The Phone Call

My mother called me, a little time to catch up and a little time to complain about everything under the sun. Don't get me wrong I absolutely, unconditionally love my mother, we can talk for about 10 minutes every so often and that's it. We are the opposite in every way that there can be to be opposite.

I love life and try to find as much joy and beauty as I can in it, she finds fault in most everything and if she looks hard enough she will find some kind of evil or sin. (Explanation of the last sentence.... my mother was VERY wild in her younger days and continued to be that was until I was approx. 6 years old. She then became involved in church and christian activities...which helped to to become more grounded and stop her alcoholism....BUT she didn't just stop at becoming a better person, she went beyond that to being a zealot. I don't say this lightly...I mean it in every way. The part that helped her, began to overtake her and change who she was inside as a person. She became very critical, cynical, and judgemental)

INSERTION....I think that ANY belief that makes someone better is fantastic. I in fact have my own deeply rooted beliefs and morals, but where my problem lies is in people that take a belief and make it into something that completely ensnares, changes and dictates every aspect of their life into something/someone other than who they really are. I do not judge my mother for her beliefs, just wish they hadn't changed the lady that used to laugh, dress up, and enjoy life.

When my father passed away, I was devastated. I adored him, I was a daddy's girl, but growing up had so little time with him (again my mother). I was broken hearted when he passed and needed some motherly comfort and called her in tears. She stated, "Well its to bad he is in hell now." Sad to say I was so angry at her I hung up on her, without a word and it took me a week to call her back to tell her that I was deeply I was hurt and offended by what she said... Her response to me, "Well I don't sugar coat the truth...if your not for God you are against God, so he is in hell." I decided then that I would not discuss any level of beliefs with her at all. If she brings it up when we talk, I politely change the subject or if she won't stop I politely let her know the conversation is ending.

I deeply wish I could have a close relationship with her. I have friends that shop, go to lunch/dinner, laugh and talk with their mothers and I really want that, but I know that she is not capable of that kind of relationship. There are many deep, dark hurts, thoughts and secrets within my mother that do not allow her to be open or part of a healthy relationship. I just wanted/needed to let out my frustration with it, as I know that she can never be more than who she has become. I hope that as 2007 rolls in she might be able to find some kind of peace and happiness

End of 2006

Today I have spent time thinking about 2007 and what I want for the year...

Of course I have had the normal thoughts of wanting to get back to exercising, eating right and in general taking better care of myself.

But I have been thinking more about what I really want in my life. I am in my thirties and there are still so many things I want out of my life...and I want to start to do some of them. When I was in my twenties, I always thought...there is time in the future. Now I am realizing that now is the time.

I have always been a person to be on the go. go. go. This year I want to slow down, take time to call friends and catch up with them. Write a letter or two to my mom (she would love that). Finish some of the artsy projects I have started. Learn how to crochet. Continue writing in my blog and meeting the new friend from there.

I also want to be ok, with spending some of my hard earned money on myself. I have always taken care of others, weither it was children, family, homes, and hubbys. I want to do things for me now.

My other big goal is one that has become a thorn in my side. I REALLY want to finish my education. I am so close to having my degree in business and life keeps getting in the way of me finishing. This year I am going to make life get out of the way so I can finish and be proud of finishing.

I am ready for 2007.

Vino

I am getting ready to eat dinner and I want a glass of wine...but alas I have none. I really enjoy a cold frosty glass of White Zin with a good dinner. I prefer Behringer, but will drink most any brand.

I have tried to drink reds, as I know they compliment meats, fish and poultry. But reds are an acquired taste that I can't quite seem to acquire. To me they are bitter and very heady tasting, whereas a blush wine is usually light and fruity.

When I was much younger I worked as a cocktail waitress at a high level steak house and I had to try all of the various wines, so I could describe them and sell bottles to the tables!!! Yuck, I was 21 and had no taste for wine at the time and I had a miserable headache from trying all of them.

First Day Back

I love getting extra days off work to relax, have fun with family and friends.

But why is it, that the first day back after having 4 days off is a day of pure unadulterated hell. Why? Why? Why??

I walk in and boss man, is shooting at both hips, my electronic leash starts ringing uncontrollably and to top it off, it is the day that all payroll stuff must be done for the afternoon call in.

I wanted to throw up my hands and run screaming from the building, but I did not.

I sat down and completed boss man's numerous requests, accuented with calls from my designers and clients, with sprinkles of the accounting girls asking necessary question for their afternoon deadline. I even managed to squeeze a few minutes to stuff food down my throat.

Once I managed to squelch my bosses anxiety, he went back to his normal happy self. He made me laugh out loud when he saw my desk piled with files and phone stuffed to my ear and me typing one handed as I was ruffling through the file for customer info, and he whispered "hey don't stress out, it'll all work out." I love it! His anxiets were soothed and I then had to catch up on my tasks and I was told not to stress....

But I love what I do and would do it again....

HAHHAHAHA

I love people that want to give a gift just cause...it is so appreciated, but as you are unwrapping the gift they are looking at you with expectancy...they want to see the delight glowing in your eyes...as you unwrap the last of it, you see that it is some sort of mebobber, (you really have no clue what it is) and the giver starts saying "don't you just love it!!! " As I smile and say a huge thanks, ( I never want to hurt feelings of someone trying to be nice). I think....great one more thing to collect dust...This Christmas I did receive some very nice and wonderfully thoughtful gifts...thanks to all my dear friends for thoughts, cards and gifts....y'all rock.

Christmas

Well today is Christmas Eve. Normally I love Christmas and all the festivities and decorating...etc, etc. This year not really in the mood, but here I am smiling and saying "Merry Christmas". By all means I am not a scrooge, but this year there is just nothing....nothing...nothing to make me want to celebrate...I have a bottle of wine and I am looking forward to my great dinner and the wine. (I sound strange to myself...NO I am not an alcoholic!!! Just really enjoy a good glass of wine...).

Geez reading back over my post I sound like a winey lil bitch....lol. I have some pretty presents and great food and some friends I am hanging out with. Today should be fun, I guess I am just kinda having one of those "poor me" moments....ok the moment has passed.

I hope that to those of you who take the time to read my silly blog of rants/thoughts and silliness have a great Christmas and I can't wait to read all about it in your blogs....

ohhhhhhhh

moan and groan. I feel like an elephant stepped on my head and is continuing to tap dance. I have all the aches and pains...oh no I am coming down with some crap. GRRRRR! I hate being sick, I am not a good patient and I hate missing work. But I stayed home today, when I woke up my head hurt so bad, I couldn't open my eyes all the way. I slept and worked from home, and slept some more, ate soup for lunch and slept some more and guess what after I eat dinner I am gonna sleep some more...so later y'all.

F'ing tired

OMG, have you ever been so tired your hair hurts? Thats how I feel right now...I couldn't go to sleep last night and I had to get up at the butt crack of dawn for work. I REALLY, REALLY did not want to go to work today, but I did. And work was hell today. I am supposed to have this simple little title which includes taking care of A), B), and C) responsibilities, BUT because I love to work hard and stuff, I keep getting asked to do more and more and more and...you get the point. I normally don't mind, cause it makes the day go fast, but when you are this tired, it sucks...really sucks.

Drunk Call

LOL, a friend of mine called me very drunk and left me a long voicemail...cracked me up...its funny how things sound when you are sober and they aren't....I listened to the voicemail like 3 times trying to get everything they were saying....I was laughing so hard. But its all good, I told them I would just get them back the next time I was drunk...I have never made a middle of the night drunk call, but I guess I might at least once, so I can say "I've done that" -- any ways...

Its been awhile since I have really drunk much, a few drinks and a night out with my girls sounds like what the dr. ordered....I wish I lived near my halo, so we could go out...brings back memories of Denny's at 2 in the morning....weirdos trying to "save our souls". God those were the days....

coffee and p.j.'s

I love Saturday/Sunday mornings when you get to sleep in, drink lots of nummy coffee and stay in pajamas until you want...its cold outside, but I am warm from the coffee and p.j.'s. These are days when you do absolutly nothing or things you have wanted to do but during the week never find time to do them....I love to ge to be lazy every once in a while...life seems to be go...go...go and on weekends I get to stop...my version of smelling the roses....

Music Genre

I am the first to say " I love most all types of music". And I say that with all trueness, everything from blues/soul, to country, to pop, alternative, rock, rap ( in small portions) and all the in between stuff.

I will listen to most things that people suggest and see if I like it or not. There are songs/artist I dislike in all genres of music. But it absolutely annoys the crap out of me when a person refuses to even listen to a song because it is a "type" of music they don't like...I know a few people who only like "punk" or "rock" and refuse to listen to anything out of that box. To me that is being narrow minded. Listen to it once and if you don't like it, never listen again. But you just might like it. I have listened to a song that I thought I might not like and then liked it after I listened to it.

I love when people ask me my favorite song, I laugh and say there are way to many to name. I have tons of favorite songs. To me music creates a mood, so it can be loud and crass, if I am pissed or working/cleaning. Soft and smooth if I am sitting around etc. Then there is music with a beat to dance to....or just great music to drive.

GRRRRR

Debt collectors...yes they have a job to do, but do they have to be SO rude and obnoxious. I am dealing with a lady, on the 2nd on my house. The company we have the loan from is charging an extra amount for insurance. I have been back and forth with them about this. Our first has an impound account that automatically pulls and pays the insurance. I have had the same insurance company the entire time I have owned the house.

Out of the clear blue they said they had no proof of insurance, so I scrambled to get a copy of the insurance and get it to them and do what I am supposed to do. Then I find out it can take up to 2 months for them to verify and 2 more for them to reimburse for the extra charges....CRAZY, I don't have extra money growing off of trees! They want me to drop what I am doing to get them the necessary info, but they can take 4 months to get back to me...

Now after talking to them today, she says they seem to have lost it and I have to go through the whole proceedure again and they are trying to collect almost $1000.00 extra for this insurance. I am furious! I don't have the extra money and can't believe they lost the paperwork. I told her that was their problem and that I would not pay the amount. its not my fault they lost my paperwork, after I bent over backwards to have the necessary paperwork to them 2 days after I found out they needed it.

Just Cause

I am excited cause in January they are starting another season of Americal Idol. I love watching American Idol. The first few days are funny because they show all the people that suck and the people that are just stupid. Then as they start narrowing it down, I love to predict who is going next. Last season me and my girl Echo had so much fun making guess. Last season was one of the best ones so far and I hope this next season is even better. Remember the twins off the last season? They drove me nuts and then they were arrested for outstanding warrants! That was SO funny.

So my girl Echo taught herself to crochet and I think that I am going to have to go get myself one of those "How To" book for dummies. I have always wanted to learn and I guess its about time. I taught myself to cross-stitch, so the other can't be that hard. I love learning new things. We'll see how that goes...lol

BRRRRR!!!

OMG...It is so cold. I hate being cold. It seems that once I am cold it takes for ever to get warm again...then my toes get cold and they are like little ice cubes. I have the heater on and I am wearing a big sweater, wrapped in a blanket, while typing. A cup of hot chocolate or tea sounds really good right now, but I don't want to leave my nice warm spot to go make me one.

I want to go to a pretty tropical beach (like Tahiti) and put on a cute lil suit and soak up some warm sunshine. Yes, that would make me really happy.

I have a few friends that really crack me up. It is fun cause I can be a total dork and they are dorks right back and we have fun laughing at ourselves.

Did I mention...I am cold! Ohhhh, a fireplace would be nice with a fuzzy rug and a blanket, I could curl up and read a book...Why am I torturing myself?

Bored and bloggin to blog

I want to blog, but have nothing in particular to blog about. I am sitting here drink a cold beer (its yummy by the way) and am bored out of my brain. I wish one of my friends were online, but it seems that I am the only loser with nothing to do on a Sunday night...

I cleaned house all day today and there is a ton more to do, but I don't feel like doing anymore!

I had left overs for dinner and they were good, saved me from having to cook something and making more dishes for me to wash. I hate washing dishes.

What I really feel like doing is getting dressed up and going out... I haven't been dancing in forever and I feel like shakin' what God gave me. But thats not gonna happen for awhile...

Wow, I am rambling about absolutely nothing in particular. Maybe I am just tired, my brain really can't think of much of importance.

Home Sick

I am so homesick. I miss hanging out with all my friends...especially at this holiday time. People here are very nice, but I haven't really had any opportunitys to really meet people and get to know them. Thank God for the phone and myspace or else I would feel like I lived on a deserted island. Oh well, no more complaining for now.

Special People

I am not talking about special people as in "special", but someone who comes into your life and makes an impact. I have the pleasure of having several such friends. These are individuals who have made a difference in my life and are there for me no matter what, they withhold judgement and accept me as is. I know I am far from perfect but when a friend just accepts you, it makes you want to be a better person, just for not wanting to disappoint the people who mean the most to you (nice run on sentence...but since its my blog...oh well).

On such person has recently come back into my life. I had a long conversation with them today and it brought back many memories of years ago when we used to hang out and talk. I have always wanted to take this person in my arms and shield them from all of the horrible things in life. I have always felt very protective of this person (perhaps over-protective). In the years since our young days this person had gone through some really horrible and really wonderful experiences that have shaped them into the person they are today. The person they are today is a kind, thoughtful, fun, loving individual. This person has so much to share and so much depth. I remember this as being one of the aspects that drew me to them so many years ago. There are many miles that seperate us in distance, but when we talk and laugh together the miles melt away. I truly wish (hope) that one day I will get the opportunity to be able to see them once again.

Stormy Night

Tonight it is pitch black outside and it is storming like crazy. The storm is making me want to curl up with someone and just listen to it howl and boom. It makes me remember a few storms from when I was a kid. I have always been fasinated by storms.

I remember on from when we lived on Wabash, in medford, Oregon. We had a large wooden deck out back and there was a thunder and lightening storm. (The storm was far away). My mom and I sat out there and watched the lightening and counted seconds in between the booms. Its one of the really nice memories I have of my mom.

Another storm I remember was a few years later. I was sound asleep and heard a sound like a bomb had gone off in the house. I was terrified!! I laid there for a few minutes trying to get oriented to the room and what the noise was. This storm was right over top of the area I lived in (still in Medford, Oregon). When the lightening flashed it was filling up the entire sky, and the lightening sounded like bombs going off in our backyard. I was SO scared, but by then I was to big to go into my parents room and my mom never came in to check on me, so I laid there are listened to it.

I am SO excited

When I first heard about the whole My Space thing, I vowed I would never have an account. Then my dear friends J and I talked me into the whole my space thing and I have an account now. I have decided I love my space .... because I have been able to get into contact with friends that I would probably not have found otherwise. Today a friend of mine found me, we were very good friends back when I was in high school. We would go to the movies and talk and we hung out together alot. I have always wondered what had happened to him. The last memory I had was we went to a movie and after we were talking in the RR Assem of God parking lot, unfortunately we didn't end our evening on a good note and I never heard from him again. I have thought about him many, many times for him over the years and have searched for him to no avail. Apparently he was searching for me also and found me on my space. YEA!!!! I got to talk to him today and it was like we picked up where we left off. It was so great to hear from him.

Wasted Life

Tonight my heart is a little heavy. The other day I got a call from my friend, who told me to get on the computer and look at the Fresno Bee. When I got there I could not believe what I was reading. The young man who shot two officers and then took his own life had been my supervisor just a week before. He was only 25 years old. No one knew he was depressed and wanted to committ suicide. To me the saddest part is that he used officers to assist in his suicide. He actually planned it. The week before his death the police have record of him calling and saying his roommate was suicidal. When the police showed up the house was locked and lights off, they assumed it was a prank call. The following week the same call came in and when the police showed up he threw down his keys to them off the balcony and told them to come in. When they entered he opened fired at the officers, wounding two of them. After a seven hour stand off with the police, and several attempts at communicating with the police, they tear gassed him and discovered him dead in the bathroom. He had taken his own life. He really didn't realize how many people loved him and how missed he will be. I find this situation so tragic. He was so young and could have gone so far in his life. RIP James Lunsford.

As Promised

As promised I will continue the saga of my life.

All of the following events happened while I lived in Orgeon on 4th st. We lived there for 1/2 of kindergarten through 1/2 of second grade.

During this time the next door neighbor girl asked my to go to church with them. I began going to Sunday school on a very regular basis. At one point there was a time I went and there was a large deminar of some type and at the end they asked for those who wanted to give their hearts to the Lord. Sitting there I felt a conviction and tug of my heart. I raised my hand and diligently asked Jesus to live in my heart. Shorty after I started begging my mom to go to church with me and she did, I forget exactly when she was saved, but she told me it was due to my persistence.

There are also memories of horrible ear aches and my step dad telling my mother to shut me up. Yet, he refused to take me to the doctor to get help.

I also remember one evening I asked my mom when school was going to be getting out so I could go visit my daddy in Ca. My stepdad was enraged that I was missing my dad and he came into the room and grabbed me and threw me in the truck and drove me to the bus station. He stated that if I missed my dad so much, he would put me on a bus and ship me to him and I could stay there for ever. At this point I was terrified! I was in pj's and it was dark and I had never been on a bus and he was threatening to send me alone to my dad. Being the smart lil girl I am, I suddenly developed a strong desire to "not want to see my dad". Looking back I actually apologized to him for asking for my father. Even back then I had a well preserved notion of self preservation. After sitting there for half an hour begging him not to put me on a bus, we went back home and I was grounded and told never to ask for my dad again. The reason I didn't just get on a bus, was I was scared for my mother. My father had started beating my mother and I was scared that if I wasn't there he might kill her.

Another memory I have is I was able to go see my dad for the summer and when I came back, I noticed the window in my room was broken. I asked my mom about it and was told that some one had broken in the house. I was terrified to go to sleep in my room and I remember laying awake at night, listening to every little sound and my imagination going wild with all the horrible things that were going to happen to me and my family.

Enough memories for now.

Funny thing called life

Life is funny in the directions that it leads you. I am happy to be back to my blogging again. I also promised my friend I that I would continue to write about my life. I am looking forward to continuing on that journey. On a side note I am very frustrated...I can not get ahold of my mother to let her know that I am no longer in the state of Ca. She has a freakin cell phone and i have left many messages and still no repsonse. I hate tracking her down at the womens shelter, but if I can't get ahold of her in a few days, I will send a letter to her and if that doesn't work, then I will call the shelter. AUGH!!!

So tomorrow a blog about my childhood....gotta do some thinking about where I left off last time.

Just satisfied

Hey it just me...saying that my heart is content where I am at in my life right now. I am in a great position, and am looking forward to what is thrown at me. I have been through hell and back in my life several times over and now I am being very selfish with me. And I like that feeling, I have always put myself last in relationships and with my mom and others around me and now I am saying screw that, Barb is gonna do whatever the hell Barb wants to do!!!!!

Well now that I have gotten that off my chest, I have to brag that my gas right now is $2.18, good bye Cali gas prices. I love it and the temp has been a mild and beautiful 75 degrees. All I can say is wow I should have left Ca. long before.

Blogging generalities

Ok, so tonight I am supposed to blog about .... Josh in a closet and boobies and other things that we laughed about but I don't remember. I had dinner with my friend tonight and really enjoyed myself. I got a lot of things off my chest and feel much better for it. (Thanks for listening and being a great friend). Wow it changes perspective from when you silently think about things in your mind and then say them out loud to someone. It think its official, I am truly crazy and psychotic, now that I have heard my own thoughts being spiken out loud.... I need to call my K before she thinks that I have truely gone off the deep end.

Life is Short

Its funny how you realize life is so very short. Someone I care very much about moved today. I feel heartbroken. They are going over 2000 miles away. It seems that all the people in my life that I have cared very deeply about always go away. My K is 2 states away and in all best intentions we talk about visiting but in over 10 years we have seen each other once in Ore. We talk all the time and are closer than ever but I miss her like crazy and now that B has left my life also I feel broken. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face. We talked about visits, but those are just empty words to fill a void that hurts when you leave someone you love. Yesterday when I loaded them up, I vowed to myself that is was not going to hurt, but the ache hurts and I can't stop the tears.

Secrets

Right now I have secrets, that I can't share with anyone. They are secrets that make me smile, but I can't talk about them right now, so I will share them silently with my blog.

Life

Its funny my blog title is " My crazy Life" and boy does life throw curve balls at you. Growing and changing causes you to really look at yourself. I tell myself that the way I was raised doesnt really affect me. But in small subtle ways it does, some of the ways make me a stronger person and some of the ways are not so great. Who I am is not something to be ashamed of, and I used to have a passion for people to REALLY understand me, but not so much anymore. People often look at me like I am crazy for repeating stories of my past and I have even had people tell me - ya right- as I have gotten older I begin to understand that as long as I know who I am then what the hell does it matter whats others think of me. There are always going to be people who dont like me and there are plenty who love me. The ones who love me are the ones who count.

First Time for Everything

Let me start of by saying that I did something yesterday that I was terrified to do and realized that I had so missed out on the experience. It was a phenomenal experience.

Yesterday for the first time in my life I donned a helmet and got on the back of a motorcycle. My good friend had been asking me to at least try it. I finally agreed, I met up with him and he went over the basics with me, helped me put on the helmet and I climbed behind him. He was just going to go a short distance and stop to make sure I was ok with it. I was terrified, but I was trying not to let it show, but he knew I was because he said he could feel my legs trembling. But as we got moving I could feel the wind and all I can say is WOW. I loved it. We stopped a short distance down and he asked if I wanted to try a longer ride, get out of Fresno for a bit, I said sure. Hopped back on and we hit 41, the freeway was a little terrifying to me, we were going SO fast and all I could think about was how very dead I would be if we crashed. But I was watching him navigate and drive and he was very cautious, I started to relax a little and within a few minutes I wasn't hanging on so tight and I was really enjoying myself. We went up towards the Bass Lake area, it was a gorgeous day and having the wind... wow, wow, wow. When we turned around and headed back I was actually sorta bummed. When we got back I thanked him for making me try something I had always been terrified to try. He could understand my fear because of all the bad rap that bikes have, but he said the guys like him that ride for the enjoyment of the bike are very careful. Its the other guys that are stupid that crash and kill themselves.

well, well, well

Since a dear friend just told me I am fried (fired) from blogging because I have been so lax about posting I guess I had better mend my ways and make a post.

I have some wonderful things happening in my life right now. I am starting a new job on Monday. I am SO excited. I will really miss some people I have become close friends with but, the opportunity that has presented itself is great.

This past week I have been laying out in the sun a lil and I am getting a bit of a tan, and a lil sunshine always makes you feel better when things are rough.

I have also reconnected with some very dear friends and that is always great ot catch back up on old times. In general things are ok...

Been a few days...

This evening I feel reflective....looking back I have come so far and the people I have choosen to keep close are very close to me.

Between the ages of twenty and thirty I really have grown into being comfortable in my skin...I have learned to feel sexy even with a few extra pounds, I have learned that sex appeal does not always include bare skin...allure goes along ways. I have also learned that I can be right and be silent...when you are younger, you must always have the last word to be right. I have learned to be content with what I have and the dear friends I have...when you are younger clothes and prestige are so important.

There are still days I look in the mirror and growl at the image reflecting back at me, but for the most part I love being who I am. I know that there is much I can give someone who takes the time to get to know me, and the people who don't know that is their own loss.

I have made some friend and reestablished some friendships and realize that it is not the quantity but the quality of friends that make a person whole.

Enough bambling and rambling.....

NO more complaining

I feel like a lout, here I am moaning and groaning over a hurt back and not being able to shave my legs....In my not really being able to clean or unpack my apartment I have taken the time to browse through other blogs. I have come across ones that have rendered me to heartache and tears. There are several people that are chroniclers of their terminally ill life. I read of a young man who justs wants to live a normal life, but is counting the days till his last breathe. I admired his inner courage and strength to continue each day as a memorial to life. Reading them made my pain feel mighty insignificant.
I was talking the other day with one of my co-workers and mentioned my father's fight with cancer. I expressed to this person of my fear of not being as strong as my father was if faced with that kind of illness and once again I am drawn inward to how weak I really am. I moan and grown about paper cuts, I abhor pain. I am a whimp. Yet I also know about myself that who the going gets tough I get tougher. I think back on all I have been though in my life and I tell myself that I have to believe that I would be able to bear any burden put upon me. Having lived through many horrendous things in my life, I feel their pain. I wanted to post a comment to some of these people, but was afraid to do so. I don't want them to feel I pity them, I understand myself about pity. I was moved by their courage, selflessness and desire to find life in even the smallest details.
I am hurting so bad, but I am not going to give into a personal pity party. I am going to go lay down for awhile and read. Maybe even reflect on some of the bloggers that I feel like I have met, yet do not even know their names. (I am becoming awfully adicted to blogging...it is a beautiful thing)

Can't shave my legs

AWWWWWW.

Even the simpliest thing of shaving my legs is impossible with my back hurt. I decided to take a shower a little while ago and wanted to shave my legs and I couldn't bend over to do so...but not to be defeated I thought...no big, I will sit on the counter and shave in the sink. I got out of the shower and grabbed my little step stool and halfway climbed on the sink. It hurt a little but I was gonna bear through it. I managed to get my shaving cream on half my right leg and with in two swipes of my razor my back was screaming. I managed to somehow get off the sink and remove the shaving cream with a wash clothe and now I am looking at a half shaved leg and wanting to scream, cry and jump up and down like a two year old....sigh

Moan, Groan and Complain

OUCH....Yesterday we had another family job. (I work for my relative, he does epoxy aggregate flooring.) My job, (I am the smallest person on the crew) is to carry and lift the 50 pound bags of rock and get them into the machine, properly mixed and ready to be put down. Most of the time that is no problem, but yesterday was crazy we realized that the guy we get the rock from gave us two different sizes of one type of rock. Therefore there was more work for me to do. In the process of all this I severely tweaked my back. But I kept pushing myself, and ended up barely being able to move. That makes me incredibly angry!!!!!!!! I hate being hurt, I hate being dependent on someone for help!!!! I may be small but I have always had to fend for myself and now that I can barely get on and off the bed is making me crazy. Right now just sitting at the computer is killing me....But I refuse to continue to lay in bed.

And more whining coming.... I hate it....I hate being alone all summer, I hate rushing home and not having someone to come home to. I hate being alone and lonely all summer. being the person I am I tell myself to just deal with it. I push my feelings aside and carry on.

Oh well enough complaining and if I don't get up from this chair and lay back down someone may have to carry me back to my bed...my back hurts SO bad....

Friday Night

Wow, I have been without a computer for a week and I felt like someone had removed my right arm. I have come to realize that being able to write out thoughts and feelings in these blogs gives me freedom and the ability to express things that would generally be left unsaid. It has also given me the opportunity to become closer to a few of the people around me. Being close to someone is something that all of us need and crave. It has been awhile since I continued on my story of my life. I will pick back up where I left off with my first broken heart.

I realized in Kindergarten that I REALLY like boys. I was not a "cooty" kind of girl. I also realized that the boys looked at me as "just a friend". I was very much a tomboy and very athletic. I think that being tough was one of my coping methods for my crazy home life. I don't remember too many details about the rest of kindergarten. I know that during the summer when school let out I got to meet a little girl who lived down the street from me. Her name was Jennifer. She was a few grades older than me and she had cool parents, a cool house, cool toys, and cool clothes. I wanted to emanate her in every possible manner. I started spending as much time at her house as I could. As Jennifer got to know me better, she began to take a "special" interest in me. She would lay her hand in sensitive spots or pretend to check a rash that she said I had. I felt guilty, but I was drawn to her. Part of it was being able to be away from my own house, I told myself I could "handle" it. I would just think about other things while she did her thing.
When school started in the fall, I was ready to go back to school. My mom was acting strange, but I didn't understand why. She wouldn't go outside, the curtains in the house were always closed, and she never got out of her house robe. First grade started fairly normal, but it also drew me away from being around Jennifer, which was very good for me. Our friendship just stopped as abruptly as it had started. Which was fine, I met a new girl new door, her family was Christian and they started taking me to church with them. During that year I did normal dumb sort of stuff that kids do, like cutting my friend's little sisters bangs and then lying about it. Yeah, I got in a ton of trouble.

Sigh

Today was a long day for me. I can stand in a crowd of people and feel lonely. I can see someone's smile and know that it is not real. I really do realize there are very few people in my life that I can say truly care about me. Sometimes I wonder why I am here, I do believe that all are here to serve a purpose, but in thirty years I have yet to find where I truly belong. I really am shy, awkward, backwards and upside down. Over the years I have learned to really put on the shining face, but the mask slips and the vulnerable me shows. I am so tired of hurting and tears and disappointment. I resent the fact that I can't be more or do more. I scream into the wind and no one hears me. Sometimes I want to run and run and run...Away from life, problems, myself...Till there is no more.

darkness surrounds
single, salty tear glides down
images swirl around
burdens unbearable
hands of time slow
sobbing uncontrollably
hallow screams echo

Craziness

Let me start by saying I am SO.....grrrahhhhh, rrroooaaaarrrr, @*%#@#%*, but enough about that. More of my life story....


During the time we lived in Bend, Or. is when I started to see some odd things in my step dad, which scared me (I had not even started Kindergarten at this point). Like one night he was drunk and my mom had to call the police on him because he was on his way to go kill my daddy. The next day my mom and I had to take a bus to the police station to go bail him out. Another time was drunk and my mom told me to sit on his chest so he couldn't move, because he was threatening my daddy again. That is when I started developing a real and deep fear of my step dad. A short time later we moved to Medford, Or. I started Kindergarten, here I remember odd things like I was an Oreo Cookie for holloween, and I remember my dress for school pictures. Then midway through the year my parents wanted to move to a new house across town and that meant that I had to change schools. I was so sad, because I loved my school and my teacher. We moved to the new house on 4th St. and I started school. I was in the morning class. There was a young boy named Tom that I "fell in love" with, he gave me a Mickey Mouse ring and said he was gonna marry me. A few weeks later he didn't come in from break and I was immeadiately very worried. I little while later the asst. principal came in and had a quiet conversation with the teacher. After a few minutes the teacher called us over to the rug to talk to us about something. With emotion in her voice she said that some boys from older grades had hurt Tom. My heart was heavy and was so sad. The next day the teacher told us that his mom pulled him out of morning and was putting him in the afternoon class. That was my first broken heart.

Sunday

OK more of my life story....So somewhere between the ages of two and three my mother became pist that I was so close to my grandma and not her, so my mother sent her away. My mother had finally found a job and was working (don't know where) and I was being babysat by this family. I just remeber small odd things...Like I was terrified of the parents bedroom, it had African art and masks and was REALLY dark. When I was being punished I was made to go stand in the corner and stare at their room, I would cry. Another haphazard memory is me eating a sandwhich and my little friend and I were goofing off. I had a glass of milk with my sandwhich, and right as I took a big swallow, the other girl did something which, at the time I must have thought was hilarious, because I laughed and ACCIDENTALLY sprayed milk everywhere, boy did I get in trouble. I had to go back to that dark scary room. During this time my mother found a boyfriend-we will call him George, he was 14 years younger than her and worked as a night guard for a trucking company. I only have one memory of when my mother first statred dating him, she picked me up from the mean babysitters house and we went to his job and eat pizza. I had to sit there and be quiet while they talked and joked. I got in trouble when I told my mom I was tired and wanted to go home.
The next thing I remember is my mom telling me we are leaving California and moving to Oregon. I was devistated, I did not want to leave my daddy. My daddy and I were SO close. My mom told me I could send the ENTIRE summer with him, at the age of four that pacified me. When we, me, my mom and George first arrived in Oregon, I remember we staying for a few days in a hotel while they looked for a house and jobs. The first place we lived in was Bend, Or. I remember we had a small house at the end of a long road. My mom worked as a security gaurd for the Bond (some sort of mall). I have no idea what George did at that time...

Saturday

For years people have been telling me to write a story of my life. I guess now is as good a time as any. I would probably have to go back a few year before I was born to really give an accurate portrayal of my psycho family. Some names may be changed in this so that I am not in any trouble. This is my remembering of MY life...so don't get your panties in a wad if you know other facts that I don't or if I remember something different than someone else.

My mother (Theresa Ruth I.)comes from a family of 4, my father (Brian O.)comes from a very large family. My mother has been married a total of four times, my father (God rest his soul) was married 8 times. My mother was married at a young age and they had a little girl (would have been my sister) she died of SIDS at two months. Then my mother was with husband #2 and they adopted a child, when my mother left that husband she also left that child. Then my mother met my father, she was 31 and he was 51 (I have no idea how many times he had already been married at this point. I just know he had one daughter that was the same age as my mother), nine months later out pops ME- Barbara Louise O. (I have always hated my name, I found out my mom wanted to name me Jennifer Ann. My fathers favorite sister, who passed at an earily age was named Barbara...therefore I am Barbara).

I was born in San Luis Obispo, I went home to Salinas, Ca. Shortly after I was born my father married my mother. I obvously don't remember any of this, I just know that from what both my father and my mother told me that my father owned several business and my mother smaoked, drank and ran around. I was about 1 1/2 when my parents divorced. I had my great grandmother living with me--she was the absolute light of my life. I adored that woman more than any other person on the face of the earth. My grandma was raising me while my mother was out partying.

Yesterday I decided to start a blog. This is totally new to me. Somewhat of a crazy idea, but it sound like a good way to rail against the world....Or at least be able to express some of the thoughts I have.

Today I was SO very incredibly tired ( so if something doesn't make since, it is sleep deprevation). I had a very rough night last night. I am really struggeling in a few areas of my life and I really am VERY frustrated. Well we shall see.......