stop at becoming a better person, she went beyond that to being a zealot. I don't say this lightly...I mean it in every way. The part that helped her, began to overtake her and change who she was inside as a person. She became very critical, cynical, and judgemental)

INSERTION....I think that ANY belief that makes someone better is fantastic. I in fact have my own deeply rooted beliefs and morals, but where my problem lies is in people that take a belief and make it into something that completely ensnares, changes and dictates every aspect of their life into something/someone other than who they really are. I do not judge my mother for her beliefs, just wish they hadn't changed the lady that used to laugh, dress up, and enjoy life.

When my father passed away, I was devastated. I adored him, I was a daddy's girl, but growing up had so little time with him (again my mother). I was broken hearted when he passed and needed some motherly comfort and called her in tears. She stated, "Well its to bad he is in hell now." Sad to say I was so angry at her I hung up on her, without a word and it took me a week to call her back to tell her that I was deeply I was hurt and offended by what she said... Her response to me, "Well I don't sugar coat the truth...if your not for God you are against God, so he is in hell." I decided then that I would not discuss any level of beliefs with her at all. If she brings it up when we talk, I politely change the subject or if she won't stop I politely let her know the conversation is ending.

I deeply wish I could have a close relationship with her. I have friends that shop, go to lunch/dinner, laugh and talk with their mothers and I really want that, but I know that she is not capable of that kind of relationship. There are many deep, dark hurts, thoughts and secrets within my mother that do not allow her to be open or part of a healthy relationship. I just wanted/needed to let out my frustration with it, as I know that she can never be more than who she has become. I hope that as 2007 rolls in she might be able to find some kind of peace and happiness

8 comments:

RockDog said...

I wish you much happiness in the New Year...maybe some of that happiness can overflow onto your Mom.

Em said...

My wife and I grew up in different, but controlling, religions. We've both found new spiritual pathways as adults, but our families are still there. And we both feel a huge void that just can not be crossed. Some things we can never discuss with them. And it is truly sad.

I feel your pain and wish for you a happy new year.

bardouble29 said...

rockdog - thank you, I keep send ing "happy" vibes her way....

bardouble29 said...

em- Its nice to know that there are others who can sympathize. Thanks!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I can relate. Most of the members of my Mother's family are like this. I am lucky and I have one cousin I can talk to. The rest... I just avoid religion, politics, and anything about my personal life that might spark a debate (which is a lot). Not all of us can be close with our families. I learned a long time ago that I was never going to be close to my sister and my Mom. It's sad but I'm happier that way.

Thanks for stoping by!

Jay said...

Hello!

I'm sorry to hear about this difficult relationship with your mother. I know that must really be tough. You seem to have accepted that it's the best she will be able to do and you know why. But, that doesn't make it any easier.

Maybe someday you two will find a new way to connect that you haven't tried yet. Just don't give up.

And Happy New Year

Craig D said...

Well, that was heart-breaking!

There is a little thing called "compassion" you know.

I'm glad to read you're not a knee-jerk "Christian Hater" as a result of this!

HAPPY 2007!

The Wizened Wizard said...

I received this refrigerator magnet for Christmas...